Gestalt
by Anne Whynn
Summary: They stand on the edge of the abyss and all he can see is her face, the memories they have shared, and the path they have walked, side by side. Garrus/FemShep
1. My World Died With You

**Gestalt**

They stand on the edge of the yawning abyss, and all he can see is her face, the memories they have shared, and the path they have walked, side by side. Garrus/FemShep

_**Disclaimer**_

Mass Effect_ and all of its characters are the intellectual property of Bioware and Electronic Arts, and are used in a non-profit manner for the purpose of entertainment. I own no rights to their creations._

_This is a work of fiction. All unique characters, organizations and factions are either from the imagination of the author or, if real, are represented in a fictitious manner without the intent to represent actual conduct. Any similarities to any existing persons, alive or dead, are purely coincidental and not the intention of the author._

**Warning**: Infrequent coarse language.

**Chapter last edited:** 17/11/11

**Gestalt**

_A Mass Effect 2 Fanfiction_

Rated M for violence, frequent coarse language and adult themes. Each chapter will have a warning header to indicate what is to follow. Please read at your discretion.

**Elrika Shepard**

**{Service profile}**

Earthborn

War hero

Renegon

**~}{~**

**Chapter 1**:

_My World Died With You_

**~}{~**

"L'amour est aveugle; l'amité ferme les yeux."

_Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes_

~French proverbial saying

**~}{~**

**Collector Base**

He dropped from the wreckage of the _Normandy_, feeling the weight of an entire world on his shoulders and seeing the yawning mouth of a beast directly before him. His eyes strayed to the side as his feet picked their way down the slope of rubble and debris.

She was also making her way down from the _Normandy_, flanked by Legion and Thane. Her utterly confident steps and impressive arsenal of weapons bespoke of the ruthless warrior that she was, uncompromising and undefeatable.

No… that wasn't exactly true anymore, was it? The Collectors had killed her once, done what even a being considered a god could not do.

But here she was, charging into the home of her murderers, prepared to shove her rifle down their throats in retaliation. Anyone might have hesitated, anyone might have looked at the vessel that epitomized the reason she had suffered such a hideous death, but she walked forward unerringly, prepared to mete out death as readily as they had delivered it to her.

Perhaps with a little more glee, however.

Her feet came to a halt and he did the same, watching her lift her Death Mask and prepare to put it on. Just before she slid it over her russet-coloured hair, she glanced over her shoulder and her brilliant, cat-like green eyes met his blue ones.

A single thought jumped between the two of them, conveyed from gaze to gaze, soul to soul.

_Don't die_.

A command from her. A plea from him.

He was only one she would trust in a position of leader when she wasn't there. But that meant that he wasn't at her side. That he couldn't watch her back. That she couldn't watch his. That knowledge hurt more than any wound they had ever taken. Terrified them more than any impossible odds they may face.

They were entering hell with the knowledge that they would likely never return… and still they walked forward.

He watched as she put her Death Mask on and sealed the gorgot. Turning to Thane and Legion, she waved for them to move out. He turned to his own team, catching up with Grunt and Jack. Their infiltrator had already gone into the vents and was waiting for orders.

"In position," he said into his commlink. "See you on the other side of those doors." He nodded at his team. "Lets go."

Even as they moved off, he felt his mind wander momentarily, remembering another time when they had parted ways. A time when danger had loomed, but death had not quite been so certain. He had simply had faith that Elrika was untouchable, immortal, unkillable.

That event changed that belief forever.

The death of his whole world and everything he believed in began with Joker's voice.

**~}{~**

**SSV Normandy, two years previously**

+_Brace for evasive manoeuvres_!+

Garrus shot upright from where he had been working on the Mako, facing Ashley across the hold, "_What did he say_?"

Ashley opened her mouth but before she could speak the _Normandy_ was jarred hard to one side. The inertia dampeners and artificial gravity went into spasms just long enough to send the turian sprawling against the Mako. Ashley was thrown off her feet, sliding into the raised driveway that normally discharged the Mako into open air. An explosion rocked engineering and screams rang through the metal door.

Ashley clambered back to her feet. "We're under attack!"

"You think?" roared Garrus, staggering to the elevator. The inertia dampeners weren't coming back online. They must have been damaged. Which meant the ship was hit-

His mind came to a sharp halt as, just as he was about to call the elevator, the doors hissed open and Elrika Shepard stepped out, wearing a standard, N7 issue gear instead of her customized armour. The N7 standard was faster to put on.

"Ashley. Garrus. Suit up. Helmets on. Upstairs is a fucking nightmare. In the elevator. Now!" She turned to head to engineering, but Tali was already running out, supporting a burned, screaming technician. The quarian reached out and grabbed Elrika's shoulder when the Commander would have gone past her and shook her head. Acknowledging and trusting Tali's judgement, Shepard grabbed a man that was half crawling, hoisting him up, and pointing at the elevator.

"Elevator. Everybody in! Get in!" She grabbed Adams and hurled him the rest of the way when she found he was moving too slowly, and they all loaded into the car together, pressed against one another in the suddenly tiny confines.

"Ashley."

Ashley took the man that Shepard was supporting, another one practically thrown over the Gunnery Chief's shoulder. Shepard obviously intended to be busy when they stepped out of the elevator.

Garrus cut off the stench of burning flesh with his helmet, the seals pressurizing and replacing it with the sterile scent of environmental containment. But the screams, moans and sobs penetrated his helmet and bored their way into his soul. He knew these humans. Knew their faces.

More specifically, he knew the faces that had not emerged from engineering.

The car moved with painstaking slowness and Garrus shifted from foot to foot anxiously. It was one thing to be facing impossible odds with a gun in your hand, staring death defiantly in the face as you prepared to fight to the bitter end. It was another thing entirely to be trapped in a tiny metal box as a ship was torn apart around you, deep in the uncompromising expanse of space. The ship rocked around them violently and he was half afraid that they would be trapped inside the elevator, just waiting to die.

A hand touched his wrist and he glanced over. Shepard's head was cocked towards him slightly and he turned his hand over, squeezing her arm, appreciating her silent reassurance. But the confidence that touch gave him faded into nothingness when the doors to the elevator opened and revealed the conflagration that was the main deck. Crew were running every which way, desperate to get to the escape pods, desperate to get away from the flames. There were screams and explosions and Joker's frantic voice over the intercom.

+_Shepard! You have to manually send the distress beacon! Something got fried and I can't send it off_!+

Elrika swore vilely as she practically lunged from the elevator. "That'd be right." She grabbed one man as he staggered and hauling him around to face the other way, "That way, you idiot! _That way_!"

Garrus looked over at the medical bay, seeing that it was empty and hoping that Liara and Chakwas had already been evacuated. His attention was drawn back to Elrika when she began shouting, seeing that Ashley and Tali had likewise not moved. But while he was appraising the situation, they appeared to be waiting for orders.

"What the hell are you waiting for? Go! GO!" Tali hesitated for a moment, before she helped two injured humans off to the pods without a protest. Ashley opened her mouth but Elrika thrust a finger in her face. "That's a goddamn order, Williams!" Something exploded off to one side and Shepard didn't flinch as burning debris bounced off her shoulder. "_Williams_!"

"I'm going!" Ashley turned and helped her injured charges to the escape pods.

"Elrika." Garrus grabbed her arm as she turned to bolt towards the sleep pods, which were all but consumed with fire and small explosions. "Where the hell are you going?"

"I have to make sure the distress beacon goes out," she said as she tugged at her arm. "Get as many people as you can to the pods, Garrus."

"I'll help you!"

"No. Only one person needs to get the beacon."

"Then let me do it!"

"This is not the time to be a fucking hero, Vakarian! Someone has to do it and it's going to be me. Now fucking go!" Shepard physically grabbed him, hauled him around and shoved him towards the pods. "Go!"

Garrus stumbled forward, then again as someone smashed into him, frantically fleeing towards the pods. By the time he turned back, Elrika had vanished beyond the flames that were consuming the sleep pod bay, heading towards the console that housed the manual controls for the distress beacon.

Garrus took one step back, watching her stagger at the console, and then turned to obey his commander. Liara smashed into his chest and would have fallen had he not grabbed her wrist. Her Phoenix armour reflected the lights, bathing her in garish red and brilliant gold, and her wide, wide eyes stared up at Garrus, her helmet hanging from her other hand.

"Shepard?" She looked around like she expected their Commander to just be there.

"She's gone to get the distress beacon. Why are you still here?"

"Joker won't leave!" Liara cried, as if she had suddenly recalled why she was looking for the Commander in the first place. "Nothing I say will convince him to go!" Before he could blink, she darted past him and called over her shoulder, "Go to the pods! I'll get Shepard and we'll get Joker out of here!"

Garrus watched her vanish into the flames after Shepard, heading towards her at the other end of the sleep pod bay. Several people, stragglers, ran past him and Garrus swept the area with a practiced eye. Aside from Elrika and Liara, he was the only one remaining.

With a vile turian curse, he turned and bolted for the pods.

For the next two years, he would loathe himself for that decision.

**~}{~**

**Citadel, ten months later**

"This cannot continue, Vakarian."

Garrus drew his gaze away from the picture hanging on the wall. Some sort of landscape that was supposed to be calming and soothing. As far as he was concerned, it might have been a picture of hanar copulating for all the effect it had on him.

He knew what Chellick was referring to, and he couldn't care. It was the reason he had been called to the Executor's office, the reason he had been called there numerous times. His last arrest had resulted in the suspect mysteriously getting a broken nose and two broken fingers. Anyone might call it a hate crime against humans on behalf of a turian, but everyone that was anyone knew that Garrus didn't care for race when it came to his job.

A crook was a crook was a crook.

"I understand that your methods might have worked when you were with Commander Shepard, but this is C-Sec and-" Chellick cut off when Garrus' stare became cold, hard and deadly.

Garrus' reaction to the mention of that name had not changed in the ten months since she was declared killed in action. Unless she was mentioned with the utmost reverence, Garrus tended to react… infamously. It was a warning whispered to the new recruits when they stepped into C-Sec for the first time.

_Do not mention Elrika Shepard within earshot of Inspector Vakarian._

Inspector Vakarian. Thanks to his efforts to take down Saren. Being a simple C-Sec officer hadn't been enough for a hero. He could just imagine Shepard taking one look at 'Inspector Vakarian' on his desk and laughing her ass off.

'Inspector_? That's _all_ they gave you? Oh, God, you're _so_ important, Vakarian_.'

But that wasn't the reason that he didn't get higher. He could have, if he wanted to. But his vile temper and way of getting things done…

He wasn't sure if Elrika would have been proud or disappointed. She had been far more brutal than he, but she had always tried to temper his impulsiveness. Always tried to make him think.

'_You can't predict what people will do, but you can tell how you'll respond. I just respond really, really violently_.' Her smile, looking over her shoulder at him as she lifted her pistol. '_As far as I'm concerned, people get one chance to determine my response_._ After that_?' She shrugged and glanced at her pistol. '_They can't complain_.'

He had applied most of her lessons in his work at C-Sec, much to the disquiet of his superiors. No one wanted to say anything, of course. He was _changed_. He was _damaged_. Not that anyone would dare speak such things to his space, but it was the scuttlebutt around C-Sec, whispered as workers cleared debris and repaired the damage.

Garrus Vakarian had never been the same after Saren. After Shepard. After her death.

His chest tightened painfully, and he suddenly became aware that Chellick was speaking again. Opening his eyes, he glanced down at the Executor, promoted after his superior had been killed in the geth attack on the Citadel. Garrus wanted to say he mourned Pallin, but the turian had made no effort to like or be liked, so Garrus made no effort to pretend to care that he had died.

Elrika would be _so proud_ of her badass little turian, as she had liked to call him.

"No one is arguing with your results, believe me." Garrus suppressed a spark of irritation as Chellick ripped him out of far more pleasant thoughts. "Crime rate has dropped exponentially since you came back. It's just the way you go about getting them that people are…" Chellick gave the turian equivalent of pursing his lips, mandibles fluttering, "questioning."

Garrus said nothing. He was both younger than Chellick and his subordinate. By turian social custom he should be showing Chellick the utmost respect deserved to one who had achieved a higher social rank. But Garrus had long since accepted that he wasn't a good turian. It was only now that everyone else was beginning to see it, too.

"I think you should take some leave. You came straight to C-Sec after… after the incident with the _Normandy_. Everyone else took time off, except the quarian-"

"Tali'Zorah," Garrus spoke her name in a clipped tone. "Her name is Tali'Zorah nar Rayya." Though it would be Tali'Zora vas something, now…

"Tali'Zorah," amended Chellick, "returned to the Migrant Fleet. Doctor T'Soni has moved on to other things. I heard Gunnery Chief Williams has been promoted and stayed with the Alliance. Even… even Councillor Anderson took a few days for mourning, apparently as is the human custom. Even we turians have mourning customs. But you… you came straight to C-Sec. So perhaps… maybe it would be best if you took some _time_…"

"Is this a recommendation, or is it mandatory?"

Chellick paused, mouth open, before he dropped his chin, "I am _recommending_ very strongly, Vakarian."

They'd never fire him. He was a hero. A damaged hero, scarred by his experiences on the frontline. To fire him would have been… impolitic. Fucking bureaucratic bullshit. He hated the politics of it all, the 'correctness' that they all had to abide by.

The same bureaucracy that wrapped him so tightly in red tape that he was choking also couldn't handle the Reaper threat and the potential panic that it would cause. So they blamed the geth and shipped Shepard off to die.

And then they spat on her grave. That's what he hated the most. That her words would die with her, that the Council would bury the Reaper threat along with her body. Instead they labelled her a martyr and a hero and moved on.

Garrus seethed with ineffective hatred. At everyone. At everything.

At himself.

He glanced at the data pad in his hand, the one he had brought with him to Chellick's office. "Alright…"

Chellick's head twitched with shock, "You accept?" Obviously he had expected to have to fight Garrus all the way.

"In a manner of speaking." It wasn't like he hadn't seen Chellick's 'recommendation' coming. He had been prepared. Flicking his wrist, he tossed the data pad to the older turian, who caught it easily.

She had tried to teach him in their time together. In many things she had succeeded, but one lesson in particular never stuck. Elrika had not been an impulsive person. Though many might think she made snap decisions, it was something that came with thinking under fire. In a few seconds she could adequately weigh up everything that could come from the decision and make the best possible choice.

Garrus had never lost his impulsiveness, but as he strode out of his office, he finally realized what it felt like to make those instantaneous decisions and own all of the consequences, good or bad.

It was liberating.

"What is this?" Chellick glanced at the data pad, then at Garrus, who was already leaving his office.

His head twitched to the side and he spoke without breaking his stride, "My resignation."

The door closed behind him.

**~}{~**

Garrus wished that he had a holo of Elrika. Something to remember her by. But when they had been descending into hell, mementos had been the last thing on their mind. Afterwards, even in the ensuing celebration, such tokens had slipped from their minds.

They had survived the worst, after all. If death didn't come for them then, it would never come.

Spirits, how he rued that thought. Even though Elrika hadn't done more than drink as the rest of the _Normandy_ partied uproariously following Saren's defeat, he wished he had gotten at least one holo of her. Everyone else had a thousand, and she had none.

When they proposed a group photo, she bitterly remarked that the group was missing one, and would be incomplete. Realizing she put a dampener on the party mentioning Kaiden's death, Elrika retired to her quarters.

Garrus went to find her soon after and the two of them shared drinks, talking into the wee hours of the morning. Garrus told her about how he was going to re-apply for Spectre candidacy and how he would also return to C-Sec. She had gone silent for a time, and then asked him why. He said that he thought he could do some good.

"You can't change the galaxy, Garrus," she had said quietly, running her finger around the rim of her half-empty glass. "You're only going to destroy yourself if you try."

"Some might say you have changed the galaxy," he countered. "You certainly saved it."

Her expression turned sombre and pensive, before she slipped behind her usual veneer of sarcasm, slyly offering he could wait out his Spectre candidacy processing time on the _Normandy_. Garrus was startled; he had assumed that he would leave the _Normandy_ when it was all over, since there wasn't a reason to have non-humans on a human military vessel after Saren's death. Elrika just barked a laugh and asked him when she had ever cared what the higher ups thought. As far as she was concerned, Garrus would always have a place on her ship.

Then they had gotten good and drunk, laughing until they were too tired to stand. They both collapsed on her bed to sleep, and woke up with hangovers like ships colliding.

He wished he had taken a holo of her.

But now, all he had was his memories.

He closed his eyes inside his helmet, bending his head forward as he tried to burn the image of Elrika's sleeping face on his mind. Her lips slightly parted, her face peaceful, her human eyelashes fanned out against her slightly freckled cheeks. He splayed his hand over the chest plate of his heavy armour as his chest tightened in agony. So many regrets. He should have stayed behind. He should have helped her… He should have realized how much he cared for her _before_ she died.

Her unguarded expression also floated to the fore, and he wondered – not for the first time – what saving the galaxy had cost her. He would find out, he supposed…

Drawing in a deep breath, he shoved off from the wall and approached the transport pilot that was loading up his ship. Clearing his throat, he drew the turian's attention, turning the other's unmarked face to him. Garrus stamped down the blood-deep prejudice against the clanless and exhaled into his helmet.

"How much?"

"Depends…" the turian rubbed his head fringe, which was short and stunted. Ugly. "Where you headed?"

"Where are you?"

"Omega. Non-stop, all the way."

Omega. Garrus cocked his head slightly, thinking it over. Omega.

"How much?" he asked again, reaching for his chit.

**~}{~**


	2. As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

**Warning**: Infrequent coarse language. Conversations slightly re-written for story purpose and because the author can't exactly remember them.

**Note**: I know this scene is done a lot, but really. What Garrus/Shep flashback fic is complete without it? Not mine, at

**Last edited: **17/11/11

**Chapter two:**

_As I Lay Me Down To Sleep_

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**Collector Base**

He listened to her battle in his ear as he fired, picking off Collectors as they came at him with precise shots between their many eyes that blew their brains out the back of their elongated heads.

A feminine cry of rage sounded from his side of the Collector Base and a wave of biotic destruction rushed past him, sending Collectors spinning in every direction. Grunt charged in its wake, smashing down insect-like aliens beneath his broad feet like they were sticks. Jack stilled any movements with cold shots from her biotically enhanced pistol.

+_Enemies above_!+

+_Shield disabled_.+

+_Shepard! I'm being cooked alive!_+

+_Nag nag nag_! _Jesus, can you men do _anything_ on your own_?+

He turned and ejected his steaming thermal clip, the superheated cylinder of metal causing a Collector to sidestep to avoid being burned. Bringing up his unloaded sniper rifle, he wrapped it around the Collector's elongated head. With a sharp jerk and a twist of his body, he pivoted and broke the Collector's neck. As he allowed it to fall behind him, he inserted a concussive round and blasted a Collector off the walkway, drawing a fresh thermal clip from his ammunition pouch before it even fell out of sight.

He brought up his now loaded weapon and struck a Collector across the face with the butt, then dragged the rifle back over his shoulder for a backhanded blow. As the Collector staggered, he buried the muzzle of his rifle against its chest and blew out its ribcage.

Then, using the limp body as cover, he dove behind a convenient protrusion emerging from the floor of the Collector Base.

"They're fucking everywhere!" shouted Jack as she landed next to him.

He nodded to show that he heard, resting his assault rifle on the top of their mutual cover and spraying the area behind him with fire. Collector howls of pain filled the air. They were so close. So many of them. It was strange to not have Elrika draw their fire, not to have her mow them down in droves as he picked off the weakened members of the group with single shots that dropped them instantly. It was strange not to watch her movements and match his to compensate. To watch her back. To have the utter confidence of knowing that she could take anything they threw at her.

It was just strange to be without her at his side. In the past months, it was like something broken had been repaired. A hole had been filled. He had not left her side since she had come back into his life. It felt right…

Whenever he needed her most, she was there to save him.

Not even death had been able to stop that.

**~}{~**

**Omega, five months before the Omega 4 relay**

He was going to die.

Oh, he wasn't wounded fatally yet. Bullets had grazed him, yes, but it was nothing major.

Regardless, he was going to die.

He was starving. Exhausted. He had been against the low wall for what seemed like days, but could only have been a few hours. Spirits. _Only_.

He picked off a vorcha and winged a Blue Suns merc before dropping back down with an exhausted sigh, ejecting his thermal clip and picking up a cold one, sliding it home with practiced ease. It was no longer determination to survive that drove him. No longer a desire to mete out justice and punishment. It was just sheer stubbornness.

He waited a few more minutes, before he slid back around and took down the two mercs that had chanced the bridge. A bullet clipped his helmet and his body didn't react even as he slid back into cover. His adrenaline reserves were run dry and every instinct had resigned itself to death.

But then again, he had died a long time ago. He was just too stubborn to lie in his grave just yet.

His kinetic barrier hummed back to life and he fished for another heat sink, his eyes straying to the covered bodies over by the bunks. He recalled their faces. Their nuances. Their idiosyncrasies.

Their names.

The names of the men he got killed.

Maybe it was unfair for a dead man to lead the living. Perhaps that had made their fates inevitable…

Garrus popped back up and caught a merc between the eyes, making the others pull back. Automatic fire peppered the concrete around him. He disregarded it. They were firing blind, trying to keep him down. For someone that wanted to live, that would work.

He no longer had that desire… And he hadn't for a long time.

Her face floated in front of his eyes, her voice, her laughter. Their first meeting…

Watching the _Normandy_ break apart in the skies above him… knowing she was on board…

He pushed out of cover again and fired every round his sink could possibly hold in quick succession, kneecapping one merc, killing another and wounding two more. One shot went wide and he swore, before emptying the final shot into a vorcha shifting position.

Fucking freelancers! It was a wonder the walkway wasn't blocked with their corpses.

Garrus shifted his weight as he sat down and let his legs slide out from under him, bringing his hand up to rub at his face before he remembered that he had a helmet on. Letting his claws slide over the pockmarked surface, he then dropped his hand to his lap and leant his head back, the cover of his head fringe bumping against the low wall behind him.

A part of him wanted to give in. Just let them kill him. Let it all be over with.

He looked at the corpses and felt shame coil in his gut for thinking it. His men had died because of his lax attitude. He couldn't let their deaths be shamed because of his weariness.

If he had pulled his weight when they had been alive, they might _still_ be alive.

_Sidonis_…

He snarled with rage, letting it fill him, letting the bitter tang flood his empty veins with life. Rolling to one knee he brought up the sniper rifle and took aim. He might not be able to kill Sidonis for what he had done, but he was damn sure that if he was going down, he was going to take every single one of these sonofabitches w-

His whole world shuddered to a stop and he snapped back into cover, tasting his heart in his mouth, his eyes painfully wide.

_No. No. No!_

Hallucination. A delusion in his exhaustion. A remnant of previous thoughts. Impossible. What he had just seen was impossible. _Impossible_.

His hands shook as he spun back out of cover, his scope scanning. No. Nothing. Shit. Had he really imagined it? Was he so far gone? He shot at a merc, who ducked behind a wall, looking behind him. When he poked his head back out, Garrus caught him between the eyes, sending him tumbling backwards. Garrus shifted his sight onto another freelancer as the space emptied by his previous victim was filled by another witless idiot. When he killed his current target, Garrus popped the heat sink and took aim again.

His heart. In his mouth. Spilling past his fangs and onto the ground before him.

One green eye was staring right back at him from behind the cover of the wall to which she had her back pressed, exposing as little of herself as possible. But it was enough. Enough for him to know that what he had seen hadn't been a hallucination, or someone that just looked similar.

_It was her_.

He had studied her face enough to know the subtle nuances had been altered. The scars she had once had were gone, replaced by strange fissures in her cheeks. Something about the slope of her forehead was different. Her cheekbones were fuller. Or perhaps her cheeks were more gaunt. The eye he could see was an almost unnaturally bright green… End there was something in it. Something dark and fathomless.

He dropped back and out of sight again, wheezing in his shock and horror.

_How…?_

He looked again and saw her talking to someone, a dark-skinned human that was with her. He was keeping in cover. She was not. She kept looking in his direction.

Since when did Elrika Shepard do merc work?

_Since when was Elrika Shepard _alive?

Garrus sniped a merc right out from next to her and she glanced at his falling form. He ducked back down to reload his rifle and looked back to see she hadn't moved, even when one of his rounds clipped the concrete beside her head. Frustrated, Garrus slammed a concussive shot home and fired at her. His stomach lurched as she jerked, but it was only with surprise as her kinetic barrier sparked and died.

Still, she didn't move.

Instead she sort of stared up at him, waiting.

Testing.

_She knows I don't want to kill her_…

Garrus clenched his fingers around his sniper rifle, killing another merc. He willed her to move. Willed her to get out of the firing line. If she didn't, and he didn't shoot her, they would know something was up.

_Dammit, what are you _doing_?_

She had a plan. She always had a plan. But what was it? He didn't want to inadvertently mess it up. He loaded a proper round, cautious and afraid.

_Does she _want_ me to shoot her_?

Thankfully she took the decision from his hands as she turned and headed off to the side, vanishing from his sight, and Garrus shuddered with relief as he emptied his thermal clip into freelancers, even nabbing one Blue Suns merc as he slid past.

That shudder turned into a fine tremble as he realized that Shepard was there. Shepard. Elrika Shepard. Was alive, on Omega, and there. He felt sick, wanting to throw up from what he knew was shock. His nervous system couldn't cope with what his brain was processing, his heart and soul warring with emotion they couldn't process, overloading.

He missed the next two shots, going way wide, and a freelancer got far too cocky for his own good. Garrus got him in the left eye for his trouble, his corpse landing in a crumpled heap

_Shepard. Shepard, where do you go?_

He had wanted her to move, but now that she was gone he found that he wanted her back. He wanted to see her in his scope. He wanted to know she was alive. As time ticked on, Garrus began to worry about his sanity. Had he really imagined her? Had he really seen her? Was she real?

Was he already dead?

Was he in the human hell?

He was damn sure that their heaven, paradise, would not taunt him with her face.

"_Heaven? C'mon, Ash. Bright lights and fluffy clouds? I don't think so. Whips and chains, now that's my thing_._ Hell sounds a lot more fun. It'll definitely be quieter than this._"

His hands tightened on his gun as he rose up slightly, exposing more of himself. The moment he did it, the freelancers burst into movement, causing him to duck back down. This was no constant pressure. It was a wave. A push. A stream of men flowing over the bridge. Too many. Some would get into the base.

A flash of red and black armour, dark and sinister, form-fitting and protective, drew his attention. He knew he shouldn't have looked, he knew he should have focused on the freelancers, but he couldn't help watching her leap nimbly over the barricade and firmly back into his life. Her boots thudded down on the walkway and she gave a cold-hearted grin of relish. A grin that chilled many to the core. A grin that made his heart sing. The grin of a demon. The grin of an angel.

Archangel, the locals called him. But she was _his_ angel. His angel with black, bloody wings, toting a scythe and a smoking gun. Come to save him in his hour of greatest need.

She cracked her knuckles and pulled down her assault rifle, letting it unfold in her palm and bringing it up to her shoulder. Quick, precise shots had the freelancers at the back of the group, the ones in front either no noticing or assuming that Archangel had been the one to take them down. Garrus rose to his feet, watching her enter battle with the smooth fluidity that was so familiar, it hurt to see.

It really was her, and that meant that he could trust her with his back.

Tossing his sniper rifle into his other hand he turned and dashed to the opposite wall, sliding into place and bringing up his sniper rifle. The first merc to hit the stairs spilled over behind them, blood spraying from the back of his helmet.

Something exploded under his feet and a body, burning and unrecognizable, went flying off to one side.

"_She's with Archangel_!"

_Yes. Yes she is. And you're all dead_.

She stepped into the open, drawing attention and fire as she returned it without flinching. The man and woman she was with, both humans, circled around to flank the mercs, who were preoccupied with the threat that Shepard posed. Logical battle tactics were to eliminate the heavily armed and armoured soldier first.

Problem was that this was a tactic upon which Shepard based her own combat methods. Garrus knew that it took more than bullets to take her down.

In fact, it took a ship blowing up.

Garrus shook his head to clear it of that memory, but he was too late to catch the two mercs that made it to the door of the room that he had barricaded himself in. One of them began to cut through the locking mechanism, whilst the other covered his back. Both of them were too far out of Garrus' line of sight, the angle too awkward for him to get a good shot off.

Not that he needed to, because just as he went to check for Shepard, she was stepping around one of the planters and firing her shotgun point blank into his face. He fell backwards and over the railing, his face nothing more than an explosion of blood and bone.

Garrus could only assume the shot alerted the other man, unable to see anything as Shepard bringing up her gun to knock something side. A gun went bouncing over the railing and the man shouted for mercy.

Shepard had never particularly been a merciful creature, and she pivoted, throwing her entire bod behind the blow. After several more brutal, unseen impacts, a man was tossed screaming over the railing to land with a sickening crunch below. By that time, Garrus was watching the last of the mercs trying to get a shot at Shepard's back.

He fired even though he knew he would miss, forcing the man back into cover and fouling his shot.

Garrus would not tolerate anyone threatening Elrika. Not now.

He keyed his omnitool to let her in and then aimed at the merc once more. He heard the door open. His heart leapt. He felt sick. He wanted to throw up.

"Archangel?"

Her voice. It was _her_ voice. It was all he could do to keep from turning to her. He wanted to run to her and throw his arms around her and just hold her forever.

Instead, he held up his hand, stalling her, as he kept the pillar the freelancer was hiding behind in his sights. Focus. A forehead. A nose. A throat.

He squeezed his trigger. The man's trachea disappeared in a spray of blood and he collapsed, writhing and choking, condemned to bleed to death. Relish flooded his body for a moment before he let it fade into sheer exhaustion. Garrus shoved his sniper rifle against the ground, using it as a crutch to push himself up. He glanced at Elrika, saw her watching him with narrowed eyes, and felt a small part of him break down crying with relief. He wanted to get down on his knees and thanks the spirits that she had indeed come back to him. But not now. Not in front of the sharp-eyed strangers behind her.

His helmet came off and he saw the joyous surprise and exultation that crossed her face as he set it down to one side, forgetting it.

"_Shepard_," he whispered, sitting down on some crates so he could watch the bridge beyond her. "I thought you were _dead_."

"_Garrus_!"

**~}{~**

Kneeling behind the pockmarked wall that was probably the only reason Garrus was still alive, Shepard rested her hand on her chin as she watched the YMIR mech rip the Eclipse mercs apart. Garrus rested one forearm on his knee as he watched from his perch, brow ridges arched. Across his knees lay Shepard's Cerberus-issue sniper rifle.

It was a single-shot, but powerful, and far more accurate than his had been. Shepard had taken out an Eclipse mech with his and promptly declared it scrap. Well, actually what she said was, "How the fuck has this piece of shit kept you alive?" As Garrus defended that it was all he could afford, Shepard had thrust her own sniper rifle into his arms and promptly pitched his weapon over the railing, where it smashed on the floor far below.

Garrus had let out a strangled cry of horror, before he found out exactly how beautiful Cerberus weaponry was. For all his reservations of the group, they earned some brownie points with the knowledge that they didn't skimp on their equipment.

"Wow," said Jacob, standing beside Shepard with his arms folded over his chest. They didn't even need to take cover. "I didn't think it would work _this_ well."

"Almost takes the fun out of it," muttered Shepard.

"Feel free to open fire on it and draw its attention, Shepard," came Miranda's snide comment. Garrus already knew that she and Elrika did not like one another. He was inclined to agree with Elrika, but then again he was relatively biased.

"Mmm… Well, we have to kill it eventually." Shepard shoved to her feet, moving out from between Jacob and Miranda. "You three stay here."

Garrus glanced at her, brow ridge arched. She'd been in his company again for barely a few minutes, and already she was giving orders. Spirits he had missed her…

"Where are you going?" Elrika didn't answer Miranda as she scooped up as many thermal clips that she could carry, heading out the door. "Where is she going?"

To do the second thing she was best at, apart from killing everything in her path. "To be a target," Garrus shook himself and lifted his new sniper rifle as he waited for Shepard to take up her position on the lower level. "Get ready to fire."

"What? When?"

A barrage of assault rifle fire raked out from beneath them and the YMIR Mech turned from the corpses at its feet to Shepard, firing rockets at her.

"Now!"

Garrus, Jacob and Miranda opened fire, determined to kill the mech before it killed Shepard.

**~}{~**

"For squishy, salamander men, salarians are inordinately hard to kill," Shepard noted as she crossed to Garrus, driving a medigel pack straight into her hardsuit's first aid interface.

"Jorim is slippery. Even for a salarian."

"Well, salarians seem to be a sore spot for you, Garrus."

He pointed at her, eyes narrowed with mock outrage. "That was a low blow, Shepard."

"Below the belt, I'm sorry." Her grin said otherwise.

Garrus accepted a medigel pack from Shepard, although it was nothing more than a patch job for him. For Shepard it was somewhat more effective. He watched a shallow wound on her cheek close right before his eyes. "You've had some upgrades, I see."

Her face darkened and she glanced over at Miranda and Jacob, who were watching them closely. "I'll tell you all about it later, I promise."

"Looks like we both have tales to tell."

Elrika grinned at him and slapped his shoulder. "Yeah, but yours is just about how you fucked up. _Mine's_ about how I came back from the dead."

Garrus stared at Elrika, his chest tight, "You really… you really died…" He hadn't realized how much he had hoped he was mistaken about her fate. He hadn't realized how much he had been hoping, unconsciously, that she hadn't actually died. Instead he had been hoping that she had somehow gone missing or become displaced and now was returning to tell the universe she was fine, and that she had just been sipping drinks on a beach on some garden world.

He would have preferred that – preferred anything – to the crushing knowledge that she had actually died…

"Yeah," she said as she nodded. "Spent two years that way, or so I hear."

"You're not dead now, though…" He dipped his head, "Cerberus."

"Like I said, Garrus. Later."

As if to remind them of their situation, an explosion rocked the facility and Garrus' head snapped up.

"What… was that?" Elrika glanced over her shoulder.

"They've made it into the basement. Shepard, you have to go down and close the blast doors."

"Why didn't _you_ close them?" She jabbed a finger at him.

"I was a little busy. Go, Shepard! I'll hold them off here."

"Like you have options."

"_Shepard_."

"Going! You got really bossy in the last two years. Jacob. Stay with him. Miranda, let's go. Try not to get shot, either of you." She looked at Garrus. "I didn't come back just to watch you die, instead."

**~}{~**

Garrus ducked away as incendiary buckshot sprayed over his shoulder, splashing fire across the wall in front of him. His kinetic shield was about to fail. "Shepard, I need help with this guy!"

+_If you'd give me a minute to kill the _dozen vorcha_ down here, Garrus, I'll be right with you. Think you can hold the raging krogan off until then_?+

"I'll do my best." He was laughing. _Laughing_. When was the last time he had laughed in combat? Not since she had died. Only she could make facing death a humorous thing. Even when she had experienced it, she was still laughing in its face.

"Shepard, we really need some help up here!" Jacob dove over the couch as Garm got too close, his kinetic barrier sputtering as it desperately tried to stay alive, desperately tried to keep its wearer alive. The couch was tossed into a wall and splintered into nothingness, sending Jacob scarpering behind a bunk.

Garrus opened fire on Garm, shooting out of cover and diving backwards over another couch, drawing Garm's attention.

+_According to human lore, you should be saving _me. _Men! I should have left _you_ behind, Miranda_.+

+_Don't I know it_?+

Time seemed to stretch forever as Garrus dove back over cover as Garm circled it, continuing to play cat and mouse with the krogan that seemed to regenerate as fast as he was injured. Finally, Shepard cleared the doorway as a krogan sailed past her, propelled by a concussive round that sent him slamming with bone-crushing force into the opposite wall.

Shepard snatched up a handful of dropped thermal clips and slid into cover as Garm turned with a roar. Rolling out and onto one knee, she brought up her assault rifle and emptied her first clip right into Garm's face.

Elrika was never a woman for subtleties.

Garm roared as his kinetic barriers exploded and died. Elrika's fire wore down his armour, cracking it open and spraying krogan blood everywhere. Then inevitably, as with all krogan, Garm charged. Elrika, having fought many krogan, simply turned and ran.

Garrus shouted her name as she bolted past a horrified Miranda, the enraged, bleeding, blinded krogan hard on her heels. She aimed blindly over her shoulder, shouting for Miranda to get into cover as she fired with her pistol, keeping Garm on her tail.

"Shepard!" Jacob was behind Garm, emptying his shotgun over and over into the krogan's heavily armoured back.

Garrus planted himself against the wall and fired into Garm's neck as the massive creature swung its arms, charging forward heedless of the damage he was taking. Shepard reached the stairs and leaped up, planting her boot on the railing. Throwing herself up, she grabbed the low wall to what was once Garrus' private room. Bending her arms and hauling herself up, she kicked Garm in the face and used that to send herself rolling over the edge.

Garm roared as his eyes finally healed, circling around the wall with what seemed to be a single-minded determination to rip Shepard apart with his bare hands. He jerked to a stop with just enough room left for Garrus to see the business end of the grenade launcher thrust into the bloody mess that was his mouth.

+_Regenerate this_,+ came her cold voice in Garrus' ear.

A moment later she stepped out of Garrus' bedroom, which was coloured a nice shade of krogan. Jacob and Miranda stood, gaping, as she grinned hugely. Garrus just shook his head.

"I redecorated."

She hadn't changed a bit.

**~}{~**

He should have known better than to let his guard down. Should have known better than to believe that he might survive, that he might be able to live…

Elrika had been brought back to life, which was more than he had ever hoped for, but the price would be his life and a few fleeting minutes together.

_Elrika_…

Pain. His world was pain and anguish. Fuzzy noises. His right ear was like a spear of white-hot fire driving into his head. The right side of his face was all exposed nerves. He tasted blood. He felt it pouring from his nose.

"_GARRUS_!"

_Elrika_.

An explosion somewhere behind him. Muffled and indistinct. Hands touched him.

_Elrika_?

"…rus. _GARRUS_! Can you hear me?"

_Yes_. He sucked in a breath, trying to tell her he could hear her. Trying to tell her he was alive. Blood gurgled in his throat, filling his lungs. Something in his chest wasn't working. His eyes darted wildly, staring at the blurred faces above him. One of them was dark-haired. One was dark-skinned. One was pale-skinned with hair like setting suns.

_Elrika_. His eyes found her and he stared, releasing his grip on his sniper rifle as his mind found something else to grasp onto.

"Garrus! Garrus. Sweet fucking Jesus… Garrus. _Jacob_! Radio the _Normandy_!"

_The _Normandy's_ gone, Elrika_. His mouth opened, trying to remind her. _You were on it, remember? You died_…

Blood splashed his chest, blue and turian.

"Tell them we're on our way. And tell them to have the fucking med-bay prepped!"

"We need to hurry. He looks bad."

"Hold on, Garrus. _Just hold on_."

Medigel covered him until he felt like he was drowning in it. Someone picked him up, hauling him to his feet, and then off the ground. Turians were heavy. Who was carrying him? Because he was being carried. He was moving. Floating. Flying.

"We can't go back through Omega, Shepard. The mercs would be over us in a heartbeat.

"Fuck. Get the _Hammerhead_. Find his helmet! We're going to space."

"We're going to _what_?"

"In there, go!"

"Shepard!"

_Always the suicidal plan for her. Always the one that works_.

"Seal the doors! Joker, are you in position?"

He heard a crackle of a familiar voice. And an unfamiliar one.

+_I'm sorry, Garrus…_+

He tried to scream as his face was jostled, and then the hermetically sealed environment of the interior of his helmet greeted his blood-choked nose. A gun fired somewhere distantly. Something smashed. The floor disappeared. Something bounced against his shoulder.

+_Hold on, Garrus_!+

_Don't be afraid. I'm not going anywhere. I just got you back_.

The ground was under him again. She was roaring commands. They were moving again. He found her face through his visor, his clawed hand reaching for her. She glanced at him and gripped his fingers tightly, and then spun around as light bathed the darkened interior of wherever they were.

+Chakwas!+

_Chakwas_?

More movement. Floating. He was lying down now. An unfamiliar ceiling. A familiar face. White hair.

"You have to go, Elrika. You have to go. I have to operate."

_No. No. Don't send her away_.

"Chakwas… Chakwas. Don't let him die. Please. Please don't let him die."

"I won't. I won't, I swear."

"Don't die, Garrus," her voice was fainter. Far away. "Don't! Don't die!"

_I won't. I swear_.

Darkness. No more pain.

But he made a promise. A promise to her. He would take the pain back as long as it meant he could keep his promise. He would take any pain as long as it meant not leaving her side.

**~}{~**

**Normandy SR-2**

His eyes blinked open and the fuzzy white roof above him swam in and out of focus. With a groan he put one hand to his head, jerking it back sharply when pain seared through his senses.

"Garrus. Lie still. Don't try and move."

A familiar voice, off to one side. He struggled to focus on her face as she stepped into view, leaning over him, her silver hair in her face and her eyes tired. He knew that face…

"Chakwas…" he coughed and licked the inside of his mouth, wincing at the taste. "What…? What?"

Spirits, had the last two years been some horrific dream? Some coma-induced delusion designed to make him realise something? He hoped not. His heart would not be able to take it…

"Shepard…?"

"She's on the upper deck talking to the Illusive Man – the puppet master of Cerberus," she explained quietly.

So. Not a dream… "Cerberus…" He closed his eyes, trying to process it all. _How… Why_…

"Rest, Garrus. I'll go tell Shepard that you're awake."

"I'll… I'll tell her myself." And he'd ask her some of the thousands of questions that threatened to tear his head apart. He began to sit up, but stopped when the questions were replaced by searing agony, radiating from his face and shoulder. He lifted his hand to touch it, but Chakwas grabbed it, stopping him.

"Garrus, you've sustained a serious injury. You've _just_ come out of major surgery. You can't be moving right now." She splayed a hand on his chest, trying to push him down. Garrus grunted when he realized that he wasn't wearing his armour. He wasn't bothered, though. Chakwas was always a professional and she had treated him before.

"How bad is the damage…?" he croaked, pushing her hands away and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He grasped the edge and sucked in a steadying breath as the floor darted back and forth beneath him, a combination of pain and nausea almost making him collapse face first onto it.

"It's… Cerberus has given us the finest medical equipment available on any military frigate," she murmured. "I've been able to repair most of the damage with a skeletal cybernetic structure that will hold everything together until your body's natural healing can take over. I've bandaged it up but…"

"_How…_ bad… is the damage?" He lifted his head to stare at her, his right eye not quite focused.

"It'll heal, Garrus," Chakwas said quietly. "But there will be extensive scarring…"

Obviously she wasn't going to tell him. Garrus sighed and brought up his hand to his left eye, feeling the missing panel. "Where…?"

Chakwas moved over to a bench and fished out his visor from what he realized was a pile of his gear. Taking it from her, he fitted it back over his skull, feeling the reassuring clamp at the back of his head and seeing the seeing the familiar and targeting reticule firmly in his vision. People thought it would be disorientating with a tiny screen over only one eye, but Garrus felt strange without it.

Naked.

Speaking of naked… "Where's…" He trailed off when he saw his armour on a nearby bench. Sliding to his feet, he staggered unsteadily over to it, letting the blanket fall away. He didn't bother to cover himself as he began to put it on. Chakwas had treated him numerous times on the _Normandy_ and…

He lifted his head. The _Normandy_… No. It wasn't the _Normandy_'s medbay. It looked similar, but it was brighter, shinier. Newer. It wasn't an Alliance military vessel.

Garrus looked at Chakwas as she moved to help him put his armour on. He wanted to ask her a thousand things, but he knew the only person he wanted to hear the answers from. "Shepard?"

Chakwas opened her mouth as she finished clamping the final seal of his armour, and then closed it again. A scowl lined between her brows, but she merely turned and pointed, "Out the doors, straight through and turn back to the elevator. Go up to the second level. Exit, turn left and go to the armoury. First left, first right."

"Thanks, Chakwas." He stepped away from her, before turning back, "Cerberus, Chakwas. Really?"

"No," she said slowly. "Shepard, Garrus. Shepard."

He understood perfectly.

**~}{~**

"Garrus Vakarian?"

His head came up as the elevator door eased open, exposing a new and improved Normandy CIC. He stared at it for a moment, stunned, before he let his eyes rove to the human standing to one side of the galaxy map. She looked a little like Shepard, so much so that they could have been sisters. Even a turian could see the similarities between them. Reddish-brown hair, green eyes, the facial blemishes that humans called freckles.

But that was where the similarities died. Elrika was cold-eyed, stony-faced and full of merciless calculation. This woman was bright-eyed and fresh-faced and full of kindness. She was not a soldier and she most definitely was not a killer.

"I'm Kelly Chambers. I serve as Shepard's yeoman."

"Shepard's never needed a yeoman before…" was all he could say.

+_Yeah, well the Normandy comes with a lot of extra features_.+

Garrus' head came up sharply and he twitched with pain. Once he recovered, he rasped, "_Joker_?"

+_In the flesh. Complete with cup-holders. And an AI_.+

"A… An AI?"

"We call her EDI," said Kelly with a smile.

"EDI?" He felt like an idiot, just repeating everything everyone said before him.

"Hello, Officer Vakarian."

He turned sharply at the holographic orb that appeared beside the elevator, eyes widening, "Shepard's okay with an AI on the ship? We've had encounters with AIs. The last one tried to kill us." He paused, and then amended quietly, "In fact, _all_ of them tried to kill us."

"I have program protocols that do not allow me to harm or, through omission of action, allowed to be harmed any member of this crew. Especially Commander Shepard. I am compelled to fulfil this programming to the best of my capabilities."

"… Uh huh…"

+_Trust me, I don't like it, either_.+

Garrus pressed his hand to the good side of his head. "I keep thinking this is going to be some strange dream…"

+_Oh, believe me, you aint seen nothin' yet. Better head on through, though._+

"That way," Kelly smiled and pointed at a door to his left. "Then another left, and-"

"A right, yeah, thanks." He nodded to her and turned, striding off towards the door. He tried to sort out his heart and his mind, tried to decide what he would ask first. Tried to decide how to feel. Indignant. Elated. Distressed. Relieved.

All of his preparation faded to nothingness when he saw Elrika's brilliant green eyes and relieved smile. All he felt then was joy.

"Shepard," he said with a returning smile.

Finally, he was where he belonged…

**~}{~**


	3. We Stand Before Their Ashes

**Warning**: Infrequent coarse language.

**Note**: More convo re-writes.

**Last Edit**: 15/1/11

**Chapter Three:**

We Stand Before The Ashes

**~}{~**

**Collector Base**

+_The door! The door! Get to the door_!+

+_It is locked, Shepard-Commander_.+

+_Oh. Well, that's alright. We can just wait_.+

+_Assessment of enemy threat indicates_–+

+_Sarcasm, Legion! That was motherfucking sarcasm_!+

+_Acknowledged_.+

+_Garrus. Where are you?_+

"I'm almost there, Shepard," he said breathlessly, just as the door behind him opened. "Just hold on a little longer." As he rushed through the door, he chanced a glance over his shoulder. What he saw had his assault rifle lifting to his shoulder, forgoing power for rate of fire. "Look out! Seeker swarms!" His team spun around to add their fire to his and they backed the rest of the way to the door.

+_Shepard, there are too many_!+

+_I kind of figured that when I _lost count_, Thane! Garrus! Garrus, where the hell are you? We need this door_-+ Something inside him died as he heard her inarticulate cry of pain.

+_Shepard_!+

+_Shepard-Commander is wounded_!+

Reaching out, he slapped the infiltrator on the shoulder, pointing at the indicator panel on the other door. "Go! We'll cover you!"

+_It's not that bad, Garrus. The bleeding has already stopped_.+

"Thane?"

+_Thanks for the vote of confidence, asshole_.+

+_She is correct, Garrus. The bleeding has stopped. But we cannot endure this for much longer_.+

"Get that damn door open!" he roared, looking at the infiltrator's bowed back.

"It's jammed!"

+_Oh f- Legion! Harbinger, two o'clock_!+

+_Firing at target_.+

It was that moment that, miraculously, the door opened. Thane darted in first, turning to spray the area behind him with his machine pistol. Legion came next, firing his geth assault rifle with one hand as he supported Shepard. She was limping heavily, favouring her left side, where it appeared that a round had caught her where her armour came together to form a weak spot. It wasn't bleeding, but it would hurt like hell.

Legion passed her into his waiting hands, freeing himself up to use his massive, anti-tank sniper rifle. The rest of his team hurried over to assist.

Elrika sagged against him and pointed with her pistol, +_Harbinger! The glowing one! Shoot the fucking glowing one!_+

Sure enough, the Harbinger-possessed Collector leaped over cover and bolted for the door, determined not to let them escape.

+_Garrus! AP_!+

His proximity to Legion was close enough now so the massive rifle glowed yellow with the ammunition configuration, altering the makeup of the thermal clip's output.

+_LEGION_!+

An anti-tank round blasted from over their shoulders and took out half of the Reaper-possessed Collector's head. The rest of the body floated away as it burned to nothingness, but he knew it was only a matter of seconds before Harbinger possessed another Collector.

+GET. THESE. FUCKING. DOORS. CLOSED!+ roared Shepard.

As if eager to obey her orders, the doors sprang from their moorings and slid together… only to stop with about a foot and a half left between them. The infiltrator swore and lunged for one side, as if he could force them closed with his sheer weight. When it became clear that he could not, at least not alone, Elrika tossed aside her gun and joined him on the opposite side.

"Firing positions!" he shouted, standing over her and mowing down everything that moved beyond the door. "Don't let anyone through that door!"

As the team obeyed his order, Elrika and the infiltrator worked at closing the door through strength alone. Just as it began to slide closed, a Collector exploded with burning light and Harbinger threw out his hand-

"ELRIKA!"

She glanced up as the round slid past her helmet and slammed into the infiltrator's exposed temple, sending him spinning away in eerie silence. When he hit the ground it was obvious he was dead, blood, bone and brain matter pooling beneath him. Elrika didn't rush to his side. Instead, she continued pushing the door closed and, when the two edges finally met, she simply stood there, with her hands braced on the metal.

A pall settled over the group as they took in their first casualty. Not likely to be the last, either. But he had eyes only for Elrika. He watched her as reached up and removed her Death Mask, letting it hang in her hands as she walked over to the body. After a moment, she knelt and placed her hand on Jacob Taylor's back, a brief moment of mourning for their first fallen comrade. But not likely to be their last. When she rose again, her face was as hard as ever. Cold.

"Come on," she said as she turned away from the corpse and strode past him. "We have a job to do."

**~}{~**

**Virmire, two years previously**

_"What the hell are you doing, Alenko?"_

+I'm making sure this bomb goes off. There. Done. Get Ash and get out of here.+

_Garrus watched her whirl and pace away from them, her hand to her communications unit. He could only imagine the torment in her as she realized the situation she now faced. The decision._

_Goddamn you, Alenko, he thought. We could have found a way. We could have gotten you both…_

+Don't even think about it, Commander. Get Kaiden and go.+

+Dammit, Ash!+

_"Hey! People want to remember who's in charge here?" Garrus stared at Elrika's hands as she paced back and forth. They were shaking. Finally she turned and strode over to the rail, gripping it hard as she stared out at the blue sky and fluffy white clouds that rolled peacefully over them, disappearing into the cold, harsh bank of a thunderhead that was approaching._

_She had to leave one of them behind._

_Kaiden or Ashley?_

_"Shepard," rumbled Wrex, his voice quiet with deference to the situation. Even he understood the difficulty of the decision Elrika faced._

_She swore and dropped her head, pushing off the rail, "Joker…"_

_Garrus' mouth dropped open when he heard her next words. Even Wrex turned in shock._

"_I'm sorry_…"

+You did the right thing.+

_Elrika turned towards him, her green eyes like emerald shadows of ice behind her lashes. No tears. No sadness._

_"Move out."_

**~}{~**

**SSV Normandy**

_"Why?"_

_Elrika's stopped in the doorway of the debriefing room, staring at the woman that barred her way. "Why, what?"_

_"Why did you leave him behind? Why did you leave _him_ behind?"_

_"I gave you my answer, Ashley. It was my decision. I'll live with it."_

_"I have to live with it too!" cried Ashley, tears of rage in her eyes. "Why did you leave him behind, Shepard? I deserve to know the real reason!"_

_"He made his choice, Ashley. He made it when he joined the Alliance, to fight and maybe die in the service of his duty. He made his choice when he signed up. He made his choice when he stuck it out with me. He made his choice when he set the timer on the bomb to go off early. What I did on that planet was what any commanding officer would have done."_

_"But you… how can you say that?" rasped Ashley. "I thought… I thought you…"_

_"Loved him?" Elrika pushed past Ashley. "That's irrelevant."_

"_It's very fucking relevant! Didn't he matter to you at all?"_

_Elrika came to a sharp stop and whirled, eyes narrowed, "It was a fucking warzone, Williams! Not a bedroom! He's a soldier and I was his commanding officer. I had to choose between one soldier and another."_

"_But you had feelings for him!"_

_"It didn't make a goddamn difference when I made my decision!"_

_"So why did you make that decision? If it was as easy to choose one or the other, why him?"_

_"For the same reason I would have left you behind if your positions had been reversed," snapped Elrika. "For the same reason I would have left anyone behind. _Because he set the goddamn charge_."_

_Elrika whirled away, but not before her eyes glanced over and met the blue hues of the turian who had watched the whole thing in mute shock._

**~}{~**

**Normandy SR-2, two years later, three and a half months before the Omega 4 relay**

Garrus dragged himself out of his thoughts of a distant past, lifetime ago, and returned to the present, to the red-stained walls of the _Normandy_'s main battery. It was here that he felt most comfortable. Being surrounded by humans, the Cerberus logo and a constant reminder to whom he owed Shepard's return meant he would take whatever comfort he could get. With the calibrations of a large gun before him, in the red-lighted bowls of a ship that was almost literally a flying weapon, the turian in him could just curl up and nest in a corner.

The problem, however, was that it also gave him far too much time to think.

Looking down, he splayed his hands over the console before him, his brows drawn together and his mandibles twitching as he tried to process his thoughts. Tried to pick the broken pieces out of the jumbled mess that had taken up residence in his mind. All through his time in Omega he had shelved thoughts for a later time, because he assumed there really wouldn't be one.

But now that he found himself in that later time, he had no idea where to begin.

Perhaps wondering why Kaiden Alenko's noble sacrifice kept surfacing in his mind was a good place to start. He wanted to blame their recent encounter with Gunnery Chief Williams, and her cold reception, for the reoccurring memories, but the thoughts had risen in his mind far before that. Ever since Omega, in fact. They settled like oil on the surface of water, slick and unsettling to examine, but impossible to ignore. Garrus had thought that everything would be alright now that Elrika was back and everything had returned to the way it was, but only now was he beginning to realise that this was not the case at all. Nothing was the same, and he was a fool for thinking that it was.

Why-

"_Garrus_!"

Garrus' head snapped up and he spun around, almost falling in his haste to face Shepard. She stood behind him, eyes wide and brow furrowed. The door was closed behind her and he could only imagine how long she had been standing there, trying to get his attention. He cleared his throat and glanced away.

"Sorry. I was distracted."

"I can see that. Is something wrong?"

"No. No, not at all. Did you… ah… need me for something?" He looked back at her, seeing her turn her head askance and eye him sceptically. He felt his tongue go dry. _Don't ask_, he willed her. _Don't ask when I don't even know the answers yet._

She didn't. "No. I just came down to thank you."

"Thank me? What for?"

Elrika walked over to the railing and rested her hips against it, looking at him. "For Horizon. For Ashleigh. For… what you said."

Garrus twitched his mandibles in a turian expression of befuddlement. "I don't understand. You don't have to thank me for that."

Elrika gave a short laugh and turned to face the _Normandy_'s main battery. The mechanisms and inner workings were exposed as the old torpedo bay was replaced by turian-model cannons as per Garrus' recommendation. Following the frantic mission to Freedom's Progress, and on their way to the asari world of Illium, Elrika was able to pour accumulated funds into the upgrades for the _Normandy_ she had grilled the team for, starting with the armour plating and the main guns.

Garrus fought back a bitter smile as he saw her studying the developments, because he knew the reason behind her determination to make the _Normandy_ as formidable as possible. A normal person would have been afraid of the creatures that killed them, in the unlikely event that they had a second chance at life. Dying just pissed Elrika off and she was determined to exact a high price for her life, but she would not go in rashly. Despite appearances, Elrika was hardly ever rash. She learned from her mistakes, and she never, ever underestimated the enemy, but at the same time, she never underestimated herself. Not even against a vast, sentient ship that was tens if not hundreds of thousands of years old. She went into battle against Sovereign knowing full well she was totally and utterly outclassed, and was still be determined to find a way to win. It was not egotism. It was simply inevitability. She had to do it, so she would find a way to do so.

Where the was a will, humans said, there was a way.

Nothing was impossible to Elrika. Just really, really hard.

Yet as much as he aspired to be like her, Garrus always fell short. He always failed.

_She_ would never have gotten her men killed. She would never have fallen for Sidonis' trick…

"You're disappearing on me again."

Garrus shook himself and saw that she was staring at him askance. "Sorry. What were you saying?"

"Nothing." Elrika turned, putting her back to the guns and bracing her elbows on the railing. "Talk to me, Vakarian."

"It's nothing. Really. Just thinking too much. Why did you need to thank me about what I said?"

Elika took a breath. "I saw Tali. On Freedom's Progress."

Garrus did not know that, "Freedom's Progress?" Eden Prime. Horizon. Humans had an affinity for naming things meaningfully.

"The first colony I went to after my… 'resurrection'. Collectors hit it, and we got there before looters or the Alliance did. A quarian named Veetor gave us the intel we needed to confirm it was the Collectors. And on Horizon, we confirmed the Collectors are working with the Reapers." She dipped her head and gave a shrug. "Tali said she would come with me, that she wanted to, but she had a mission for the Migrant Fleet that was so important she couldn't tell me about it. I respect that. Tali always put the Fleet first. More admirable a soldier than I could ever be." Shepard shrugged and spoke again before Garrus could mount a defence in her honour, "And then you… you were so eager to come back with me. So eager to join me once more. Tali even said that if her mission was done before mine, she would come back and help. But when Ashley refused…"

She lifted her hand and rubbed at her left shoulder, exhaling slightly. "I guess it sort of stung. How divided we've become. We stood against Saren when everything was clear cut and defined but when it came to crunch time… Ashley couldn't look past Cerberus and see me." Elrika's green eyes met the gleam of Garrus' blue in the dark, "But you could…" Elrika stared at him, but just before Garrus began to squirm she looked ahead, expression turning pensive. "I guess I took a lot for granted. I didn't really realise it until Ashley. I can't say I blame her, though. In truth, I'm not mad. I'm just… disappointed."

"Disappointed? In Ash?"

"No. In this whole situation. In how it turned out. In me. I thought things would just go back to normal. I guess that was my first mistake." She smiled with that, but sobered quickly. "I thought that the team would come back together and we'd ride off into the galaxy and save everyone again. But Jacob was right. Even the Illusive Man… It's been two years, and things have changed. For me it's only been a few months, but not for them. Not for you. I can't… imagine what you have gone through. To have changed you so much."

Garrus tilted his head, scowling. "I've changed?"

She nodded and closed her eyes. Garrus felt a tightening in his chest as he regarded her profile. He knew he had, but he wasn't aware that Elrika found it something worth being concerned over.

"For the better?"

"I don't know yet," she said, standing upright and lowering her arms. "But Ash just opened my eyes, I guess. I'm not bothered that she didn't want to come, not really. I mean, I still don't like her very much and her xenophobia pissed me off. But you're a different matter. I just… expected you to come with, so when you did, without ifs ands or buts, or even asking for an explanation, I didn't' realise how big a deal it was. I took your return for granted, Garrus." She reached out and wrapped her hand around his wrist, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry."

Garrus was rendered speechless. Who was this woman standing before him, her brow curled in consternation? It couldn't be Elrika. It couldn't be the woman who shot mercs in the face and laughed about it. Who gave the finger to the Council and told them to fuck themselves. Or each other.

"It's not that big a deal, Shepard."

"Isn't it? I died, Garrus. Now I'm working with Cerberus. But you just came along, without any questions."

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be," he said quickly. Garrus was desperate to change the subject, to steer her away from dangerous territory. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to address… what had happened.

"Really?" Her head lifted and she arched a brow.

"Absolutely, Shepard. I belong here. At your side. Fighting the fight with you." _Please. Let it go_.

"Yeah. But you can't just ignore it."

Garrus swore vilely, a turian word that had no human translation, and turned away from her. "There's nothing to acknowledge, so there's nothing to ignore."

"Alright," said Elrika, and he could _hear_ her folding her arms and cocking her hip. "So how about we address what you were thinking when I came in here?"

"Spirits damn you, woman."

"I get that a lot. Now cough it up, Vakarian."

Garrus clenched his fist, locking his jaws against answering.

"Damn it, Garrus," said Elrika, and her voice was tight, making his chest ache. "If I can't trust you to be fucking honest with me, who can I trust?"

Garrus blinked, and then looked over his shoulder at her. Her brows were drawn together in concern, and Garrus felt sick to his core as he turned his face away in shame.

"I was thinking… I was thinking about Kaiden."

She was silent, and Garrus knew he had startled her.

"I was thinking about Virmire. About your decision."

He heard her take a steadying breath. "I explained it to the whole team. The decision was mine to make. I made it. I lived with it. I explained to Ashley why I chose him and not her. What more do I need to say?"

He looked up at her and found the slight scowl he had been expecting. She wasn't angry, she was just confused and perhaps a little frustrated. "I know there's more to it than that."

"Is there?"

"Shepard, if I can't trust you to be honest with me, who can I trust?"

"Nicely played," her voice was thick with bitterness. When the silence stretched between them, Elrika said quietly, "Are you worried I'm going to leave you behind, Garrus?"

"No! No. Of course not!" He shook his head in fervent denial. "I don't… I just don't understand…" It didn't make sense… He didn't know what he wanted to ask. Why he wanted to ask. "How…" Garrus' voice was a rasp as he forced out the rest of the words. "How do you live with it, Elrika?"

"This is about Sidonis, isn't it?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he just lowered his head and closed his eyes.

"You think I have a magical answer that'll tell you how to live with the guilt of-"

"It's not about the team, or Sidonis," said Garrus quickly. "It's not. Please. Elrika. Just tell me how you could… how could you leave Kaiden behind?"

"I didn't pick Ashley over Kaiden."

Garrus blinked, and then looked up at her. "… You… What?"

"I didn't." This time it was Elrika that paced off to one side, standing against the wall beside the door. "Ashley thinks that I chose her by letting her live. But I didn't. You saw her afterwards, Garrus. You saw her just before, on Horizon, as well. She's… she's moved on. She's coped with it. But still there's the guilt. The guilt that she survived and he didn't. I tried to make her feel better by making the decision logical. Kaiden set the charge, it was his decision, he made it for himself. And it was, partially, the reason. But it wasn't the main reason."

Garrus stared at Elrika as he watched her face become pensive and… full of regret. Regret was not an emotion he saw often on Elrika's face, and it burned itself onto his memory.

"I chose Kaiden over all of us, Garrus. Ashley. And me. Don't get me wrong. I wanted to save Kaiden. I really, really did. But… Ashley is stronger than Kaiden was. I'm stronger than he was. The guilt? I can live with that. I can live with the knowledge that I left him to die on that planet, because if I had saved him… if I had saved him and left Ash to die, he would be worse than dead. He set the charge. He made the decision. And if I saved him after his decision resulted in Ash's death, the guilt of it all would have destroyed him. If I had saved him… he would have died anyway."

She lifted her head, her eyes dark with pain. "I didn't choose Ash, Garrus. I chose Kaiden. I chose to give him the noble death he wanted, instead of selfishly choosing to save him for myself. Because I knew if I did…" She licked her lips and looked off to one side. "If I did, our relationship would have been over anyway. He wouldn't have been able to be with me, a constant reminder of what someone else lost and he did not. Whatever was between Kaiden and myself died when he set that charge."

Shepard pushed off the wall and looked up at Garrus, who was staring at her with a new sense of the woman that was behind her eyes. He had known that though she was stubborn to a fault, she was not actually as hot-tempered as she appeared, nor was she a simple woman. Behind her green eyes was a keen mind for diplomacy and military strategy. She could look into a situation, or a person, and see not only the truth, but the ugly truth. But he hadn't realised the true depth of her comprehension.

Maybe Elrika hadn't changed from her ordeal with death, but he sure as hell hadn't seen all of her before it. Or maybe she just hadn't shown it to him in those early months of knowing her. She neither trusted nor distrusted people without reason, but she went about life giving people a chance, and if they failed that chance, or took it for granted, she would shoot them between the eyes. Had he somehow proved worthy of her complete trust?

"But how do you live with it?"

"Because guilt is not worth dying for." Her words turned hard, as did her face.

He sighed and closed his eyes, lowering his head. "I wasn't questioning you, or your decision making. I really wasn't. I just wanted to know… how you could cope with the guilt."

He didn't open his eyes. He didn't want to look at her. He didn't want to see what was on her face. She had condemned Kaiden to die on the planet. She had left him there. Her explanation of what she had thought had made him understand her more, but it hadn't eased his own guilt.

"There's really no point in dwelling on the dead, Garrus. It won't bring him back. Nothing I can…" She stopped, then laughed, bitter and sharp. "No, I can't say that anymore, can I? I mean, look at me. Shit. Doesn't that throw you off?" She looked away, smiling sadly. "Brought me back to fight the Reapers. Can't even escape in death." She drew a breath, unaware of the devastation her words were wreaking on Garrus as he watched her. "I just don't know anymore. But it's easier knowing I have you back with me, Garrus. Of all the people…" she trailed off.

"Of all the people, what?"

"You're always going to be up," she said, evading him. "Always. I don't care who else we recruit. I don't care who has better combat experience. You're always going to be with me. Can you handle that?"

He stared at her in silence, wondering what she was trying to say without saying it.

"Always, Shepard."

"Good," her smile was slight, her eyes dipping down as she thought his adamant reassurance over. "I'm glad I have you at my back, Garrus."

"Considering who you're teamed with so far, I can imagine why."

"That's not it." Silence lapsed after her blurted words and she scowled. Finally, she admitted, "Of all the people, there's no one else I would rather have at my side. No one. No one I can trust more. Depend on more. No one who knows me well enough… who I want to know me that well." She confessed the last quietly.

"No one?" Garrus' throat tightened.

She turned away and he thought she would leave without answering. But just before the doors closed, she looked back and said, "No. No one. Alive or dead."

The door hissed open and Garrus felt reality crash into him like a krogan, making him clutch the railing to keep from pitching head first into the firing mechanisms. Garrus bowed his head.

"I left you behind."

The doors closed. He could still feel her in the room. He knew she hadn't left. Then he heard her turn. The silence stretched. Became painful.

"So," she said. "It really isn't about Sidonis."

Desperate, he spoke, "The fact that Cerberus brought _you_ back doesn't diminish the fact that I _left you behind_, Elrika," he rasped, keeping his eyes closed. "I thought it would be alright. I thought that because you were back, and alive, it would be alright. But it's not. I…" He turned to her sharply and she jerked back, obviously startled by the motion. He stepped towards her, hands lifted, but stopped just shy of grabbing her shoulders. Instead, he clenched his fists and bowed his head. "I… I left you…" Lifting his head, he stared at her, mandibles flaring wide. "_I'm sorry_." Putting his head in his hands, he hunched over, feeling his heart try and break himself in two. "I tried to make it up. I tried to make it up to you, Shepard. But I failed…"

"Omega," she whispered. "The mercs. Your team. You were trying to be me? Why?"

"I had to. I thought I killed you. I should have helped you get off the ship. I should have waited. I should have-"

"Died with me?" she cut in. "Because that's what would have happened, Garrus."

"You don't know that! You don't know what would have happened! I could have stayed! I could have saved you!"

"Enough." Elrika caught Garrus' face between his hands and he froze, eyes widening. She was careful with his damaged right side, but she forced him to look at her. "Stop. Please."

His eyes searched hers, imploring her to understand. Imploring her to see. As he looked, he realised she did…

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Elrika. I'm sorry I failed to live up to your lessons. I'm sorry."

"Enough," she said, just as quietly. "It was not your fault, Garrus. It wasn't. No one blames you, but you. So stop. You've done enough."

Garrus reached out to Elrika, and then wrapped his arms around her, crushing her against his chest. Dipping his head, he buried it in her shoulder, trembling.

"You've done enough, Garrus. I'm back now. It's going to be okay."

And inside, Garrus hated himself for believing that now she was back, it really was going to be okay.

Because he couldn't do it on his own. He couldn't do it without her. He didn't want to be without her.

Never again.

**~}{~**


	4. I Am With You, Until The End Of Days

**Warning**: This one's better. I think Shepard only says the 'f' word once.

**Last Edit**: 21/1/11

**Chapter Four**:

_I Am With You_

**~}{~**

**Collector Base**

She was staring at the congealed mess at the bottom of the pod, her head resting against the semi-transparent yellow surface of the lid. He stepped up behind her and put his hand on her back, a brief pressure to let her know he was there if she needed him. The others were resting, catching a quick, ten-minute breather. The crew and the escort had been sent back already and it was just a matter of steeling themselves against the coming fight.

He glanced down at the dissolved flesh, blood and bone of the woman that had been in the pod, a woman whose screams of terror and agony would haunt him forever as she was reduced to processed, raw organic matter before their eyes.

If they had been a minute earlier, they could have saved her.

If they had been thirty minutes later, Kelly would be at the bottom of her tube, indistinguishable from the nameless woman they had watched die.

But he knew that Elrika wasn't contemplating that. He had long ago realized that Elrika was a woman that did not care for 'what if's, not in the way that most would. She did not agonize over what could have been, or what might have been, had something been different. To Elrika, the only way things could have gone was the way they did, rendering everything else impossible. He did not necessarily agree, but he acknowledged that it made sense.

She concerned herself only with things that she could change, which, as far as she was concerned, was only herself.

His hand came up and he touched her cheek with the back of his finger. She turned her head sharply and he tried to pull back, but her hand came up to cup his, holding it to her face.

His claws curled around her fingers.

"I wish you were less trustworthy."

"What?" He blinked, startled. That wasn't exactly what he had expected her to say.

"If you were less trustworthy, you'd be coming with me. Someone else would be leading the fire team. But you aren't. You're the most capable leader on my whole damn team and the one I trust the most. But you're also the one I trust most at my back. The one I want most at my side."

He tilted his head and smiled, "Don't worry, you have Thane and Legion to watch your back. Thane's probably the one I trust most to take my place and Legion… well Legion is actually trustworthy. More than Cerberus, at least."

"And there's a sorry statement in and of itself," Elrika shook her head. "Geth are a lot of things, Garrus, but deceptive is not one of them. They're pretty straight-forward. Unlike humans. I mean, when he found out that the 'heretics' were spying on them, he seemed… shocked. But to you and I, it was something we just expected to happen. Funny, isn't it? How innocent they are."

The way she said it made it clear that she didn't expect an answer,

Her fist tightened around his fingers. "So many people gone already. So many people lost…" She tilted her head toward him slightly. "Don't you dare join them."

He brought up his other arm and squeezed her opposite shoulder, lowering his head to rest his nose against her hair.

"I'm always going to be at your side."

It was where he belonged.

**~}{~**

**Normandy, four and a half months previously**

"So, what do you think?"

Garrus accepted the bottle of turian alcohol from Shepard as she sat down on the couch in her quarters. Her beer snapped and fizzed as she broke the seal. He just held his bottle as he stared at the pile of data slates on the table before him.

"Logically, we should have a biotic, which would balance out my tech abilities and your pure combat skills. Since we both have concussive shot training, pull might be a good addition, strategy-wise."

"Which would be Jacob. His shotgun would come in handy for groups, but you know how I shit on people who use pistols."

"You use a pistol," Garrus lifted his head to Shepard, seeing her take a sip of her beer.

"Yeah, but I kick ass with a pistol."

"You also have a shotgun."

"And I kick ass with that, too. So Jacob is in the 'maybe' pile, purely on biotics," Shepard fished his data pad out of the pile on the table and set it to one side.

"Grunt is good for blunt-force combat and melee," said Garrus. "He'd be a good distraction and able to weather damage. But ranged-combat wise he brings nothing that you and I don't already have. In fact, you weather damage pretty well, anyway."

"So Grunt's out. Wow. He's going to _hate_ that." She put Grunt down on the other end of her little table. "So's Miranda."

Garrus paused from unscrewing the lid of his drink, "What? Why? She has biotic abilities that aren't that bad. Plus her slam would come in really handy. And, to be honest, she can handle herself in a fight."

"Well, because she uses a pistol _and_ a heavy pistol. _And_ she's a Cerberus stooge. And… well, I just don't like her." Shepard shrugged unrepentantly.

Garrus snorted into his drink as he took his first sip, watching Shepard toss the data pad on top of Grunt's. "You did the favour for her with her sister on Illium."

"Yeah, I know. I thought it would make her more agreeable." Elrika lifted her hands and waved them, "My mistake!" She picked up another data pad. "And she is _pissed_ that I'm talking this over with you, by the way."

"Why?"

"I dunno. I suppose she thinks that I should be talking over the squad make up with her," she smirked as she took a swig of her beer. "Well, no. What she said was, 'You should be talking squad make up with your co-chief of command'," Shepard imitated Miranda's accented voice.

"What did you say?"

Elrika smiled sidelong at Garrus and spoke into the neck of her beer, "I said I was."

Garrus blinked, before he laughed. "Me? Come on, Shepard."

"Come on nothing." She dropped her arm and rested it on her knee, letting her beer hang from her fingers. "The moment you came on board, you've been on my team no matter what. Everyone else is interchangeable. Granted I was going to replace Miranda with Archangel no matter who he was, but still. When it was you…" She shook her head. "Couldn't have been happier."

"You didn't really have a second in command on the original _Normandy_," he pointed out.

"This isn't the original _Normandy_. She's sleek and fast and beautiful, but she's was made by Cerberus. She's manned by Cerberus crew. Hell, she's even got an AI made by Cerberus, which can't answer all of my questions." He could only imagine how much Elrika hated that. "Now, more than ever, with a team that I barely know and that barely knows me, I need someone I trust at my back. I need someone I can count on to do what I would do if I got out of commission. That's you, Garrus. No question. You're my second in command. You're the only one I trust on this whole goddamn ship aside from Joker and Chakwas."

Silence stretched between them.

"No offence, Shepard, but if something gets you out of commission, we're relatively screwed. The last time that happened, the ship was _blown up_."

Elrika and Garrus shared a laugh and a drink, before going back to the issue at hand.

"This is harder than it used to be," grumbled Elrika at length, examining the pad she had in her hand. "Wrex had biotics, and his 'I'm a walking brick building' physiology, and a mean eye with his shotgun. You… you were young and hot-headed-"

"Hey!"

"But your skill in battle and with tech was impressive. You were a damn good shot with a sniper rifle, too. Even back then." Elrika rubbed her mouth and scowled at the fish tank. "You both took orders and we worked well together. Hell, by the end, I wasn't even giving orders. You guys just did it. It was a good team. A really good team. I guess we got lucky." She tossed the data pad down. "Mordin's out. He's more useful in the lab than the field. If he dies, we're done."

"That, and his manner of speaking is _really_ annoying," Garrus shook his head with exaggerated exasperation.

Elrika smirked at him. Then she dropped her eyes and put her beer down on the table. Garrus watched her as she picked up a data slate, letting it wobble in her hands as she stared at it without seeing it. "… Liara was different, wasn't she?"

"Somewhat…" Garrus took a swig of his drink as he thought of Liara and her breathy, sultry threat to the sweating human man.

Even when she had transformed into the woman that they knew, the 'airy-fairy, starry-eyed, dreamy-girl archaeologist that they had to rescue from a Prothean bubble', as Shepard put it, that image lingered with Garrus. Jacob hadn't known there was anything different, but when they had stepped out of Liara's office, after her stand-offish and secretive demeanour, Garrus and Shepard were thrown very off kilter.

It was summed up by Elrika's very halting, "…That… was weird…"

And then when Liara told them what she had done… Garrus' eyes darted to Elrika, recalling her reaction to the asari revealing just how Shepard's corpse had ended up in Cerberus' hands.

"She's become somewhat of a formidable force, though. I'm kind of proud of her," Shepard picked up her beer, and then put it back down, scowling. "I seem to be changing everyone around me. Not necessarily for the better."

"I don't know," chuckled Garrus. "I certainly learned a few useful things from you."

Something flickered over Shepard's face as she looked at him, but it was gone too fast for him to recognize it. Then she was looking away, staring at the data pad in her hand. With a quiet sigh, she tossed it onto the rejection pile.

"Who was that?"

"Jack. No offence to the girl, but I think one psycho on the team is more than enough."

"You're not _that_ bad," chuckled Garrus.

Elrika looked at him archly. "I was talking about _you_."

Once again they shared easy laughter and Garrus handed her the next datapad.

"No." It hit the rejection pile.

"Why? We need biotics, especially if we encounter any strong barrers. Samara is an _ancient_ asari. Powerful. It'd be like have Benezia on _our_ side, and you know how hard she hit."

Elrika slanted him a glance over her shoulder. "Do you _really_ think it's a good idea having an asari _justicar_ – who has flatly told me that if I make her do anything too dishonourable she'll be compelled to kill me once her oath expires, I must add – on a team with _me_?" She pointed at herself with one hand to emphasise her words.

"Mmm…" Garrus tipped his drink towards her. "Very true. A no it is."

"Besides, we still killed Benezia. So Samara isn't unkillable, either." Elrika leaned forward and picked up Jacob's data pad and dropped it onto the rejection pile. "And Jacob is out."

"What, why?"

"The only reason I trust him is because he _distrusts_ Cerberus. Although that is a very admirable aspect, one that wins a lot of kudos points with me, it's not enough to want me to have him at my back in a firefight."

"He's a good soldier. He seems to know how to handle himself."

"Exactly. He's a _soldier_," said Shepard. "He has morals and ethics and that annoying habit soldiers have to 'follow rank'." Garrus lifted his brows in amusement as she made quotation marks with those last words. "I don't need a soldier. I need a killer capable of doing things that he might not want to do, capable of taking orders. I need someone non-judgemental and unbiased."

Garrus turned a flat turian expression to her. "… You've already chosen."

Elrika tipped her head and looked away from him, scratching the underside of her chin nonchalantly. "Thane."

Garrus snorted mockingly and lifted one claw from his drink to point at her. "You just want him because you think he look good in that black getup."

"That's not the reason!" She paused. "Granted his pants are _very_ tight and he has a _nice_ ass… but that's not the _only_ reason."

"Oh?" Garrus laughed at her. "What other reasons?"

"Shh. I'm making them up." Her grin made him laugh and he shook his head, picking up Thane's profile. The drell would be useful. He seemed to have few moral compunctions that would clash with Shepard's, and he seemed dedicated to following through with his oath to serve her.

"We still have Tali, you know." He picked up the dossier on Tali, who was off on Haestrom, showing it to Elrika like she might have forgotten. "We're heading there, next, aren't we?" When Elrika didn't answer, he cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. "What is it?"

She sighed and fiddled with Thane's file. "I don't think I'm going to ask her."

"What? Why?"

Elrika grimaced and picked up her beer, sinking back into the upholstery of the couch. "She's just a kid, Garrus. A promising kid with her Flotilla to think of. What right do I have to ask her to come on a suicide mission with me? She can take care of herself, sure, but I have the feeling that I'm just going to get her killed."

Seeing Garrus staring at her, she sighed and put her hand to her head. "Besides, she brings nothing to the battle that we don't already have. Tali's proficiency is tech, and you have that covered. And she lacks the ruthless streak I need. This isn't a mission for soft touches, Garrus, and I'm scared that if I bring her along, I'm going to distort her. She's… innocent." Shepard shrugged.

"Tali would follow you to hell, Elrika," said Garrus. "Happily. She might not be a fighter like you, but that doesn't mean she's not ready to die for a cause. She's a friend, and she's loyal to you. And you know we won't find anyone who's better with tech than her. Perhaps not in battle, but she would be invaluable with upgrading the ship."

"She's a damn kid, Garrus."

"What does her age matter?"

"Dammit, I felt bad when she was being shot at by the geth." Elrika got to her feet, pacing away from him as she dropped Thane's file onto the table. "On her Pilgrimage, she felt she had to prove something. Now she has. I should just… leave her there. Where she's safe."

"She doesn't need to be protected, Elrika. She has a right to fight if she wants to. If she doesn't want to come, she won't."

Elrika propped her forearm on the fish tank, staring at the empty water. "She's not even a soldier. She's just a damn kid."

Garrus narrowed his eyes, wondering why she kept bringing that up. "You were twenty-two when you became the hero of Elysium, Shepard. Tali's older than that, now." When Elrika didn't answer, Garrus didn't bother pointing out her double standards further. Elrika was a blatant hypocrite and she knew it. "You asked _me_ and you don't seem to be upset. So why not Tali?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" She looked back at him and stepped away from the fish tank. "You were with C-Sec. And you decided to shoot the shit through Omega. You're already a fighter."

Garrus blinked, realizing she didn't know. "You know Tali's only three years younger than me, right?"

Elrika choked on the sip of beer she had been about to take. "What?"

"I'm twenty-seven." He gave a slight turian smile at her shock. "Palaven equivalent, of course."

"No _shit_?" she gasped. "I took a twenty-five-year-old turian out with me to fight against Saren?" She looked around, horrified. "How old was Wrex?"

"Old as dirt, don't worry. It balances it out."

"The bloody hell it does!"

"Elrika, are you really that bothered about my age?" he asked, scowling. "Need I remind you about Elysium again?"

"That's different."

"How?"

Elrika slammed her mouth closed, spun away, and then looked back at Garrus. "Because I'd already been fighting for ten years." She bumped her fist against the fish tank and swore. "And I'm a soldier. And a Spectre."

"If I had been chosen to be a Spectre, Elrika, I'd have been a six year veteran already. And I had seen my fair share of action. Turians begin military training at _sixteen_." Garrus was deliberately ignoring Elrika's revelation about having been fighting since she was twelve. Her rough background was common knowledge, but now was not the time to sate his curiosity about exactly _how_ rough it had been.

"I know. But… No. It's not about…" She scowled and put one hand on her head. "Shit."

"What? What is it?"

"Nothing," she said, rubbing her face. "I'm just pissed that I never even bothered to catch your age."

Garrus blinked. _That_ was the reason she was upset? "Don't worry about it. We had more pressing issues than, 'By the way, how old are you?' And, to be honest, I'm glad that I didn't tell you. I'd have been pissed if you didn't take me out because of my age."

Shepard put her hands on her hips and stared at the ground. "Goddamn."

"Elrika, would you _relax_? Come on. I'm not that young." She was starting to make him feel a little bad for telling her. Not because he thought she would pull him from the mission. She never would. But because she looked so torn up about it. When she didn't respond, he sighed and pushed himself to his feet. Walking up behind her, he put one hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently, "Elrika. I know what I'm doing. I do. I'm… beyond honoured that you think I'm your second in command. I'm beyond honoured that you're concerned about me. But you don't have to be. I promise."

She was silent for a long time, staring at nothing.

"I asked to come with you, Shepard," he said. "Back then. On the Citadel. And I came with you now knowing what was in store for us. I wasn't a kid then, and I'm not now."

"Thank Christ for small mercies," she muttered.

"But neither is Tali."

"Alright." She held up her hand. "Alright. You win. I'll go ask her. I will."

Garrus wasn't sure that was what he was arguing for, but he nodded, accepting the small victory. Against Elrika, they were rare.

"And the yummy drell will be on our team." She nodded as well, falling back into the Elrika he knew.

He laughed quietly, "I'll go tell him the good news. Assuming that I'm dismissed, Commander?"

"Unless you feel like hanging around, staring at my empty fish tank and getting a lot wasted with me." She saluted him with her beer as she plopped back down onto her couch.

"Thanks… but no thanks. Calibrations are difficult when inebriated."

"Ah. Yes. _Calibrations_. The other, other mistress. Try to avoid Miranda." Shepard saluted him with her beer. "She might kill you with the stink eye."

"I'll do my best." He stopped, before he looked over his shoulder, "Elrika. I… as flattered as I am about being your second in command… even if I wasn't, I would still be at your side. I promise." He dipped his head respectfully, "There is nowhere else I would want to be."

"Nowhere?" she smiled, harkening back to a much earlier conversation.

"Nowhere," he answered honestly. Drawing a breath, he then said, "My age isn't really an issue for you, is it?"

Elrika sighed and closed her eyes. "Not… in the way you think, Garrus. I know you're fully capable in battle. Don't worry about it."

"In what way, then?"

"Maybe I'll tell you some day," she said, staring at the fish tank. Just before Garrus turned away, she said quietly, "Garrus." He waited patiently, wondering if she was going to tell him why his age was an issue. "You're not allowed to die, alright?" She looked at him from the corner of her eye. "That's an order."

He tilted his head. "It's not exactly an ambition of mine, Shepard. If it was, I'd have been a much smaller pain in the ass for the mercs on Omega." He had wanted to bring a smile to her lips, but he failed, because her face just darkened. "Elrika. I know what I'm getting into. You don't have to protect me."

Her brows drew down. "We'll see."

Nothing else passed between them, so he turned to leave. When Elrika didn't want to tell you something, nothing in the galaxy could make her do so. He just contented himself with the knowledge that she would tell him eventually.

"Garrus."

He gave a mental sigh and looked over his shoulder. "Yeeeees, Elrika?"

When he looked at her, she was giving him that devil-may-care smile again. "I'm totally biased. I choose team mates based on how their ass looks in their gear, how broad their shoulders are and the fact-"

The door hissed closed behind Garrus and he shook his head as he headed to the elevator, but her words bothered him for some time to come. Not about his age, centrally, but about her scowl as she considered what he might need protecting from. He tried to think of Elrika in every way he knew her, tried to think of everything that had transpired.

She wasn't going to take him out of the team, so she wasn't afraid of him being hurt in battle. She knew he was capable. So…

Then his head came up. Her blasé words. Her concern about his age. Her reaction to her influence on Liara and on others in general.

Perhaps it wasn't that he was young, but young_er_. And perhaps it was not the enemy she felt he needed protecting from. Maybe the person Elrika Shepard wanted to protect Garrus Vakarian from… was Elrika Shepard.

**~}{~**


	5. As I Never Did Before

**Warning**: Angst.

Rewritten and proofed to read better

**Chapter Five:**

_As I Never Did Before_

**~}{~**

**Collector Base**

"I want you two behind me, to the back of the bubble. Samara, you're between me and them. I take point. No one goes past me." Shepard slammed a fresh thermal clip into her Revenant rifle, checking it over once before she turned her eyes to the rest of the group. "No one dies. That's an order."

"I don't think I'll be having a hard time obeying that one," murmured Jack as she strode past Garrus, heading towards the path that the rest of them would take.

Whereas previously Jack, Grunt and Garrus had cleared a path, now the entire remainder of the team would provide a distraction for Shepard as she, Thane, Legion and Samara went around the back.

He lingered behind as the others moved ahead, leaving Shepard and himself standing in the empty chamber just beyond where they had located the crew. She lifted her assault rifle and rested it against her shoulder, glancing over the other one at him.

"You ready for this?"

"No," he admitted, shaking his head with a laugh. "But when have I ever been ready?"

"C'mon," she smiled. "Just think of it as being the same as Ilos."

"We've had this discussion," he pointed one claw at her. "On Ilos, all we had was geth shooting at us. This is somewhat different. And we also had a large, heavily armoured vehicle. That shot bullets the size of my _head_."

"Yeah, well, we've up-scaled. We used to take on thresher maws in a mako, too. But then we progressed on from that. This'll be a walk in the park."

"A walk in a terrifying, insect-hive park on the edge of the _galactic core_ with a Reaper-possessed Prothean drone that wants to kill us," he nodded once, slowly.

"Want to, but won't," she smiled at him and picked up her helmet from the ground beside her, juggling it in her free hand to bring the hole towards her. "C'mon. We killed a Reaper before. Harbinger isn't even _here_. Just a lot of bu-"

He grabbed her arm and jerked her around before she could put the helmet on, jerking her against him and wrapping both arms tightly around her, one clawed hand cupping the back of her head, the other constricting her waist. She made a muffled sound against his chest, before her helmet and her rifle hit the ground and she hugged him just as tightly. Or at least he assumed it was tightly. Armour that could withstand missile blasts didn't tend to give well under hugs, but he heard the surface of their hardsuits creaking under the pressure.

He drew back sharply and brushed his face against either side of hers, a turian gesture of affection that she returned readily, her cheeks touching his mandibles. His head turned to put his lipless mouth against hers, lightly, so he inhaled the air she expelled, speaking with the shared breaths. "Spirits, I want to be going with you."

"You'll be in more danger than me," she whispered, her hands feathering over the back of his head, caressing the sensitive skin under his head fringe.

He closed his eyes and dipped his head forward, resting his forehead against hers. "I don't care. I don't care if I was facing a Reaper alone and you were heading back to the Normandy. I want to be with you."

She tightened her arms around him and he almost lifted her off the ground as he crushed her closer, "Ngh. You will be with me. You'd better be with me. If you don't make it through those doors, Garrus, I'll kill you myself."

He laughed, but it was a giddy, strained laugh. Without humour. "I believe you."

Slowly, reluctantly, he released her and she sat back on her heels. Her arms slid away from his neck to rest on his broad shoulders and his arms remained around her waist. He opened his mouth.

Her hand clamped over his mouth, stilling his words before they could form.

"No."

His eyes widened.

She dropped her hand and glared at him, picking up her helmet and her rifle.

"Don't ever fucking say those words to me as a goodbye, Garrus. I fucking mean it. Don't you ever." Then she turned and walked away, her boots punching the ground like angry fists. "This isn't a fucking goodbye."

His head dipped down and he canted his eyes up, watching her retreating back. Then he tossed his sniper rifle into his other hand and turned his head, lifting his chin to stare at the path his team would take. With one final glance in the direction Shepard had disappeared, he turned and headed after the fire team.

It wasn't a goodbye.

Then again, Death never really cared about goodbyes. It didn't care whether or not you said it, or meant it. It didn't care when the last time was that you held or beheld your loved ones. He had believed death to be indomitable, untouchable, undeniable. A one-way path. When Shepard had come back from the dead, his perception had been rocked. Until he realized the true extent of how undeniable death was. It truly was unstoppable.

Death left a mark on those it touched. Even those that cheated it. Even those that denied it. No one came away from death the same.

Not even Shepard.

**~}{~**

**Uncharted World, four months previously**

+_I wonder if I'm a zombie_.+

Garrus lifted his head from the scope of his rifle, blinking slowly. Turning his head, he stared past Thane, who had likewise looked up, to stare at Shepard. +...What?+

+_Well_,+ began Shepard in her tone of 'I am about to explain something obscurely human to you aliens'. Then again, it could be considered obscure by human standards, considering the bemused stares she had garnered from Miranda and Jacob every now and again. +_I was brought back from the dead, right?_+

+_I had noticed, yes_.+ Garrus followed a merc as he ran from cover to cover and clipped him in the head with a round. His shield sputtered and died and Thane finished him off. The three of them were sitting on a small outlook, making sport of the mercs as they tried to get into a good firing position.

It reminded Garrus of the time that he had sat in that apartment on Omega so long ago, or so it seemed. Back then he had been ready to die, tired and aching and hungry as all hell as a constant stream of mercs poured towards him. It would have been easier to give up, to just lie down and die, but Garrus had never been one for surrender. So he'd fight until either the mercs got him or his stomach digested his body in defiance for being neglected.

Until Shepard had arrived, back from the dead like every dramatic tale out there, to save his life and give him a new purpose. So, yes, he had noticed her coming back, and he had also noticed that she hadn't changed a bit.

+_I am sure you are aware that humans have this concept of a soul_.+ She sniped someone even as she was talking, sending him spinning off to one side and collapsing face down in a pool of his own blood. +_Heh heh... Anyway. So when you die, the soul goes... well. Somewhere else. Heaven. Or hell, God knows I've been a bad, bad girl sometimes_.+

+_I know of your human religions, Shepard. I think you need to believe in something like that for it to take effect,_+ murmured Thane in Garrus' ear.

+_Maybe. I don't know. But not important. So I died, and my soul left. But then Cerberus brought me back. And maybe they brought my body back. Okay, they really did bring my body back. Bravo, Cerberus. Way to go. But what if they didn't bring my soul? Do they have soul-retrieval technology_?+ She voiced it like an actual question. +_I don't think so? So maybe I'm just a body walking around without a soul_.+ For such a grave train of thought, she seemed blithely unbothered by her soullessness. +_Maybe my soul has already been reborn in another body. And me, souly me, is living another life as a screaming, pooping baby turian or something. Maybe the me here is a soulless zombie. Maybe I'm a soul-sucking zombie_!+

+_Why a turian? Are souls species interchangeable_?+

+_Reincarnation means I can come back as a cockroach. I don't see why being a turian is any different_.+

+_To being a cockroach_?+ The indignation in Garrus' voice was pure play.

+I have noticed a distinct lack of soul-sucking, Shepard,+ Thane wasn't bothering to hide his laughter, now, long since used to them, Garrus knew.

His and Elrika's friendship was one fraught with mockery and humour. Mostly at each other's expense. The two of them had been through so much together, spirits reaching out and touching one another. They shared tragedy and pain, camaraderie and trust. But the fact that they could find a way to laugh together under heavy fire and facing impossible circumstances showed the true depths of their friendship.

Or maybe that they were both equally twisted.

+_But maybe that's why I kill people_.+ Shepard made it sound utterly reasonable. Of course it might be the reason she killed people, aside from the fact that they were trying to kill her. +_Maybe I eat their souls like some evil monster thing and that's how I live. After shooting them_.+

+_You do shoot an awful lot of people… buuut I think Cerberus does enough of that. The soul-sucking, I mean_,+ murmured Garrus.

+_Then maybe Cerberus is feeding me souls_.+ A gasp of shock rang through their communication units. +_That's how they brought me back! Evil ritual sacrificing and soul-sucking! Those sons of bitches_!+ Once again, she was entirely unbothered, her alarm merely playful. +..._I wonder what would happen if I waved a cross at Mirand_a…+

Thane and Garrus were startled into laughter, as they usually were, and Elrika joined them as they took down the last few mercs.

+_That's terrible, Shepard_,+ Garrus struggled to get his laughter under control.

+_You laughed_.+

Shepard braced her sniper rifle on the rock under her and pushed herself to her feet, stepping down from her vantage point and dropping with a solid thud of her boots on the grass. The planet was beautiful, with rolling green hills and crystal blue-violet water. But it had a higher concentration of certain gasses that meant none of the three could comfortably breathe it for very long. Not and hope to remain conscious. So as a concession to the need to breathe when investigating Suspicious Merc Facility No. 67, they had donned their helmets. Not that Shepard needed an excuse, she was mightily fond if her Death Mask, which she had been overjoyed to find on Tuchanka. +_So, yeah, what if I'm a soul-sucking zombie? A soulless revenant from beyond the grave. With no soul. Thus, soulless_.+

+_You can't see my face right now, but I'm staring at you, Shepard_,+ Garrus's helmet was directed at Shepard's as he spoke. +_My expression is very, very flat_.+

+_Liar. I can hear the laughter in your voice. I'm funny. Thane, aren't I funny_?+

+_Hilarious, Shepard_.+

+_He's biased_.+

+_Bias is the way of life. Find me an unbiased person, Garrus. I dare ya_.+ Her sniper rifle obediently compacted and she slammed it into the gun clasp on her back. The docking clamp on her massive Revenant assault rifle released and she swung it over her shoulder, feeling the weight of it as it decompressed to its full size. +… _The symbolism here is not lost on me_.+

+_How did you save the galaxy again? I forget_.+

+_Stylishly_.+

+_Only because I was there_!+

+_Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that, Vakarian_.+

**~}{~**

+_Does stealing from thieves mean it's still stealing_? _I prefer to think of it as liberating. For me. Which is a good cause._+ Shepard turned from transferring the last of their salvaged credits to the _Normandy_. +_Anyway. I've been thinking._+

+_Uh oh_,+ commented Thane as they stepped out of the merc facility and into the open walkway.

Garrus gave a playful groan, +_Is it the zombie thing again_?+

+_I am still unsure as to what a zombie is_.+

Shepard paused to nudge a body and make sure it was dead, +_It's this thing... a person. That died. And comes back from the dead. But not as a person. They're a zombie. And they eat brains. And raw flesh._+

+_More things I have noticed a distinct lack of, Shepard_.+

+_But that's the genius of the Cerberus sacrifices, Thane, don't you see_?+ She pointed at Thane like she had made some breakthrough discovery. +_No flesh. No brains. No evidence._+

+_Why brains, I must ask,_+ interrupted Garrus.

+_Don't question the logic_!+

+_What _logic?+

+_Human mythology baffles me._+

+Shepard_ baffles me_.+

+_I like to keep people on their toes_.+

A gunship flew over their heads, making all three of them look up.

Garrus pointed with a claw, +_That... will keep me on my toes_...+

Shepard watched as it swung around, +_I feel… like I should be behind cover_.+

Garrus, Thane and Shepard dove sideways as the gunship opened fire.

+_I'm having traumatic flashbacks_!+ Garrus rolled to a stop behind a crate, shielding his head with one arm. +_It's terrible. Shepard. Protect me_.+

+_Yes, my six-foot-tall-turian clad in heavy turian armour._+ Shepard unclipped her missile launcher and checked the amount of rounds she had. +_The short human and the drell in nothing but delicious leather shall protect you_.+

+…_Delicious leather?_+

+_Don't ask._+

+_Oh, do ask, Thane. Do_.+

**~}{~**

"I still do not see why _I_ had to be the bait. I am the least armoured one out of all of us."

"But your acrobatics make me feel all warm and tingly inside."

Thane's head turned slowly and he stared at Shepard with his fathomless eyes, the irises and pupils lost to the dark interior of the _Hammerhead_. Shepard was smiling at him, but it was a darkly humoured smile. Garrus just closed his eyes and shook his head from where he sat beside her. Shepard was an unrepentant flirt, but it was all obvious flirtation. Thane had taken some time to get used to her comments, but Garrus had calmly informed him that everyone took time to get used to Shepard.

First when they didn't know her, she was cold, cunning and calculating and the depth of her potential ruthlessness could stun even hardened war veterans. But when she trusted people and showed them her 'darker' side, with her black humour, sarcasm and flirtation that often made her 'friends' stare with gaping mouths, it unleashed a whole new level of Elrika that people had to get used to all over again. Garrus had long since grown accustomed to Shepard and was one of the few people who would be 'in' on her jokes.

Thane was almost at that stage, but he would never have the same sort of humour that Shepard did, but Shepard was a unique person.

She was not, not never had been, a kind woman by any stretch. She was a soldier that would get the job done to the best of her ability, and everyone had better get the hell out of her way. Capable of mercy and compassion, but she had a keen eye for cruel necessities and was rarely hung up on moral qualms and consequences. She would protect and serve those she felt deserved it, but woe unto those that she felt didn't.

But then there was that other side to her.

Her dark sense of humour and her ability to find almost anything amusing meant Shepard was actually a relatively funny person if one could handle her brand of wit. She wasn't as outrageous as Joker, of course, but she had her moments. It wasn't a facade, either. Despite the fact that she could be relatively brutal, it was like she could find something funny in every situation, no matter how dire. Like nothing really bothered her.

She was always in control. Always. Even when situations were heading dramatically downhill, like when the Illusive Man had deceived them and sent them to a not-so-disabled Collector vessel full of still-living Collectors.

The woman was just... unflappable.

Except for very specific circumstances. Most especially betrayal that put her team at risk. Anyone might think she was naive to trust as readily as she did. They rarely saw how quickly she shot someone that turned on her. How decisively. Shepard might be a soldier through and through, but when it came to vengeance she was a master at delivery.

When she was betrayed, she showed a temper that Garrus was sure few were expecting. She didn't rage as many expected. She did not shout. She never shouted. She just got colder and colder. An icy tundra that put Noveria's most biting blizzards to shame. It was with that coldness that she dispensed her vengeance, her punishment. Brutally and without compromise. He had seen it, once or twice, and he had no desire to have it ever turned on him.

Thankfully it never had been.

Garrus glanced at Shepard as she stretched her feet out before her, crossing them over at her ankles. She was still giving Thane a shit-eating grin and he was simply staring flatly at her.

Anyone that had gone through what she did would have come out morbid, or dark, or perhaps with some sort of retrospective opinion on their life. Shepard had a morbid sense of humour going in to it all, and the only retrospective opinion she had on her life was that it had ended rather unspectacularly. It seemed her ordeal with death hadn't changed her one bit. She was still the cold ruthless woman that she had been before it, no more and no less.

She was still the same Shepard.

Garrus shook his head and shifted his weight, looking out the window as they settled down in the _Normandy_.

He was not the same.

They disembarked from the _Hammerhead_, Garrus working his neck in his armour and the three of them trudged exhaustedly towards the elevator, making idle conversation with one another. When the door opened to the main crew deck, Thane turned to Shepard, making Garrus glance back as he went to exit the elevator.

"Shepard."

"Yes, my delicious drell?"

"I have a… favour I would ask of you. In private?" Elrika's brows winged up and she grinned, but before she could speak Thane merely shook his head. "Please, Shepard."

She lost her smile and eyed him. Then she nodded and tossed her helmet from hand to hand, "Let me peel this off and I'll meet you in Life Support, alright?"

Thane clipped a sharp bow and turned, striding toward the area of the ship in question.

Shepard gave an exaggerated shiver and winked at Garrus as the door closed behind Thane, "He's so _spiffy_."

Garrus rolled his eyes upwards, shaking his head.

"Oh come on, Garrus." She tapped his stomach with the back of her knuckles. "Bow to me. Let's see how sexy you look at it."

"Turians do not bow, it is not a part of our custom."

"It's easy. Just bend at the waist," she stepped back, snapped her heels together and demonstrated.

Garrus sighed and stepped away from her. Putting one fist over his chest and the other at the small of his back, as she had, he bowed and the waist to her. When he lifted his head, Elrika was eyeing him with something sparking in her feline-like green eyes. A slow smile crept over her face and Garrus thought, for a moment, that she would say something.

Instead, she merely hit the panel behind her, causing the elevator doors to close. Just before they cut her off, she threw him a wink.

Garrus shook his head, closing his eyes.

She hadn't changed a bit.

**~}{~**

Garrus hit Shepard's room at a jog, stepping through the doorway when the panels had cleared just enough for him to pass, "Elr…ika..?"

She stood with her back to the divider between her bedroom and the upper level, her head resting against the glass as she stared at her collection of ships. At his voice, she pushed off and situated her weight onto her feet, glancing over her shoulder.

"Garrus?"

"You alright?"

"Yeah," she said slowly, as if she was testing out the answer. "Yeah. I am." She turned away from him and walked down the steps to her desk, picking up a data pad. "We're heading for the Citadel."

"Why? Is it about what Thane wanted?"

"Yes," she nodded once, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, she examined the data pad in her hand like it was telling her something vital for the mission. "He asked me for a favour for his son."

"His son?" Garrus stepped up behind her, watching as she tipped the data pad down and let it fall to the desk.

"Turns out everyone has family issues," Shepard turned to look at him and rested her backside against the desk behind her. "Everyone. Samara has some deal with her daughter, there was Miranda with her kid sister, Jacob with his dad. Now Thane and his son. If someone comes at me with a brother or a mother, we can have a full hand. Royal flush. Read 'em and weep." She lifted one arm in a broad gesture, smiling gently. "Tell me Garrus, Do I look like Kelly?"

"Uh… No?"

"Really?" she tilted her head. "Are you sure?"

"Well… the eyes are the s… I feel like I'm missing something."

"I just want to know at what point everyone started thinking that I _gave a shit_ about their problems." She sat down in the chair and crossed one leg over the other, resting her head in her hand.

"You don't mean that, Shepard."

"Don't I?" she turned and looked at him, her face a mask of frustration. "What do they expect from all of this, Garrus? These last things? What do they think they'll achieve?"

Garrus tipped his head down, scowling faintly, "They're following you to death, Shepard. And they just… want to go to death without regrets."

"I know that," she said, sighing. "I'm not… saying I won't do it. God knows I've done more dangerous things for my team. But…"

"But?"

"I just don't know what they expect to achieve." She rose to her feet, brushing past him close enough that he felt the warmth of her body as she crossed back to the fish tank, staring at the empty water once more.

"I helped Miranda with her sister. I may never have known blood relatives, but I get the deal with family. Even a stone-cold bitch like Miranda and a hardass like me gets family. So I helped her. And I thought that might, you know, make her more agreeable. Turns out her panties are still full of sand."

"Shepard…!" Garrus was aghast.

Ignoring him, she splayed her palm over the glass, exhaling, "And then Jack comes at me with her 'I'm off the fucking rails' shit, wanting to put a crater in a planet because she can't get over what happened to her there. Like blowing it up would help." Shepard lifted her hand from the glass and tapped her head. "If she can't get it together up here, she's never going to get it together. That place has been abandoned for years. Turning it into a pile of molten slag won't change anything."

She shook her head and closed her eyes, sighing, "Jacob's has-been-missing-for-ten-years father has suddenly popped back up and he wants me to go sailing over so we can find out what the fuck's been happening with him. I don't get it, if he closed all those doors and locked those locks all those years ago, why does it bother him now? And what would happen if we went there, perhaps finding it was nothing. I know he actually hopes for something, closure he didn't know he needed, but what if finding out is worse than wondering?"

Elrika turned towards Garrus, staring him in the eye, "Apparently Samara's daughter is a demon to the asari race that is genetically predisposed to kill everyone she comes across, and she wants me to help her kill her. Because _that's_ the recipe for a healthy mentality. A mother wants to kill her daughter. I've seen so many weeping mothers when they're told their sons and daughters have died in service. And Samara wants to kill her child because it'll… absolve _her_ of guilt. Her child doesn't even factor. She was just _born_."

Shepard shoved off and turned to stare at Garrus, expression flat. "And now Thane's got a son that's apparently about to lose his soul or some drell equivalent, which strangely seems to me like he's going to be a chip off the old assassin block. Shouldn't Thane be proud of his son? And what right do we have to stop Kolyat – his kid – from walking down the path that his dad did? Maybe he _wants_ to do it. And is the only reason Thane is trying to stop him is because he feels guilty? Is that any right to intervene in his son's life?"

Garrus stared in silence at Shepard as she spoke, his mouth open slightly, but no words came to his mind. He could only stare at Elrika as she revealed a depth of thought he had never before attributed to her. He had never thought she was shallow, not at all, but he never thought she considered such things. She was a woman that did things, and dealt with the consequences when they came at her. She owned her decisions.

Did she always think of all those angles before she undertook anything? He had known she would always consider the outcomes, but he had never really noticed if she thought of the reasons.

Or had it… only come after…

His heart ached painfully, as it always did when he considered her death. Placing one hand over his chest, he continued to watch her as she traced patterns in the fog she breathed on the glass tank.

"I'm going to do it, of course," she spoke like she was answering a question he had asked. "I wouldn't not. It's not that hard, what they're asking. It adds time that we would have consumed anyway, upgrading the ship. After all… I'm asking them to potentially die for me. What's a couple of favours beforehand? And it's not like they've been holding it all this time. Everything they've asked of me has just come up, so I can't really blame anyone except bad timing. Like Fate's sitting back and throwing curveballs at me. 'Is this the most inconvenient time? Yes? Excellent!'."

Elrika turned away from him and stepped down into her bedroom, lowering herself to sit on her bed. Folding her hands between her knees, she stared at the floor as he moved to the stairs, watching her uncertainly.

"I'm just worried for them, Garrus."

"Worried?"

She closed her eyes, "When the chips are down… when… when you're drawing those final breaths, or watching your blood spill out, or staring down the barrel of the gun, it's always the same. Always. There's an old saying that you see your life flash before your eyes in an instant, so you can see everything you've done. But… but that's not true. I mean, it happens…" She trailed off, her eyes darkening with pain.

Garrus almost walked to her, wanting to take her in his arms, to remove that pain from her gaze, but he found himself held immobile, waiting for her next words.

"The reason you see your life flash before your eyes… or maybe it's not the _reason_, but it's what you take from it…" Elrika closed her eyes. "What you see clearest is what you _haven't_ done. Not what you did wrong, but the things that are _missing_. The opportunities missed. The… the bits that aren't there. They stand out so starkly…" She went silent again, gathering her thoughts, and Garrus could only watch.

"I know they want to die without regrets. To go into the jaws of death and not have to… look back and see something they missed. Something they should have done. But…" She lowered her head and put her skull in her hands, fingers dragging through her hair.

"But it doesn't matter what you do in life, Garrus," she whispered into her chest. "You always die with regrets. I'm talking from experience, here. It doesn't matter how well you live. It doesn't matter if you do everything you ever wanted to do. You always… always have regrets."

Garrus wanted to ask. He did. He desperately wanted to ask, but he couldn't find the courage to speak. Couldn't find the breath past the tightness in his chest. To see Elrika so… just to see her like that was… staggering to him. She seemed so strong. So untouchable. A warrior without equal.

The silence stretched between them and she didn't seem inclined to move, or speak. He thought, perhaps, that she had forgotten he was even there.

Finally, he forced the words out.

"What… did you regret?"

She spoke immediately, as if she had been waiting for him to ask.

"Nothing like what they regret. It wasn't anything I could fix. Not really. I don't know who my parents are, and I don't really care to find out. I have no siblings, that I know of, and it wouldn't change anything if I did find out I had one. Kaiden's dead, so there's… really nothing I can do about _that_. I didn't think on it, either." She laughed quietly, bitterly, and without humour.

"I've never been tempted to say no, you know. I've never been tempted to tell them to go fuck themselves, and refuse to do it because I didn't want to. All of it. Saren. The Collectors. It never really occurred to me that I… I could say no. I mean, I'd die laughing if the Reapers rode in and the Council burned. But that's just me, you know?" She shrugged. "I'd just appreciate the black humour of it all even as I died."

She laced her fingers between her knees again, "It was never about divine providence, or destiny, or fate. I was… am… a soldier. Fighting is all I know. I live and breathe combat. A Reaper? It's an enemy. Saren? An enemy? The Collectors? An enemy army. Bring it on. Put a gun in my hand and let me face the apocalypse and I'll happily die." She sat back and looked up at him, "I never deluded myself into thinking that I was the only one that could do it. Cerberus thinks so, sure. Maybe others do, as well. But… but I could be just a soulless vessel, an icon, an image. Not a person. I could be anyone, really. I could have been anyone, at that place, at that time. Eden Prime. The Beacon. Anyone. It just happened to be me. And it was a fight, and a fight I understand. But…"

Her eyes grew distant and the distress that entered them made him take an involuntary step forward, "The only thing I could think of…" She rose to her feet sharply, making him jerk back. "When I watched my air vent out of my suit… watched the _Normandy_ burn. Watched the planet spin past… All I could think was… _Not like this_." She clenched her fist. "Not like this, dammit. Not like this! Put a gun in my hand. Torture me. Rip me apart. Kill me. But not… not _spaced_, dammit." She walked to the fish tank and brought up her fist. "But I couldn't fight back. I couldn't do anything! I couldn't…" She slammed her fist into the glass. "I just had to watch it happen!"

"Shepard."

His hands were on her shoulders before he knew it and he was drawing her away from the glass.

"There are always regrets," she said. "Always. I was scared, too, Garrus. I knew I'd be replaced if need be. I wasn't scared that no one would do it. Someone would. I knew that someone else would take up the mantle." She put her hand on his chest. "I was just scared they'd fail, and everyone would die. I was scared they'd fail and the Reapers would come and you… you would die…" She rested her head against his chest.

Garrus lifted one hand and clasped the back of her head, his other arm winding around her shoulders.

"Commander," he said quietly. "I am going to have to disagree with you."

She twitched slightly, what might have been a short laugh or a sob wracking her body.

"I don't think just anyone can do it. I don't think just anyone can defeat the Reapers. I don't think just anyone can save the universe. Maybe someone else could have been in that place, but they weren't. You were, and you took up the responsibility without question." He swept one hand down her back, dipping his chin. "Not anyone could face a Reaper with such determination. You're right, you saw the Reaper as an enemy when everyone else saw it as something terrible, mystical or impossible. You just saw it as something that needed to be destroyed, and not just anyone can do that." He dipped his chin a little further and inhaled the scent of her hair. "And that is something wholly and utterly Elrika Shepard."

He smiled faintly, "Not just anyone could inspire a group of cut-throats, killers, mercenaries, assassins and a baby krogan to join up behind her and sail into certain death." His arm tightened around her. "You might not think you're anything special, Shepard, but we… I… _I_ damn sure do. I know you are… something more than anything I could imagine one person being."

"Maybe that's why the others came to you because they thought they could die without regrets. Maybe they didn't think you could fix everything. But maybe… maybe they came to you with their problems because they hoped you would understand their desire to die with as few regrets as possible. To die fighting at your side would be something anyone would be honoured to do. But to have some of their burdens lifted by you… is something of which only those that know you could understand the true value."

She moved back and away from him slowly, looking up at him.

"I don't know what Cerberus did to bring you back, Shepard," he said honestly. "I won't try to understand. But it is you. Soul and spirit and all. I know you. You cannot be imitated. You cannot be falsified or faked. Only someone as wholly fantastic as you could ever hope to match you. And, I am afraid, you are one of a kind. And that is why they brought you back, and didn't find a replacement. Because no one else can do what you do, simply because no one else could ever match you."

There was a pause.

"That was the biggest load of bullshit ever." But there was a gentle, grateful smile on her face, and he returned it with one of his own, his mandibles twitching lightly.

"Well, I am known for my ora-"

Garrus froze when a hand touched the undamaged side of his face, her soft, soft fingers finding the skin between the plates of his head. His entire being focused on those tiny points of sensation. Everything ceased to exist beyond her touch.

"Thank you," she whispered. "For… for listening. For…" She closed her eyes. "For everything, Garrus. Thank you."

_Any time_ his heart cried. _Any time you need me. Any time you need anyone. Please come to me, Shepard. Lean on me_.

A younger Garrus might never have said those words. Hell, a Garrus of thirty minutes ago might never have said the words. But he wasn't that Garrus anymore.

"You…" he cleared his throat. "She… Elrika… I know how strong you are. You are a powerful, inspiring person. Now _I'm_ talking from personal experience. But you… you have shown me that you are also deep, and full of wisdom and insightfulness that I never before realized. I thought I would be honoured to fight and die beside you. But nothing equals the honour of having you lean on me."

Shepard looked up at him, her green eyes cast in a blue light by the fish tank, deepening their colour.

Garrus fought to breathe as turian instinct welled up inside of him, catching him by surprise. Turian females were smaller, slighter and faster than the males. Their armour plating was the same, due to it being a survival feature rather than one for attraction, but they were the life-givers, the mothers of their kind. They were to be protected and cared for.

Asari were monogendered, they did not register as 'female' in turian psyche. They simply were the only kind their race could produce.

Krogan females were every bit as tough as the males and saying otherwise would likely get your head caved in.

But never before had Garrus compared human females to turian females. They were smaller than their males, but though most of them more inclined to clerical or administration duties, they still seemed to share the role of fighter. As a turian, seeing a human female warrior was the same as seeing a human male warrior.

But just like turian females could be warriors, they still had a level of instinctive care that the turian males felt for them. They could be treated as equals on the field of battle, but off of it… It was different. Now, with Shepard before him, exposing a vulnerability that she had never shown anyone else, every turian male instinct to protect her reared up with an aggressiveness that he had never before experienced.

He found that he wanted to protect her. Not in battle, of course. In battle, she was his commander, his leader, his dominant. She was above him in battle and he was content to be her subordinate. No, not subordinate. She was his leader, and he took orders from her, but they were still equals because they both acknowledged the appropriateness of the other's roles. Simple as that.

But there, framed in the blue light of her fish tank, he found himself wanting to gather her close and protect her from everything that didn't have anything to do with combat. He couldn't protect her from the Reapers, or from the Collectors, or from the Geth, all of whom were enemies she willingly engaged. But he wanted to provide a nest. A safe place for her to return to and hide from everything when she was done with fighting. A place where he could care for her and ease the burdens from her shoulders.

More than that, he wanted to be the only one to provide that for Elrika Shepard.

And he knew he never could be.

She smiled up at him, "Thanks, Garrus. It's… good to know that I have someone like that at my back."

_Forever_, he promised silently. "This time, if you die, I'm going with you."

It wasn't until her eyes widened that he realized he had spoken the words aloud. He stiffened with mortification, dreading that she would shove him away. But then her face softened and even saddened.

"I'm so selfish," she murmured. "Because dying beside you… wouldn't be so bad."

Garrus was nearly driven to his knees, but it was nothing compared to what came next.

"But I don't want to die…" She tilted her head. "I don't want to die, Garrus, and I'm not going to let you die, either." She smiled. "Which means the Collectors are screwed."

Garrus' head reeled as he wondered at what she was saying. Before he could stop himself, he was splaying one claw against her back, pulling her closer, and she was going willingly. Her lashes lowered over her eyes and he wondered, vaguely, if this was the part where human males would touch lips to human females.

But the moment stretched too long, stretched too far into silence, and her lips tilted upwards into a tiny smile. It was done and over with before he could figure out what to do.

He drew back, "I should get back to the Main Battery. I've got some calibrations to do for the new guns. They're not at optimal performance yet, and I want to make sure that we can shoot back if we ever get sent into another trap consisting of a giant flying bug hive."

Shepard laughed quietly, "A sentiment I can fully understand." She drew away from him, widening the gap and leaving him wanting to howl at the loss. "I need to finish a few things before I hit the sack. I've been putting off the Council, but I don't think I'll be able to avoid them when I waltz onto the Citadel and announce I'm still alive."

Garrus wanted to beat his head against the fish tank in frustration. Instead he moved behind her, "Lets… just hope they appear before you in a hologram, Elrika. I'm always afraid you'll go for the throat whenever they piss you off."

When she laughed and turned, there was something in them. Something he had never noticed before. Something vast and empty, something that yawned behind her eyes like a cavernous nothingness.

But as he watched… that nothingness got a little bit smaller. And was filled with something.

"Thank you for… what you said."

"I didn't explain it very well," he chided, putting his claws to his chin and rubbing thoughtfully. "Perhaps I should have flattered you more. Telling you how outstandingly brilliant you are. And a crack shot. And about how only you could be so _mean_."

"I am not mean," she protested half-heartedly.

"Are," he returned. "A mean person."

"You're just soft."

"Like a hanar's belly."

She pursed her lips around a smile, "That's funny, considering you're encased in metal."

"Metaphorical analogy has nothing to do with fact," he countered, pointing at her, and the two of them laughed quietly.

Shaking his head, he stepped around her, moving to the door. "Good evening, Commander."

"Oh."

He turned away from the door and to her, "Mm?"

"You came here for a reason, didn't you, Garrus? I'm so sorry…" She put her hand to her head. "I got distracted with my angst…"

"No, no, it's alright," he laughed. "It can wait."

"Are you sure?" her brow furrowed.

"Absolutely," he nodded as he walked backwards out of her room. "What's important is that you're alright."

"I always am, after I've spoken to you," she said, just as the door closed.

Garrus stood there for a time, taking in those words. Then he stepped into the elevator and sent it down to the crew deck. As it descended, he fired up his omnitool and looked at the email that had been sent from one of his contacts. His best lead in months on where Sidonis might be hiding, or at least who might know it.

A man named Fade

His claw lifted and hovered over the 'delete' function. He recalled Shepard's face as she spoke. Her words about regrets.

About living.

He hit 'save' and closed his omnitool.

Maybe after they got back…

**~}{~**


	6. A Bittersweet Taste on My Tongue

_**Warning**__: Some liberties taken with the storyline. This, of course, is different to how it happens in the game_._ Oh, and potty mouths galore_.

**Last edit: **17/11/11

**Chapter Six:**

_A Bittersweet Taste on My Tongue_

**~}{~**

**Collector Base**

"Perfect!"

Collectors hit the ground in an unending wave of slaughter, but there were always more to replace them. Even though there was no time to savour a good kill, there was always time to give a word of encouragement to the males and females around him, facing down almost certain death without flinching.

There was more to being a leader than simply giving orders. Flagging morale could kill just as easily as an enemy.

+_You know something, Garrus_?_ We should be keeping score._+

He snorted into his commlink as he dropped two more Collectors and slid into cover, waiting for the others to catch up, "You would lie."

There was a pause, before she laughed in his ear, +_I totally wou- Holy crap_!+ There was a grunt of pain and the sound of gunfire transferred through the comm.

His heart leaped into his throat, "Elrika!"

+_Can't talk. Killing giant blue thingie_.+

Even though concern rode him hard, he stepped out of cover when there was a lull in the firing. A concussive round blew a Collector off a walkway as he advanced, fire bursting over his shoulders as the others covered him. He dropped to one knee and kept firing as Tali caught up to him, her shotgun speaking twice before she dropped down to eject her steaming thermal clip.

"She'll be alright, Garrus," said the quarian. "She always is."

Garrus locked his jaw, shaking his head. Tali should know better than to say that. Shepard had proven that she wasn't always alright.

She had proven to them all that death claimed her just as it did anyone else.

"How's it looking?"

+_The only thing keeping my Claymore from melting in my hands is spit_,+ said Grunt.

+_The door isn't far, Vakarian_.+

+_Cheerleader's right, but there's absolutely no cover in front of it. When we reach that door, we want to be going through it very quickly._+

He leaned up, scanning the Collectors that were trying to get into position. He got off a few shots to keep them moving. An unspeakably loud shotgun went off to one side and Grunt strode into their cover, his kinetic shield blossoming to life as he finished his thermal clip off and knelt down. The krogan accepted an offered thermal clip from the squad leader.

"We definitely have them distracted, but if we sit here for too long that will change."

He nodded in acknowledgement to Grunt's words, "Alright. Tali, when Grunt and I step out, send out your combat drone. Jack, hit them with a biotic blast and Grunt and I will pick off whoever is left standing. We'll make our way to the doors."

+_Garrus, if Shepard isn't there, we're going to be very, very exposed_.+

"I know, Miranda, but we don't have a choice. We have to keep the pressure on us."

Miranda swore as she and Jack dropped into cover with them. He looked at each of them, at their exhausted, strained faces where not an ounce of fear showed. Even though he couldn't see Tali's face, he knew her body language well enough to know that she was prepared to go as far as she needed.

His assault rifle unfolded in his hands and he rested it against his shoulder. Someone spoke his name and he accepted the machine pistol that was thrust at him, not seeing who it came from. With a weapon in each hand, he edged toward the end of their cover, the only thing keeping them all from death.

The confidence he had in battle, in leadership, he owed to Elrika. She might quietly despair that she had turned him into a version of her, a killer, but that wasn't true. Of course she had changed him, but it was a growth, a development from an idealistic child to a grown male that could make his female proud.

But it had been a gradual thing. First he had had to shed the idea that he could save the universe, not because he couldn't do it, but because he shouldn't. It was not his place to play the white knight for the galaxy. It just wasn't. Shepard had shown him the hard truths, the grit of the universe. The ugliness of it.

When she had died, he had become consumed with that ugliness, until it was all he could see. The hideousness of it. He hadn't wanted to white knight the universe. He wanted to punish it. To deliver judgement to the guilty and protect the innocent. Again he had been mistaken.

Again she had shown him the truth, even though he didn't want to see. Only Elrika could show him how things really were, because she was the only one he would listen to.

Because she was the only one who would take the time to teach him. Teach him what it was like to be a leader. What it was like to be a commander.

What came with real responsibility. Like leading people into what might be their deaths.

Or saving them from threats they did not even see.

Like themselves.

But he had not come here to die.

"Ready?" They nodded. "Go."

He spun out of cover as Jack stepped up beside him. Biotics rushed past him, blowing Collectors in every direction. The assault rifle sprayed fire as he aimed with the machine pistol, his arm trembling with the rapid staccato of fire.

Behind him were people that Shepard had entrusted to him. People that she had brought together for a mission that would almost certainly claim all of their lives. Might possibly claim his. Before, he would have been happy with dying for her. When she had come to him on Omega, she had given him something to be willing to die for.

Ss he slaughtered Collectors and advanced, he recalled the day that she gave him a reason to live.

**~}{~**

**Citadel, two months previously**

Garrus could tell she was getting very tired of being confronted with the 'You're supposed to be dead' adage. The young turian before them felt the full force of Elrika's ire as she stared at him like he was the source of all of her problems. From the way the young C-Sec officer shifted, he was well aware of it.

Finally the door in front of them opened, permitting them to enter C-Sec. Although the space port had exited into Citadel Security two years previously, people had not had to pass security scans before being allowed into the Citadel itself. Garrus didn't know how he felt about the tightening of security protocols. On one hand he was glad that C-Sec finally took their jobs seriously and wasn't like overblown birds of paradise flaunting their blue plumage. On the other hand, though, he couldn't feel too happy because it had taken them so damn long to do it. They probably never would have, had a Reaper not come sailing through their front door and nearly wiped them all out.

The only reason they hadn't been utterly annihilated was striding ahead of him, her eyes finding the man that seemed to be in charge. Garrus watched her prepare for the tiring moment of shock when someone else realized she was alive. If only they knew how miraculous her condition was. The popular story was that she was alive, and had been in hiding for two years, lounging on a beach, or trying to take over the universe or something else dastardly.

Only a privileged few knew that she actually _had_ been dead.

But, for once, the shock of the moment was not focused on Elrika, but on Garrus.

"Holy shit," said the human. "_Vakarian_?"

Garrus glanced at Elrika, who was visibly surprised. His eyes found the human again and he nodded once. "Yes. I don't recall you, I'm sorry."

"We never met," he said. "When you left C-Sec, I was brought in as a replacement. Call me Bailey."

Garrus just nodded again. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to that. He was aware of Elrika staring at him from the corner of her eye, a shrewd slant to her brows.

"You seem to be running things differently around here," he said finally, giving the area around him a glance.

"No different than what you would, from what I heard." Bailey jerked his chin at Garrus. "Higher ups might not like it, but your way got things done."

Garrus fought hard not to look at Elrika when he saw her head turn towards him in his peripheral vision. "I see."

"I'm tired of the bureaucratic crap I cop. It's easy for the politicians to sit in their climate-controlled offices and tell me I'm doing my job wrong, but down here, the rules change. These are people's lives and safety we're dealing with, here. You want to flaunt the law? Fine. But you're not longer protected by it."

Garrus liked Bailey already. So did Elrika, by the smile she bestowed on the human.

"I'm here to do some law-flauntin', but all for a good cause."

"You're Shepard, aren't you?" said Bailey. "Damn, Garrus. With those scars and this woman, I can envision you riding into hell and dragging her back out, beating off the Devil himself. Don't tell me anything about it. That image is enough."

Elrika scowled. "Should I be insulted that you think I went to hell?"

"I don't think you went there as punishment," said Bailey. "I think you were recruited."

Elrika's scowl faded. "That would be fun."

Bailey smiled and splayed his hands over the desk before him. "Look. Normally there's a massive process for this, but something tells me that you don't flaunt the law for fun. I'm not going to ask any questions. I figure if you want me to know, you'll just tell me. So I'm just going to press this button and you're officially alive again."

"You just made it to my Christmas Card list," said Elrika, pointing at him. "But I have a couple of favours to ask."

"Trust me, Shepard, after what you did, we owe you more than anyone will ever be able to repay. What can I do for you?"

Elrika looked at Garrus and jerked her thumb at Bailey, "I'd like to meet more people like him."

Garrus laughed quietly as he moved back, letting Thane take his spot.

**~}{~**

Garrus watched silently as Thane approached Elrika with tears in his eyes. She reached out and patted his arm, sparing him a gentle smile that so few would ever see. She endured the Council, and Udina, just to get her Spectre status back so she could help Thane. She helped him save his son in more ways than simply preserving his life, and Garrus knew she had earned Thane's loyalty forever.

She wasn't just a leader to her people. She cared. There were few that Elrika would put her neck out for, but when she did she would move the stars for them.

Now who was the hanar's belly?

Garrus though about his own dilemma, really thought about it. He wanted to relieve the burden on her by not telling her. He thought, perhaps, that she would feel better if they took care of it after Omega. But he now realized that she would be upset with the knowledge that he had withheld the information. Not with him, but with herself for making him think that he needed to.

Elrika protected people. She did not like it to be the other way around.

"Elrika." He reached out and caught her arm before they stepped aboard the _Normandy_. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure." She turned towards him as Thane stepped a few discreet paces away, giving them some privacy. Or, perhaps, to give himself some. After all, he had gone through a trying few hours.

Garrus dropped his hand and sighed, staring at the ground between himself and the Commander. "Do you remember Sidonis?"

"I have a vague recollection of the turian you seem to hate more than anything else in existence, yes," said Elrika.

He forced a smile, but lost it quickly. "I got a lead on him. Or, rather, a lead on a lead. There's a specialist here on the Citadel named Fade. He makes people… disappear."

"In a… 'can't be found' way, or a 'little bits being eaten by the fish' way?'

"The… first one. I think." Human colloquialisms were still a little lost on him.

"Alright. Fade." Elrika crossed her arms over her chest. "What do you know about him?"

"Sidonis may have contacted him to disappear. To fade into the background. I might be able to find him and-"

Elrika threw up her hand, scowling. "I? I don't think so. You and me, Garrus." She looked over her shoulder. "Thane. We have another errand to run. Are you good to come with us or do you want to go lie down or something?"

The drell blinked at them. "I am not incapacitated, Shepard."

"Excellent. Let's go see Bailey."

**~}{~**

The lead had been good and so had Shepard.

At first.

When Garrus stepped into a position of leadership, she had taken a step back without a second thought. She stood at his shoulder with her arms folded over her chest and looking every inch the 'I will kill you if you even glance at me, maggot' woman she could be. She didn't bat an eye when he threatened to shoot the volus informant that had been pretending to be Fade. In fact, she added a very sinister smile for the full effect, made all the more terrifying due to the glowing cybernetics visible through her skin. Even Thane pulled his weight, stroking the collar of his coat and staring straight ahead like a good little hired killer.

But, slowly, Shepard began to change. Garrus could _feel_ her eyes on him as they made their way through the factory district following Harkin. Though she led them in combat without hesitation, she was very attentively focusing on him in the lulls of battle. At first her concern chafed. Did she think he would spontaneously break down into hysterics? Did she think that he would lose it? That was his thought in the beginning, but it wasn't until they knelt by a window in the final stages of the hunt did he realize exactly what she was thinking.

Then the ruthless soldier, the hardened woman who could coldly shoot people between the eyes and shove them out of windows and sleep peacefully at night, had asked him if he thought what he was doing was the right thing.

He dismissed it, initially, giving her cursory answers. He was offended by her words, by her doubts. This was Shepard, and she doubted him. That thought did things to him that he did not like.

He _had_ to bring Sidonis to justice.

Her doubt fuelled his rage at Harkin. Her bright eyes were burning in his head as he struck the ex-C-Sec officer. A part of him saw her face there instead and he was horrified to realize that he wanted to punch Shepard for sowing doubt in his heart. But this was not the Shepard he knew. She pulled him off Harkin when he had the worm pinned and writhing. She had slapped his pistol aside and prevented him from kneecapping the man when she had done worse. Her penetrating, predatory stare made him chafe, made him feel like he was being restricted and restrained.

But it was made all the worse because it was _Shepard_. It wasn't a turian commander, or a senior at C-Sec. It was Shepard and he was thrown by her behaviour.

Garrus' confidence had begun to waver. Not in himself, but in her. As she questioned his motives, as she began to show a side of forgiveness he had never known she possessed, he wondered if, maybe, death had changed her more than just to give her a new perspective on mortality.

When they sat in the shuttle and she began to try and defend Sidonis, he wanted to tell her to shut up. He wanted to yell at her. He wanted to do something, anything, to make the Elrika he knew come back. He did not want the judgemental, wary woman that he was fighting beside, now.

He thought Shepard would be standing behind him, encouraging him to blow Sidonis' brains out. He thought she would slap him on the shoulder, congratulate him on a job well done, and then they would get back to the mission.

Instead, with the scope of his sniper rifle directed at the back of her head, he watched her snatch justice from his hands and cast it to the wind.

"Shepard. You're in my shot. Step to the side."

He watched her head dip in his scope. He saw her shoulders rise and fall with a breath. Then she looked back at the turian standing before her.

+_Sidonis, listen to me_.+

_You back-stabbing fucking bitch_! Garrus hit the wall before him with his chest as his legs instinctively shoved forward, trying to get at her as his mind dissolving into a cacophony of turian profanities. He pressed the scope of his rifle to his eye, feeling the weapon creak under his claws.

"What the hell are you doing? What the _hell_ are you doing, Shepard?" _Not you! Damn it, not _you_!_

She was talking, ignoring him as Sidonis shook his head in distress, stepping back.

"Damn it, Shepard! If he moves, I'm taking the shot!"

Shepard turned and looked over her shoulder at him, her eyes narrowed, a line between her brows. Angry. She was angry. Then she went back to Sidonis, carefully keeping her head between his and Garrus' sniper rifle as she warned him. At one point Sidonis moved, clearing the shot, but before Garrus could take it, Shepard's head was there again.

+_I am the only thing standing between you and a hole in the head_.+

The coward tried to talk his way out of it. Tried to explain it away. Bile choked Garrus, thick and bitter, and he wanted to drop his rifle and go for the other turian's throat with his bare claws. He had once been the top hand-to-hand fighter on a turian ship. He wanted to show Sidonis firsthand how he had earned that spot. He wanted to stand over his fallen opponent, covered in his blood, and howl his rage at the sky.

But the woman he thought would understand his hatred the most was carefully keeping her head between his bullet and Sidonis' left eye.

"Fucking move, Shepard! Fucking _move_! Do you think I won't hit you! I'll shoot you and then shoot him! See if I fucking won't!"

Shepard reached up and disengaged her helmet, removing it and shaking her hair out. +_Do it, Garrus. Shoot me._+

As he watched her shield sparked and fizzled out as she deactivated her kinetic barrier. Garrus' head came up and he saw Thane's head snapping back and forth, horrified. Shepard didn't turn away from Sidonis as she spoke to Garrus, the other turian seeming to realize that Shepard was bargaining for his life.

"I will! I _will_!"

+_You're Shepard, aren't you_?+ Sidonis' voice came through Shepard's communication's unit.

+_Yes_.+

+_He talked about you. Not a lot. But we… we could get enough from his words. From his actions. You don't seem… a very merciful creature. From what he said and did… I'm surprised that you haven't shot me yourself_.+

Shepard reached up and deactivated her communicator as she spoke. Sidonis' head snapped around to stare at her and Garrus raged silently as he was disallowed to hear what was being said. When it came back on, Sidonis was speaking again. Speaking about his cowardice. About something that would sicken every turian to their gut. Garrus' heart lurched in his chest as he listened to Sidonis' words. Shepard turned toward him as if she could feel it, her green eyes hard in his scope, her lips forming the words that were spoken in his ear.

+_Let it go, Garrus._+

"No. _No_, damn it. He's still alive. He's still… _alive_!"

Shepard tilted her head, one eye looking over her shoulder at Garrus through his scope, +_Look at him, Garrus. Does he really look alive?_+

"He can get better. He can… he can move on!"

+_Do you really think so?_+ she stepped to one side and exposed Sidonis, his head in his hands, shoulders shaking. He could have taken the shot then, but his claw froze on the trigger. +_Do you really think this is a man that can escape that guilt, Garrus? Do you really think this is a turian that isn't already tormenting himself more than you ever could? You know what it's like, don't you? If I put a bullet in your brain, Garrus, would it be punishment, or would it be mercy_?+

"I didn't betray them! He did! I didn't betray them to their deaths!"

+_Tell yourself that, Garrus. I know it. But do you_?+

Silence stretched. His claw was on the trigger. He could pull it. He could. It would be over and he would have justice for their deaths. His scope swung slightly and he saw Elrika's eyes and was staggered by the sadness that they held. The grief.

For Sidonis?

+_Tell Garrus… I guess there's nothing I can say to make it right._+

Shepard snorted and folded her arms over her chest. +_No. There's not_.+

Garrus swore and dropped his head, clenching his fists. "Tell… tell him to go. Just tell him to go!"

+_Get out of here. He's giving you a second chance. And no. Don't thank me. Just go_.+

Sidonis lifted his head, scanning for Garrus. Maybe he saw him, maybe he didn't. But in the end, he just whispered, +_You're a better man than I ever was, Garrus_.+

+_That is the only reason you're alive, Sidonis_.+

+_I'm sorry_…+

Then he was gone, taking Garrus' justice with him.

**~}{~**

Garrus strode over to Shepard, violence simmering in his veins. Her arms were folded over her chest and one of her hips was cocked as she waited for whatever it was he wanted to say. Thane sat in the back seat of the cab behind her, fastidiously staring out the window beside him and pretending he wasn't there.

Garrus clenched his fists around his sniper rifle so hard that it creaked with protest. Then he collapsed it and slammed it into the docking clamp on his back with more force than was necessary.

Suddenly Shepard's eyes darted to the side and one of her brows arched as her eyes widened. When he followed her gaze he realized with horror that he had lifted his hand, his claws curled into a fist, and seemed prepared to hit her. Garrus shuddered and dropped his hand, staring at his claws as he forced them to uncurl and open.

Had he seriously been about to punch Shepard?

The horror he felt had nothing to do with propriety and not hitting a female. He had hit armed human females before. He had seen Shepard hit unarmed human females with enough force to break their noses. She was not a woman that cared about treating her gender with any sort of gentleness and she certainly didn't expect it.

The horror was because he had almost punched _Elrika_. His friend. The only person in the galaxy he could trust.

Or could he?

That thought brought back the rush of rage at justice not met out to Sidonis. At the dead men that had followed him that had no one to bring their killer to the end he deserved. Garrus lifted his head and stared at Elrika, letting his rage flow into his eyes, a turian rumble of hostility escaping him.

He saw Thane glance at him, obviously worried about that sound.

"You can hit me if you want, Garrus."

"Get in the cab," he snapped, pointing. "Just get in the fucking cab."

For once, Elrika did as she was told. Neither of them spoke on the trip back to the _Normandy_. Neither of them spoke to anyone else.

Garrus had felt Elrika's eyes on him as he left the elevator, heading towards the Main Battery, but he just didn't give a shit.

**~}{~**

Garrus strode through Elrika's door like a storm. She was sitting at her desk and he turned to her, opening his mouth. Then he turned and walked into her bedroom area, needing room to pace.

He heard her put down her data pad and rise from her chair, "Garrus. Hello. Why, yes, please do come in."

"I'm not in the mood for that, Shepard," he snapped, spinning about to face her, a whole lot of rage burning from him. "We need to talk. About what happened. With Sidonis."

"Now you're ready to talk?" she cocked her head as she stood at the top of the stairs, arms folded over her chest. "Okay."

Garrus opened his mouth, before he turned and paced off to one side, swearing quietly, "You stopped me from shooting him. I had him in my sights. And you stopped me."

"I… was there, Garrus," she arched a brow and nodded, drawing out the 'was'.

"Dammit, Elrika!" he shouted, stepping towards him, his mandibles flaring wide. "Why? Why did you do it? You shot Saleon point blank when I told you who he was. You talked Saren into _shooting himself_. You've executed men for less! But when it came to bringing Sidonis to justice for what he had done… You stopped me! _You stopped me_!"

"Is it weird that we have a lot of enemies that start with 'S'?" she cocked her head and looked up.

"_Shepard_!" he reached out to her, claws curling inwards. "You said you'd have killed him! You said you'd have killed him yourself if he had betrayed you! So why did you stop me? And what the hell did you say to him that I couldn't hear!"

Elrika lazily glanced at the fish tank to her left, "I'm thinking about getting a giant, carnivorous fish, what do you think? Obviously I couldn't get any other fish, but something bright, small and hyperactive just seems so unlike me. A shark would be brilliant. Is the tank too small?

"_Elrika_!" Garrus threw his head back and roared her name, his voice degrading into a turian howl of rage. "Damn you! _DAMN you_! I would have followed you to hell and back! I have! I would a thousand times over! All I wanted was this _one spirits damned thing_! All I wanted was to bring Sidonis to justice! Why! Tell me why!"

Elrika glanced away from her fish tank at him, tilting her head, "Can I talk without you screaming at me?"

Garrus opened his mouth, snapped it closed, and then spun away from her. He strode to her bed, chest heaving with each angry breath. He wanted to throw something. He needed to throw something. He needed to rage. He _hated_ Elrika in that moment. He _hated_ her when she put herself between his gun sight and Sidonis' face. A part of him was beyond furious with himself that he had even thought of shooting her and then Sidonis, but another part was beyond furious that he hadn't done it.

He was torn apart from the inside at the ineffective rage that stewed endlessly, boiling in a mass of vile, black hatred. The need for justice after what Sidonis had done to his men coupled with his betrayal at Shepard denying that need was turning him into something ugly.

"I thought I could trust you, Shepard, dammit. I thought… I thought you would _understand_!" He spun back to her, folding his claws over her shoulders and shaking her. "I thought you would understand!"

"I do," she said quietly. "I do understand, Garrus. And I honestly think Sidonis should have died for what he did. I, personally, wanted to shoot him myself."

Garrus' incredulity rose, "Then why did you stop me!"

"Because you aren't me, Garrus," she put her hand on his wrists, ignoring the way his claws constricted painfully tight around her shoulders.

"What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"The reason you were going after Sidonis with such a single-minded hate was not for justice, Garrus. Justice is impartial. It's not about emotion or betrayal. It's not about rage or hate. It's about crime and punishment. Killing someone for their crime is not justice. What you were going after was not justice."

"Then what was it?"

"Revenge."

Garrus stared down at her, aghast, "_That's_ why you stopped me? _That's _why!" He dropped his hands and stepped back, and then he moved to stride around her, wanting to be away from her.

"EDI! Look my door!"

The indicator light on her door turned red and Garrus roared, slamming his fists against it.

"EDI! Let me out!" Nothing happened and he hit the door again. "EDI!"

Finally acknowledging that he could not leave, he spun back to Elrika. The soft little human had trapped herself in a room with an enraged turian. Her funeral.

As Garrus strode back to her, his head down and his gait purely predatory, something flared in Elrika's eyes. Not fear, but something he didn't care to analyse at that time. Then she dropped her hands and lifted her chin, staring at him defiantly.

"You got to shout at me, now you have to listen to me. You wanted to talk, so we're going to talk."

Garrus snarled at her, "I trusted you. I _trusted_ you with _everything_, Shepard. And when it came to the one moment you could give me what I needed most, you stopped me. You _stopped_ me!"

"It is my turn to speak, Vakarian," she snapped.

"_How could you_!"

"_It is __**my**__ turn to __**speak**_!"

It was the first time that Elrika had turned her rage onto Garrus and it jerked him out of his own. Seeing it directed at others and having it directed at him were very, very different things. The large, angry, predatory turian was successfully cowed. For a moment, at least. Then his rage was back and riding him hard.

"You came in here and I let you vent," she said as she pointed at him. "But, goddamn it, you are not leaving here hating me, Garrus. I am going to explain myself to you and you are going to _sit the fuck down and listen_."

He clenched his claws angrily, before spinning away. Finally he turned and sat down on the steps, staring up at her in mocking obedience. Elrika stared back, before she seemed to accept that he was going to listen.

"You were right. 'An eye for an eye' is an old human saying. 'A tooth for a tooth'. But we have many, and here's another. When you quest for vengeance, dig two graves."

Garrus' frustration spiked. "What the hell does _that_ mean?"

"It means that people that pursue vengeance destroy themselves as much as they destroy their intended target," snapped Elrika. "It means that when you take out vengeance, you kill a small part of yourself. Or a big part."

"So what?" Garrus' voice was childish in its anger. "So _what_?"

"The reason you wanted to kill Sidonis wasn't for justice, Garrus. Killing someone isn't _justice_."

"It was vengeance! So what? He deserved it!" he shot to his feet, towering over the human, but she was unfazed.

"I know."

"Then why did protect him!"

"I didn't."

"Sure as hell looked like it!"

"I was protecting _you_, Garrus!"

His head rocked back on his spine as he stared down at her, his anger fizzling out into shock. His head cocked as he leaned towards her, not believing he could have heard what he thought he heard, "_What did you say_?"

Elrika scowled at him, her face a mask of mulish frustration, "I wasn't protecting Sidonis. Like I said, I didn't give a shit about Sidonis. I get vengeance. You know I do. I thought Sidonis deserved punishment for what he did. But when I looked at him… Shit, Garrus. When I looked at him I just realized."

"Realized _what_?"

"That you weren't seeing Sidonis," she snapped. "It wasn't about _Sidonis_ anymore. The man at the end of the scope wasn't _Sidonis_, Garrus. It was _you_."

Garrus leaned away from Shepard, breathing sharply as he tried to deny her words. Tried to think of something to say to prove her wrong.

Nothing came to mind.

Horrified, Garrus spun away, turning his back to Shepard, but she was relentless.

"Everything you felt for Sidonis, every single goddamn thing, every bit of hate and rage and betrayal, was everything you also directed at yourself. It wasn't about bringing Sidonis to justice. Hell, it wasn't even really about revenge. You weren't killing Sidonis for what he had done. You were trying to kill him for what _you_ had done."

Garrus spun around, snarling, but Elrika was just as in his face, her palm smacking into his chest and stopping him.

"You look me in the fucking eye and tell me that if you didn't feel one _ounce_ of guilt for what Sidonis did, you'd still have killed him. Still have wanted to kill him with all of that hate and rage. You look at me, Garrus, and tell me you didn't want to kill him, not because _he_ survived, but because _you_ did. Everything you felt for Sidonis is what you feel for yourself. You hate yourself for what he did. You shoved all that hate and rage and guilt and despair on him, projected it on him, and hoped to God and the Spirits that it would be _enough_ if you killed him."

Garrus grabbed her wrist and shoved her hand from his chest but she jabbed the finger of her other hand into his chest plate. "You tell me you don't look at your scars and think of them as a penance for what you survived and they did not. You tell me you didn't think about facing your death on Omega and think of it as a just price for leaving them to die."

Garrus' mouth worked silently as he tried to come up with a defence, when there was none. So, instead, he snapped his jaw shut and glared at her.

"You tell me you didn't want to kill Sidonis for luring you away. Not for betraying them, but for keeping you from dying with them. You look me in the eye and tell me that you wanted to kill Sidonis because you wanted to die, too!"

"Enough!" he roared, whirling away from her, pushing at her with one hand, releasing the grip he had on her. "Enough." He hung his head, defeated. "I get it."

"No. No you don't." Elrika watched him, a scowl on her face. "You have to understand. The reason you wanted to kill Sidonis was not the reason for everything you felt. What happened to you on Omega transformed you, Garrus. It was a seething mass of hate inside of you. Betrayal. It was ugly and it was twisted and it was not you. When I watched you beat Harkin, I knew it wasn't you, Garrus. When you tried to kneecap him, it wasn't you. This raging, hate-filled turian before me now isn't _you_, Garrus."

"Yes it is!"

"No! No it's not!"

"Then who is it?" he roared, desperate to gain a foothold in an argument he had already lost.

"It's _me_!"

There was such anguish in her eyes that Garrus absurdly found himself wanting to comfort her. His pride kept him back, kept his feet rooted to the spot. But it was Elrika that crossed the distance between them, lifting her hand to touch his face.

"Garrus is the turian that defied everyone and everything trying to bring Saren to justice! Garrus is the turian I found on Omega, who could make jokes with me in the face of his death. The one could laugh at the fact he had almost died. Who dropped _everything_ to walk into hell with me once more. All I had to do was ask, Garrus, and you came. The only one that ever did so without any hesitation." She paused. "Well except Thane, but he has an expiry date."

"_Shepard_," he rasped. "That's _awful_." But her crass joke at someone else's expense, coupled with his diminishing rage, made him realize that they were slowly returning to normal.

She waved his words away, putting her hands on his chest, scowling, "You're not a creature driven by revenge, Garrus. You're a creature driven by justice. Saleon. Sidonis. You felt like it was justice, but it wasn't, and it never would be. I know vengeance when I see it and it was twisting you. Deforming you. If I had known my lessons would make you into… a version of me? I would never have… taught you anything." She dipped her head, nails digging into his chest plate.

"Seeing you in that cab? You were so full of hate and anger. So full of guilt and rage and you were directing it all on Sidonis. All of it," Elrika lifted her head to stare at him. "And knew that if you killed Sidonis all of that rage and hate and guilt wouldn't go away. It wouldn't go anywhere. And I was _scared,_ Garrus. No longer would you have Sidonis to focus it on. Instead, you would internalize it. That you would turn it on yourself and let it eat you from the inside out. Without Sidonis… with Sidonis dead, you could only hate yourself. You would _destroy_ yourself. And… And I couldn't let it happen. I couldn't let you pull the trigger, Garrus. I'm sorry."

She rested her head against his chest and Garrus just stared down at the top of her head, unable to speak.

"You want to know what I said to Sidonis? I said that I wasn't doing it for _him_. I was doing this for _you_, Garrus. I told him that I wanted to shoot him myself, but not what he did to those men. I don't _care_ about those men. As much as you may dislike me for that, I really don't give a shit about them or their deaths. But you…? I _care_ about _you_. I…" She choked off, seeming to realize what she had said, before she shook her head against his chest. "I care about you," her voice was quieter. "And I couldn't let you destroy yourself. And I… I couldn't let you become me."

She dropped her hands and lifted her head and Garrus' world rocked when he saw tears on her cheeks. His hands lifted slightly, but before he could touch her she stepped away, out of his reach.

"EDI. Unlock the door." As the red indicator panel turned green, Shepard glanced at Garrus, "You can hate me if you want. I can take that hate. I accepted that you might hate me when I did it. If you want to leave the _Normandy_, that's fine, too. I just…" She turned away from him, resting her hand on the wall to one side of her room. "I couldn't let you do it, Garrus."

Unspoken words were heavy in the air and Garrus felt every ounce of hate and rage crumble and shatter inside of him as he realized what Elrika had done for him. What she had been prepared to sacrifice for him.

Garrus feet carried him across the room before he knew he was even moving. Not toward the door, but to her.

Grasping Elrika's arms, he spun her around and pressed his lipless mouth to hers. Touching mouths did not truly mean anything to turians, it was not their version of a 'kiss', but he could show Shepard…

Then his thought on the lack of meaning of kissing to a turian went out the window as she pressed herself back to him, her arms twining around his head. His entire body was charged with sensation and his armour suddenly felt far, far too tight for him. His claws splayed over her back, bowing her spine as his mouth parted and he tasted her tongue against his own. A shudder wracked his body and he drew away, feeling like he had been touched with a live electrical wire.

His eyes closed and he dipped his head, resting his cheek against hers as he held Elrika against him, arms tightening around her as much as he dared. She put her hand on the side of his face, holding him close.

"It wasn't your fault, Garrus."

Garrus tried to pull away as he was reminded of everything that had slipped away with the kiss, but Elrika trapped him against her, clutching the back of his head with her hands as she pressed forward as relentlessly as she did with everything else.

"It wasn't your fault. I _wasn't_. Killing Sidonis wouldn't have changed anything. Because he wasn't the one you blamed. Not really. You blame _yourself_. But it wasn't your fault. Garrus, you have to believe me. It was _not_ your fault."

"It was," he whispered, relaxing against her. "It _was_. They died because of _me_."

"They died because they were ambushed," she insisted. "They died because someone in a merc outfit shot them. They _chose_ to follow you, knowing they might die. They _chose_." She drew back, her hands cupping his face carefully, the tears making her green eyes glitter. "It wasn't your _fault_."

"I _failed_ them," he rasped, looking into her eyes. "I failed them."

"No. No you _didn't_," Elrika arched closer and Garrus swayed slightly, dipping his head. "They met their deaths the way they chose. Chins high, guns up, defiant. A death that anyone can be proud of."

"Their wives…"

"Knew what they were doing. Knew they had chosen their paths. Just as you chose yours. They chose to follow you. You didn't fail them, Garrus. You didn't leave them to die. They were murdered. Please. Please don't die with them." A fresh tear slipped down Elrika's cheek. "I'm sorry that I couldn't let you kill Sidonis. I'm sorry that I couldn't let you die on Omega. But I need you, now. I need you. I do. I need you and I always will. I'm so, so sorry…"

She pressed her lips to his mouth again, another kiss, another charge of electricity. In the still silence of her room, bathed in the blue light of her empty fish tank, they kissed, they shared their breaths, they shared their souls. Slowly she drew back, her breathing shaky, moisture still on her cheeks. He lifted one hand from her back to gently wipe them away.

He realized that this was the first time he had ever seen Elrika cry. The first time he had ever seen her shed tears.

For him.

Garrus constricted his arms tightly around her and buried his face in her neck, inhaling the scent of her hair. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck and one hand caressed the leathery skin at the back of his head, beneath his head fringe.

"It's not your fault, Garrus. It's not. It's not. And you're allowed to believe that."

With a keening turian wail of grief, Garrus finally let go of his guilt.

**~}{~**


	7. Whisper To Me

**Last Updated: **15/1/11

**Chapter Seven**:

_Whisper To Me_

**~}{~**

**Collector Base**

The air was alive with gunfire, biotics and tech attacks, humming with the potential for death and the desire to create it. It had been easier to cut through the Collector ranks and fight their way to the door when they were advancing, but now that they had reached it, all they could do was hold out and wait as Harbinger hurled Collectors at them.

He glanced at the closed metal panels behind him. Or, more specifically, at the thirty metres of very open space in front it. It would be suicide to cross the distance without the door open, but once it was open it would expose Shepard and her team to enemy fire.

From what he had last heard of the communication, they had all been faring poorly, desperate to get to the door as Harbinger finally dedicated greater force to stopping them.

A quarian cry of pain had him turning back to his own team. One of the biotic blasts of the Reaper-possessed Collector caught Tali square in the back and sent her flying twenty feet off to one side. Her kinetic barrier fizzled and died as she hit the ground and lay motionless, exposed and vulnerable.

"Tali!" he shouted, abandoning his spot.

"Cover him!" shouted Miranda.

"Idiot!" roared Jack, but nonetheless fire and biotics flashed over his shoulder as he ran, abandoning the ability to fire for sheer speed. He grabbed Tali's arm and hauled her into cover, firing as he went.

"Tali! Tali." Once they were adequately concealed, he rolled her onto her front and checked for ruptures in her suit. She twitched, moaning, and he moved her carefully onto her back. "Tali. Can you hear me?"

"Garrus…" Her hand fluttered up, touching her mask. "I feel like… I've been kicked by a krogan…"

"Near to. Harbinger hit you with one of his matter deconstructing sucker punches."

"My suit…"

"No ruptures. You're good."

She let out a groan and tried to sit up, but he held her down with one hand at her shoulder.

"Just rest for a second," he said, bringing up his sniper rifle. "We can't get through the door until Shepard opens it anyway."

"I'm okay, Garrus…"

"Rest, Tali. That's an order."

She obediently lay back as he crouched at the edge of their cover. From where he was, he could see the others pinned down by heavy fire at the door. As he watched, Miranda stood up and unleashed a powerful biotic slam. The death of a Collector was bought at the price of her shield and just before she ducked into cover, a round clipped her cheek and opened a bloody line on her face.

Grunt took her spot as she spun away, firing his Claymore and taking round after round himself. But eventually even the krogan began to suffer under the damage, driven down to one knee as blood flowed from his undeveloped crest. Still, he kept firing.

They couldn't wait for their kinetic barriers to recharge, there wasn't time. Even with a constant barrage of fire, the Collectors were advancing inexorably forward. They were skilled enough not to get hit fatally, but enough wounds would amount to the same.

They were dying by inches.

"Shepard!" He clapped his claw to the side of his helmet as he fired blindly with Tali's pistol. "Come on, Shepard! Where are you?"

Thankfully, blessedly, she answered. +_I'm almost there, Garrus. What's your situation_?+

Despite his urgency, it took a moment for him to shove aside his concern at the pain and exhaustion he heard straining her voice. "Pinned down at the door and taking heavy fire!" As he watched, Jack spun backwards, taking a round to the shoulder. Grunt caught her by the straps crossing her back and tossed her into cover, still firing even though he could barely see, his eyes covered in a film of his own blood.

+_Samara! Get that door open! Legion! Thane! Take up firing positions! Garrus, get ready_!+

He grabbed Tali's arm and hauled her to her feet. Using his own body as a shield, he backed towards the door, the quarian managing to wield her shotgun and fire clumsily as she ran. Collector fire sparked against his shield and he watched the indicator in his helm's HUD slowly tick down to nothingness.

"Get to the door!" he shouted.

"There's no fucking cover at the door!" Jack forced the words through gritted teeth. She was curled up against cover as he rushed past, her hand staunching the flow of blood from her shoulder. From the look of it, her arm was completely useless.

"Just go!" he grabbed her and shoved her toward it, and the biotic murderess fell into step with the dazed quarian. "Miranda!" The genetically engineered human was already moving, covering her face with one hand and firing with the other. "Grunt!" The krogan didn't seem to hear him, roaring with rage as he hammered blow after blow into a Collector that had advanced too close. "Damn it."

He turned back and grabbed the young krogan's arm, physically hauling him off of the dead Collector. He ducked when Grunt swung for him, using the momentum of the missed punch to shove him into motion.

"Get to the door!" he turned to open fire with Tali's pistol again, yanking the assault rifle from Grunt's back. Lifting both arms, he aimed with the pistol and just sprayed with the rifle, trying to cover his team's retreat. A round clipped his helmet, snapping his head to one side, but he just righted himself with a shake and kept firing. Another round struck the armoured guard of his knee, driving him half to the ground. Only by sheer force of will did he get back to his feet, agony searing his nerves.

_The only time you see a turian's back is when he's dead_.

Trust him to choose that moment to become a good turian.

"_SHEPARD_!"

There was a rush of noise behind him and three sniper rifles fired at the same time. Two bullets ripped right through two Collectors, one exploding in a spray of heat, the other just decimating the organic torso it struck. The third bullet continued right through a Collector head and cleaned out two more before it lodged on a wall in a spray of dirt.

"Garrus!"

The barrel of Shepard's massive Revenant assault rifle appeared his peripheral vision and she mowed down Collectors like she was at a firing range, dropping them as fast as they appeared. She shoved herself in front of him, one shoulder slamming into his chest and driving him back. Taking the hint, he slid behind her as she activated her Geth shield enhancement, glowing with blue hexagonal fields.

Behind them, the team screamed for them to hurry and the two of them beat a hasty retreat to the doors, firing all the while. Garrus stayed behind Shepard and she stayed low, the two of them unleashing a constant barrage of fire as they backed down the alley of fire emerging from behind them.

There was a flash of blue and the sound of shattering glass and Shepard staggered backwards as one of Harbinger's massive attacks exploded against her chest Garrus tossed Tali's pistol behind him and grabbed the back of her shield harness in one hand, supporting her as she got her feet back under her. Just as she did, a round clipped her helmet, sending her spinning sharply to the side, letting him see the deep gouge it left in her Death Mask's visor. A round struck his shoulder, spinning him slightly, but he let it turn him into her. Wrapping one arm around her waist, he picked her up bodily, took two lunging steps through the door, carrying her over his shoulder as she continued to shoot.

As soon as they were through, he turned and added his weapons to the wall of fire. He released her and she rolled to her feet, swinging around and bringing up her gun just as the doors hissed closed.

But not before something slammed into his chest, driving him backwards and off of his feet. Elrika turned as he fell, her scream in his ear.

"_GARRUS_!"

_You were right_, he thought as he fell. _You always die with regrets._

**~}{~**

_**Normandy**_** SR2, twelve days previously**

"I never get over how bright this ship is."

Garrus looked up as Elrika eased down into a seat opposite him, pushing a mug of a sweetened turian drink toward him. She kept a mug for herself. He sipped his drink, letting the warm, thick fluid seep over his tongue. She was getting good at preparing amino dextro meals, and he had to admit to slinking out of the Main Battery for a meal at odd hours just so Elrika would cook for him. Currently, was early morning, ship time, and mess hall was utterly devoid of life, with everyone either asleep, or, if they were essential, manning their stations on the level above. As of late, though, their quiet meals and private conversations were becoming less and less frequent as tensions came to an all time high between them.

The fact that she had willingly joined him for something as small as a drink – and perhaps small talk – boded well. He hoped.

"Can't sleep?"

He shook his head. "No. You?"

"I don't sleep much these days," she said, tucking her ankles under her. She was wearing the less-than-formal Cerberus uniform, the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Since her cosmetic surgery, her face looked flawless, devoid of any hint of the procedure that brought her back to life. Not that Garrus cared. Regardless of glowing scars and red pupils, he thought Elrika Shepard was beautiful. Not beautiful as a turian female might be, but beautiful because she was Elrika Shepard.

And because he loved her.

"Why not? Nightmares?" He had never actually given thought to the reason Elrika seemed to sleep very little and very infrequently.

She shook her head and confessed quietly, "Sometimes, but mostly I'm just scared I'm going to go to sleep and never wake up."

Garrus didn't know what to say to that, so he simply dipped his chin and stared at the table between them. The silence stretched, and he knew that she was as lost for words as he was. They were poised on a knife edge, and the slightest nudge could tip them in either direction. Garrus was terrified that the wrong nudge would tip them the wrong way. His hands twitched on the drik and he looked up at her, seeing that she, too, was staring at him.

"How's Tali?" he asked finally.

"Down in engineering." Elrika folded her hands before her and stared at her twined fingers. "I finally had to order her, as a captain, to sleep. She's napping on Jack's bunk, amusingly enough. Jack's taken a shining to her. Strangely enough." Elrika was silent for a long time, before she whispered, "Do you think I should have submitted the evidence of her innocence?"

"No," said Garrus immediately. "She would have hated you. We know she was innocent, she knows that she was innocent, and that's all that matters to her."

"I could have gotten her exiled, Garrus. The Flotilla is the most important thing to her."

"You never would have let that happen. And, even if it had, she would always have a place here. Family is the most important thing to Tali, and we're her family now."

"I don't know how appropriate a place on a suicide mission is," said Elrika, was full of derision. Then they saddened. "I keep seeing the image of that… that quarian mother giving a last message to her child… And Tali's father giving her orders with his last breath… Couldn't he have even said 'I love you'? And his daughter risked exile to keep him in good stead."

"He loved her," assured Garrus. He had heard the pinch in Elrika's voice. The first human Spectre's history was public, and Garrus admitted that when he had first gone aboard the original _Normandy_, he had looked it up. Elrika had run with the Tenth Street Reds in their burgeoning years, before they had become an anti-alien gang, and had traded a prison sentence for military service on the galactic frontline. Garrus recalled her conversation about everyone having family issues. Not for the first time, he wondered what Elrika's vision of family was like. On the heels of that, he realised that Elrika truly had no sense of family at all. No parents. No brothers and sisters. She had grown up in a cutthroat gang, and then joined the violent world of the military.

He wondered if she had ever known gentleness. If she had ever had someone truly cherish her.

Garrus wondered if she would let him do it. Not because he wanted to save her, but because she deserved it, and he wanted to give that to her.

"Do you want to contact your family? We may not have much time left."

"Not really," said Garrus. "What am I meant to say? 'Hello, Father. I'm on a mission to travel through the Omega 4 Relay to the Collector Stronghold, which, by the way, is in the galactic core. I'd say see you if I survive, but I probably won't. Give mother my love.'?"

"You'll survive, Garrus," Elrika said sharply.

"I mean see him," Garrus reassured her and the scowl that formed between her brows eased.

"You've never mentioned your mother before."

Garrus smiled and had another drink. If she wanted to take the conversation down this path, he would let her. He knew that she was just trying to make things comfortable between them again, and he hoped that boded well for deeper conversation. "Asari are the only monogendered race, Elrika. Turians need a female for the reproductive cycle to be completed."

"Smartass," she groused into her own cup. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah. I try not to think about her, though. Unlike my father, I miss her sometimes."

"What's your mother like?"

Garrus put his cup down. "Surprisingly, nothing like my father. She doesn't go for convention or tradition. She was more focused in honing her skills in dropping a varren at a thousand paces with a hand cannon than nest making and children raising."

"Really?" Elrika sounded impressed and Garrus lifted his chin with pride.

"She taught me how to scope a target," he said. "Both in waiting and on the run. She was the best marksman of her platoon. I got that from her. Father was the best hand-to-hand specialist. I got that from him."

"Who'd you get your good looks and charm from?" she asked.

Garrus laughed. "All me."

"What's your dad like?"

"Strict," he said instantly. "Disciplined. Self-sacrificing and noble. Always puts others before himself. Always put duty first." He snorted and shook his head. "The model turian."

"Sounds like big shoes to fill," said Elrika, brows arching. "You said he was a C-Sec veteran. Was he on the Citadel when Saren attacked?"

Garrus chuckled as he drained his cup. "No. If he was, he would have been killed." He didn't miss the sober expression on Shepard's face, but he did ignore it. "He wouldn't have let Saren get as far as he did without giving him a hell of a fight. He always fought tooth and nail for what he believed in. Never broke the rules, of course, but he could be vicious when need be."

"Sounds like an interesting man," said Elrika.

"Interesting is one way of putting it, I guess. I always thought of him as strict and stifling. Always so many rules. Do this. Do that. Don't do this. Don't do that. Be a good turian, Garrus. He rode me harder than anyone else I've ever met."

"I guess that's why you hate playing things by the book," she said with a smile. "You're quite the rebel."

"Yeah. He'd be quite proud of me now," muttered Garrus sarcastically.

"Not even if we told him that you got three of the biggest merc bands in the Terminus Systems to team up just to kill you? Or if we told you that you'd saved hundreds of thousands of human lives? Or all organic life?"

"He wouldn't care." Garrus' voice was bitter and he knew it. "All he'd care about is that I broke the rules. Nothing was ever good enough for him."

"Where is he now?"

Garrus began to wonder about her curiosity. Was it simply curiosity? Was it simply conversation? "He retired five years ago to a turian colony world, Maldiak. It's over in the Hades Gamma Cluster. Last I heard, he was heading up security for the biggest colony there."

Elrika blinked, genuinely shocked, "That's retirement?"

"Turians never really retire from duty, Shepard. They just take long breaks or die. Never one to do anything by half, my father."

"Wow." She emphasised the word and shook her head. "When I retire, I'm buying an island somewhere and sipping piña coladas for the rest of my life."

"I'd say you're entitled to a whole planet to yourself if we make it through this, Shepard," he laughed.

She shrugged. "Well, at least we'd finally be going somewhere nice."

"We?"

She lost her smile and took a breath. He thought he had pushed her too far, but she shook her head and looked at him once more, her eyes having skirted away. "Are you sure you don't want to talk to them? Everyone else seems to be making contact with their family. Or killing them in Samara's case."

"Speaking of Samara, have you noticed her acting a little odd lately?"

"Odd?" Elrika's eyes became sharp, all business, and he swallowed.

"Yes. She… well. I caught her in the hall the other day. Watching you. You-"

"Stay away from her, Garrus."

"Wh… what?"

"I mean it." Elrika splayed her hands on the table and Garrus' eyes widened. "Stay. Away. From. Her."

Any other man would have been worried that Elrika was being territorial, or secretive, or something else other than what Garrus knew was the truth; Elrika was afraid of Samara. Or, rather, afraid of what might happen should she catch Garrus. Were it another person telling him to back off, every instinct in Garrus' body would scream with curiosity. As it was, he merely nodded.

"Sure."

"Thank you," said Elrika, rubbing her brows. "As for your parents… well. I just want to let you know the option's there."

"I've been talking to my sister," said Garrus, wanting to change the subject back to something she was obviously more comfortable talking about. From Elrika's expression he knew he had surprised her. He, too, was surprised. He figured that someone on Cerberus might have let her know. He was using their channels, after all.

"I didn't know you had a sister."

He nodded. "Solona. She and my mother have been on Palaven, but they've just headed over to live with dad. My mother… my mother is sick. And she's not responding to treatments. And it's expensive. So she's decided to spend her final days with dad."

"She's dying?" whispered Elrika, eyes wide with horror. She reached over the table, pushing aside her mug, and placed her hand over his. "Garrus. If you want to go…"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "Dad and I would just fight and it would make her miserable. Besides. I want to be _here_." _With you_.

"What's wrong with her? If you don't mind me asking."

"It's a degenerative neurological disease." He cleared his throat when his voice broke. "It's exclusive to turians, it's not contagious and it's genetically recessive, so I shouldn't get it. The disease strikes, usually, just after physical prime, and progresses from headaches, to loss of short term and long term memory. Then the person lapses into a coma, during which the major organs shut down and finally death."

Elrika was staring at him, eyes wide, and Garrus returned her stare evenly.

"When was she diagnosed?"

What was that human saying? Hit the nail on the head? "Two years ago. Three months after you… after you died."

Elrika clenched her fingers around his and he was grateful for it. He had come to terms with his mother's _eventual_ death. What he would do when it happened, he had no idea. "How long does your mother have? Can she still be treated?"

"Yes," said Garrus. "She has more than five years. But salarian doctors are expensive, and-"

"Forward as much funds as you need for your mother from my Cerberus accounts," said Elrika, her voice sharp, brooking no protest. "We'll talk to Mordin when we get back from the Reaper. See if he can hit up his STG contacts."

"I-"

"I also forwarded the Shadow Broker some information a few years back. For free. He owes me a favour. I'll see if he knows anything. Also, doctor Michel might know something. On the Citadel."

"Elrika. Stop. Stop." He grasped her forearms. "Thank you." He made sure she was truly paying attention. "For this. Thank you." He had known she would help, but he had no idea how determined she would be.

"It's nothing," she said, shaking her head. "If I can save all organic life in the galaxy, I can save your mother."

And he almost believed her. "But we have time, Elrika."

"Not really." She turned her hands over and grasped his. "I've set the course with Joker. We'll be at the Reaper in twelve hours. And we'll probably head for the Omega 4 relay as soon as the IFF is online."

"I'm glad we'll make it to the galactic core without being shredded," said Garrus sardonically. "Don't worry, Elrika. My mother will still be there when we get back from the relay. I'll talk to Mordin when we return from the Reaper. Until then, you really should get some sleep."

Her green eyes jumped up to his and smirked. "So should you. You're coming with me." Then, hastily, she said, "Into the Reaper."

Garrus knew what she had meant, but her words made him smile. "Ah. Crawling inside a dead, thirty seven million year old corpse of a synthetic life form that's part of a race that wants to annihilate all organic life," Garrus said. "Doesn't get much better than that."

Elrika laughed and squeezed his hand. "Thank you. Anyone else would have crapped their pants at the thought of going to the galactic core," said Elrika with a smile. "You? You start worrying that you forgot where you put your sun visor." She slowly withdrew her hands, leaving him feeling bereft of the contact. "But seriously. How can I do this, Garrus? How can I ask so many strangers to head into the _galactic core_ with me?"

"We're not being forced, Elrika. We can leave any time. _I_ can leave any time." He rose to his feet and crossed to the other side of the table, taking a seat beside Elrika. "But they're not going anywhere and I most certainly am not. Reapers, galactic core, dark space, into a black hole, I don't care. I am _not_ going anywhere."

"I know that," she whispered. "And that's what scares me." She stared at the table before her, hands folded. Garrus waited, though it was hard for him not to press Elrika. But she was not a woman to be pressed. She would get there, in her own time. "My life is… one big irony."

"How do you mean?"

"Every day brings something that makes all of this seem even more impossible. Reapers. Collectors. Galactic core. And every day brings me something that gives me another reason to want to survive it." Her eyes flickered to him and he drew a breath. But then she turned away and closed her eyes, "I'm sorry I've been distant lately, Garrus. I was trying to sort out my head."

"Understandable, Shepard. There isn't much time to socialize between shooting and running for our lives."

For a long time, Elrika stared at the table. Then she closed her eyes and sighed. "I know I've been distant. I'm sorry. But I had to… get some things sorted."

"With what?"

"Me."

"What do you mean?" Garrus shifted his claws, staring at her, his heart and his stomach merging and fighting for supremacy in the crawl out of his throat. He had hoped that was the reason for Elrika's avoidance. He just hoped that it had gone the way he wanted, and not the way he expected. Elrika was not a woman of self-sacrifice… unless it came to someone who relied on her, and that was what scared him. Not because he relied on her, but because he knew Elrika might think he did.

Her eyes closed. "Kaiden."

Garrus felt his entire body go utterly still. His stomach and heart stopped trying to crawl out of his throat and plummeted all the way down to his toes. He hadn't expected that. Hell, it hadn't even occurred to him until that moment. He wasn't sure why Elrika had brought it up, and he was afraid to find out.

"I don't know if this bothers you to discuss, but I feel you have a right to know." She turned in her seat to look at him. Her eyes were sombre and fixed on his, holding him in place. "I didn't love Kaiden. Let's get that straight. I don't think I truly even cared about him, as horrific as that sounds. In truth, he and I… we would never have worked. He didn't see me for who I really was. And who he was… He was…" She shrugged helplessly. "Not what I needed. Not what I wanted. I think it was just because… he was there. And no one else was." She looked at Garrus. "In the end, when it came down to it, leaving him on Virmire was not as hard as everyone seems to think it should have been. I chose the person that set the charge to die there. I chose the person that could survive the aftermath to live. It was a simple decision. It was war. It happens. I've done it before and I know I'll do it again."

Her eyes flickered away. "But… I realised I wouldn't do the same for you, Garrus. I wouldn't be able to. If the cost was a thousand lives. The war against the Reapers. Everything. I would never… be able to leave you behind. And then I knew how I truly felt for you." She looked disturbed by the thought, and Garrus didn't want to contemplate why. "I'm not sure _what_ I feel for you, exactly, but I know I trust you more than I have trusted anyone in my entire life. And I'm not exaggerating. I grew up trusting no one, looking out for myself. When I joined the Alliance, I trusted myself and that's what got me promoted. Got me noticed by the Alliance brass. It's how I saved Elysium. It's why Nihlus noticed me. I always want you at my side. Not just in battle. In everything. You know me. Not all of me, there's more of me for you to learn, but I'd… I'd be okay with that. The good and the bad."

Garrus remained silent as she spoke, hoping to the Spirits that this meant what it meant.

"It's probably not the time to be telling you this. I mean, we're on a suicide mission. Heading into the galactic core of all places. This is a thousand times more impossible than what it was against Saren. But what I said those weeks ago is only more true now, Garrus. I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to defeat Harbinger, and the Reapers." She lifted her eyes to his. "Because I want a future, now. A future beyond fighting, beyond being a Spectre or a soldier. And I want it to be with you."

Elrika lifted her eyes and stared at Garrus. His breath stilled in his lungs as she just looked at him, a silent, wordless communication passing between them. Words were inadequate. There was another language at work, their own, and he understood her perfectly.

"Didn't know you had a weakness for men with scars, Commander," he teased. He was glad his voice didn't reflect his growing anxiety at the topic of discussion.

"I don't. I have a weakness for you."

Garrus felt the words resonate within his soul, coming from a woman who, he knew, only had weaknesses because she let them exist. But that was nothing compared to what happened when she reached out and touched the unwounded side of his face.

"There were so many reasons why I shouldn't touch you," she rasped. "You were learning from me. You looked up to me. You were following me. Trusting me. I had a responsibility toward you. I was either three or five years older than you, depending on how you look at it. And I… I was corrupting you. God, had I known what effect being with me would have had, I would have left you on the damn citadel."

"And I would have died in the geth attack," he said. "You saved me by taking me off the citadel, Elrika. And you taught me, but I am no longer your student. I choose to follow you, now, as your equal. After Sidonis… after Omega…"

"You are your own person," Elrika finished for him. "You can make your own decisions."

"And one thing I learned from you was to own the consequences of my actions." He smiled. "Mordin says that my allergies to levo-aminos is on the lower scale of things. Anaphylactic shock is unlikely."

Elrika gave a small laugh. "If it was anything like my conversation with Mordin, that would have been interesting."

Garrus' smile widened, as did hers. But then her head dropped. Her mouth opened, and she looked poised to say something. Her mouth closed and Garrus waited patiently. "I don't want this to be a frantic thing, Garrus," she said. "I don't want it to be blowing off steam. I don't want it to be… a 'we could die tomorrow' night. I want… it to be right."

"I know. And I am just as scared as you."

"You are?"

"Don't sound so relieved," he chided. Then he sobered. "I just seem to mess everything up. My investigation into Saren. My time on Omega. Both times you pulled me out of the fire. But I mess things up with you?" He stared at her, curling his claws around her face. "I don't know what I'd do."

Now that he had opened the floodgates, it all came pouring it, "When we first met, I admired you. Idolized you. Then, as the hunt went on, and you began to teach me, I never really saw myself as your student. I just saw that I had a lot to learn and you could show it to me. Show the universe to me. Fighting beside you felt so right. I belonged there, with you in battle. I belong here. All the way to the end. I never want to be anywhere else. We're going to survive the Omega 4 relay, Elrika. We're going to make it back. We're going to destroy the Reapers. And along the way… along the way I just want to be with you. Afterwards, we find a small island on a garden world and retire for the rest of our lives, but for now… just let me stay beside you."

"Sounds like a plan," she whispered.

"But, for now." He rose to his feet and adopted the tone of a turian parent lecturing its child. "It is time for you to rest. Something tells me that walking through a derelict Reaper will not be a simple matter."

"Not like fighting through a classy antique store?" Elrika looked up at him.

"Nope." He shook his head. "Go rest, Elrika."

"Come with me."

Garrus stilled, staring down at Elrika. His breath seized painfully in his throat. "You…"

"Just… sleep. Rest. Before the battle."

"They'll see me come down from your room, Elrika."

"I don't care," she said. "I kind of want them to."

Garrus let out a turian rumble of contentment and lowered his head, pressing his brow plate to her forehead. A turian kiss that sent thrills through his body. _I love you_. He willed her to hear the words. _I love you. I love you_.

When her lips touched his mouth, he thought he might have heard them in her own voice. But perhaps it was his imagination. In that moment, Garrus finally had what he wanted most in all of the galaxy.

And in that moment, at the thought of losing her, he realised what fear truly was.

**~}{~**

_Thank you for reading Chapter 7 of _Gestalt_. If you have time, please leave a small review. They keep me going._


	8. We Stare Into The Abyss

**Warning**: Infrequent coarse language, WAFF

**Chapter Last Edited**: 17/11/11

**Chapter Eight:**

_We Stare Into The Abyss_

**~}{~**

**Collector Base**

+_Garrus_!+

His shoulder was shoved back and a hand flattened against his torso, trying to find the damage. Puzzled by the lack of pain, Garrus also reached down and touched the point of inpact. To his infinite surprise and relief, the Collector round came off in his armoured palm.

_Spirits_… he was alive.

+_Bloody hell_.+ Elrika turned her head and buried her Death Mask against his shoulder. +_Don't scare me like that_,+ she whispered on a private channel.

Uncaring on who might see, he threw his arms around her and held her close. Words could not describe the relief he felt at the knowledge that he was alive, nor the abject horror of the thought that he was dying. With the removal of the immediate danger of combat and the realization that he wasn't about to die, the adrenaline faded from his system and left him shaking. It was instead replaced with bone-deep, searing pain as his little wounds began to clamour for attention. His muscles ached fiercely and the agony was so great that he didn't even think he'd be able to pass out.

Together they sank to the ground and he sprawled back against the structure behind him as Elrika knelt beside him, her back to the rest of the group. Elrika popped the seals of her helmet and pulled it off with a sound of discomfort. He winced when he saw her face. There was bruising on one cheek where her head must have met the inside of her helmet violently. Blood flowed from under her bronzed hair. Her green eyes were dull with pain and exhaustion. Primal instinct had him wanting to draw her into his arms, to let her sleep against his chest as he watched over her with a predator's awareness. He wanted to have a military issue talon in his claws, ready to butcher anything that tried to take advantage of her exhausted vulnerability.

She would find that thought funny.

"Casualties," Elrika said over shoulder, not moving away from him. He took the chance to curl his hand around her upper arm, not wanting to let her go.

"None," said Miranda.

"Aint that a fuckin' miracle?" said Jack. "I was sure we were dead."

"There is time for that, yet," said Thane.

"Aren't you a goddamn ray of sunshine?"

Elrika gave him a smile. "Knew you could do it."

His chest swelled with pride and he nodded to her, and then turned to take stock of the situation. Samara was kneeling beside Grunt as she and Tali attended to his horrendous face wounds. The fact that the krogan was allowing them to do so was a testament to how badly he was injured. Jack was sprawled on her back off to one side, arm thrown over her face, shoulder covered in medigel. Thane was sitting off to one side, his head down and his eyes closed. Legion had his assault rifle in his hands, keeping watch over the exhausted organics. In fact, everyone had a gun either in their hand, or close by, prepared for anything. Resting in enemy territory was always a dangerous thing to do.

Miranda limped to Shepard, her face wound already closed from an infusion of medigel. She offered some to their commander.

He watched Elrika push it away. "Save it."

"Shepard…" Miranda made a protest, but he didn't bother. She wasn't being heroic. She knew her limits. If she needed the medigel, she would take it.

"It'll heal," Elrika said, forcing herself to one knee. "I'll be fine."

Miranda nodded and passed it to him as Elrka heaved herself to her feet. Knowing not to underestimate the damage taken to him, he inserted it into his hardsuit's first aid interface. Instant, sweet relief bathed his body. His quiet moan drew a pained grin from Shepard and she lifted his hand, pulling him to his feet. He overbalanced and almost fell into her, but managed to catch himself at the last second.

"Shepard. I don't know how much longer we can keep this up," he said.

Elrika put one hand on his chest, patting gently. "Almost there, Garrus. Look."

He followed her nod and saw the thick, heavy tubes that the liquefied humans had been funnelled through were concentrated on the roof above them. They disappeared into a distant chamber, at the end of a vast tunnel.

"Ah. The final fight. Those are always easy."

She patted his back, keeping her eye on their destination, and he placed a hand on the back of her head. A hug, all too brief, but a hug nonetheless. But then she was pulling away and he felt an aching coldness where she had stood, even though warmth would not have translated through their hardsuits.

"EDI," she said as she approached a platform. "Status."

+_Mordin's group has just arrived, Shepard. No casualties_.+

He watched Shepard's shoulders sag with relief. Then her head was up and she was in 'leader mode' once more. No weakness. No hesitation. She couldn't afford it.

"Alright people," she said. "This is it. End game." She turned and sat her backside on a platform, wiggling onto it without any grace and rolling to her feet. "It's only a matter of time before they get through that door."

As if her words were not enough, Joker radioed through in that instant, +_Shepard. You got a problem. Hostiles massing at the door. Won't be long till they bust through._+

Elrika glanced at the door, and then turned to the group. "A rear guard can hold this position and keep the Collectors from overwhelming us." He saw the cogs turning in her head, and Miranda's next words were utterly unnecessary.

"Pick a team to go with you, Shepard. The rest of us will stay here and cover your back."

He watched the dark resignation appear on her face. She would take a team to death, and leave the rest to die. He knew she wouldn't be lamenting that she had lead them to their doom, they had agreed to come, but the sadness in her eyes was painful for him to see. Again the desire to take her in his arms returned and he fought hard to push it aside. It was not the time or place for that, and he was not even sure that would be what Elrika wanted. Elrika was not a turian female. Hell, she was not even a conventional female.

She was Elrika Shepard and she defied every definition one might apply to her.

Female. Human. Soldier. Commander. Spectre. Hero.

She was all of those things and more in that moment as she looked at each of them, weighing up who to take and who to leave behind. Someone may die based on her decision. They all may die based on her decision.

They may fail based on who she decided to leave behind, and who she decided to take.

He saw that moving behind her luminous green eyes clearly.

"Alright," she said quietly. "Thane."

The drell made an effort to appear as though he was fresh and ready for battle as he hopped nimbly up beside Shepard. Though he had taken relatively little damage compared to the other, the set of the assassin's shoulders was almost the equivalent of one of them gasping for breath. He kept himself under rigid control, as always, but he wondered how far Thane had pushed his biotics.

He understood why Shepard had chosen Thane. He was good for keeping the enemy off Shepard as she focused on the primary threat. He was nimble, quick and versatile, able to switch from a sniper rifle to a machine pistol and back with minimal difficulty. He could fight armed and unarmed, close and long distance. That was what she needed in the fight to come. He would be wasted in holding the line.

Her gaze swept the others and he knew she was weighing them up. He functioned well with Thane, watching her back, but she would trust him to lead them again to hold the Collectors off. He would still be watching her back, but not in the way he wanted.

But who would replace him? The other member of the team was interchangeable, though Thane was usually her choice, but Garrus had always been with her. Always.

Legion, perhaps, would suffice. His rifle would be effective and his biomechanical body did not exhaust like the others, even if he did not fare in close combat as well as, say, Grunt. But Grunt would be best left behind, a battering ram against which the Collectors could dash themselves to death. Tali should also stay behind, simply because the danger to her would increase if Shepard took her into a situation where cold, hard brutality might be required. Not that it mattered. They were all likely to die in the coming moments.

She would not take Miranda. She never took Miranda. But even so, Thane had biotics covered and Miranda was not good enough in a firefight against what might be an overwhelmingly powerful enemy. Samara would have been a good choice had Elrika not already chosen Thane. As it was, the biotics the asari wielded would be better suited for the Collectors that would be coming at their backs. That went with Jack, as well. Her brute force and brutal fighting style would be more effective at her back than in the battle beside her.

Mordin had returned to the Normandy, but he knew the salarian would not have gone with Shepard. Not enough firepower. Not enough defence power. Just not enough power.

Jacob was the first casualty of the mission, but he was not likely to be the last.

Legion. She would pick Legion.

She would trust him to lead the team that remained behind. He had endured on Omega and he knew that's what she would be thinking. Impossible odds, weathering the damage. Surviving against all opposition. Everyone would listen to him and he could keep his head in a fire fight.

It was logical, really.

He clenched his claws. He didn't give a shit about logic. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to be at her side, bleeding with her, dying with her if necessary. Damn it, he had lost two years with her and had only gotten her back for five months.

How could he possibly let her go knowing he might never see her again?

**~}{~**

**Abandoned Cerberus facility, twenty hours earlier**

Garrus glanced up long enough to catch the thermal clip tossed to him. Slamming it into his assault rifle, he drew back the slide and fired off controlled bursts into the oncoming hoard of desiccated, reanimated husks coming at them. Over his shoulder, Elrika was firing her sidearm, aptly named the hand cannon, and downing a husk with each shot. Her Revenant machine gun lay ready by her knee with a small pile of thermal clips, waiting for the moment when accuracy had to be forsaken for sheer power. At that time, Elrika and Garrus would switch places, as he took up his high powered Mantis sniper rifle, downing husks in single, powerful shots of his armour-piercing rounds. Though the Vindicator had higher rate of fire, Garrus' near-to flawless accuracy rendered the Mantis far more useful.

+_Tali. How are we going with those security controls_?+ Despite the urgency of their situation, Erika kept her voice level and controlled. Screaming at the quarian engineer, regardless of how easy it would be, would only serve to further deepen her distress. Had it been anyone else, though, Elrika would have blown out their eardrum.

+_Thane and Jack are freed, Shepard_.+ Tali's voice was trembling with anxiety, but firm.+_They are making their way back to the ground floor as we speak. I'm working on disabling the security locks on the elevator behind you, but they are the strongest in the facility._+

+_What about the AI_?+

+_Legion has interfaced with the facility's central processing network and it is attempting to disable the AI's connection with the facility's security system. But that was almost twenty minutes ago, Shepard, and it hasn't moved since_!+

+_He won't let us down, Tali. Relax._+ Elrika went eerily silent as Garrus failed to stop a husk from slipping past him and charging at Elrika. He knew better than to turn his back to the hoard, he knew that Elrika could handle herself, but that didn't stop the screaming instinct to leap to her protection. Then the head of the husk went bouncing away and Elrika opened her comm channel again. +_Just take it slow and easy, Tali. We don't want to piss anything else off_.+

The AI – which they now knew was an EDI prototype - had been disabled in a desperate last-ditch effort by the Cerberus facility's staff several months back to stop it from killing them, having judged them 'biological hazards'. Unfortunately, that apparently released the containment seals on whatever actual biological hazards the facility had housed, leaving the personnel at the mercy of the husks, which were now attempting to kill Garrus and Elrika.

"Clip!" he called, ejecting his super-heated thermal clip in the direction of the husks. It caught one in the gaping wound of its throat and burnt the flesh around it into super-heated atoms and steam. Garrus glanced back and snatched the next thermal clip from the air, hammering it home and proceeding to make it count.

But the hoard kept coming.

They were down to their very last thermal clips, and Garrus could see hundreds of the things climbing up the debris to try and get them.

+_Check out a facility he said_,+ came Elrika's bitter voice in his ear. +_Valuable Cerberus research, he said. Why the fuck didn't he say anything about a giant kill pits filled with zombies_?+ Elrika downed three husks with her last three rounds and ejected her clip. +_We better not die in here, Garrus. You hear me_?+

"Stop cursing and shoot, Shepard," he bit out, smashing a husk over the face and sending it spinning away. Stomping on its head to kill it, he backhanded another, sending it tumbling backwards down the slope of debris.

The facility was a long-abandoned Cerberus peripheral research facility. When asked to elaborate, the Illusive Man said that 'peripheral' meant they tested the tests used to establish the effectiveness of Cerberus' main projects. It was fully self-contained and self-operated, but after a few missed check-ins, the Illusive Man asked Shepard to investigate, if she was in the area.

Since she was in the area, and the Illusive Man had promised to forward a few tens of thousands of credits her way for the trouble, Shepard agreed.

Reluctantly.

What they found on the planet was a ghost facility. Everyone missing, and no bodies. The facility itself was a total of thirty-seven floors – fourteen going up, and twenty-three going straight down into the planet's surface. Elrika called down extra personnel, leaving Jack and Thane to head up, Tali and Mordin at the main computer with Grunt watching over them, while she and Garrus headed down.

That turned out to be a bad idea.

What they were standing on was a haphazard pile of twisted metal that had once been a walkway that spanned the entirety of the pit they now stood in. When something had kicked what they now knew to be the facility's security AI awake, every door in the vast facility locked tight and couplings holding the walkway in the air blew into shards of metal, sending Shepard and Garrus tumbling into the pit, which had been, at the time, nothing more than a pitch black void.

When they regained consciousness, they were unable to see a damn thing, and were unable to contact any of the others who were in the facility; Tali and Mordin working through the facility's central processing back, Grunt watching over them, or Thane and Jack who were scouring the upper levels.

Only within the last few minutes had communication been restored, long after Elrika and Garrus discovered that they were not alone in the pit.

Fighting in the dark had not been fun, but neither was seeing the full scope of their enemy's numbers when Tali finally managed to squeeze some power into the lower-level lights.

+_Shepard-Commander. Facility's AI has been neutralized._+

+_Well at least that's one less thing trying to kill us_.+

Garrus nodded in agreement with Elrika's comment and laid low another husk.

Apparently the facility's AI had gone hostile on the Cerberus crew, or classified them as hostile biological organisms, and lured them all into the pit that Elrika and Garrus now stood in. How they had turned into an army of husks was anyone's guess. With the introduction of new 'hostile biological organisms', it was attempting to fulfil its programming restraints to its fullest capacity.

Since that meant that it was trying to kill her crew, Elrika ordered Tali and Mordin to pull the plug on it. To Garrus and Elrika's infinite approval, Tali had already summoned Legion from the _Normandy_, and set the geth to work doing just that. It was the reason she had been able to restore communication and turn on the lights.

+_Creator Tali'Zorah has overridden the security controls. However, the access elevator is on the fourteenth level, and there is a transit time of forty two point eight seconds_.+

+_That sounds like just enough time for us to get down there._+

+_There's something else you should know, Shepard._+

+_Is it integral to our immediate survival, Tali_?+

+_I… n-no…_+

+_Then it can wait_!+ bit out Elrika, holstering her hand cannon. +_Garrus_!+

Garrus compressed his assault rifle and stepped back. The husks flowed faster, like a deadly tide no longer blocked by a dam. Unholstering his sniper rifle, he brought the scope to his eye as Elrika tucked her boot under the butt of her Revenant Machine Gun. Flicking it up enough for her to grab it, she hefted it and the two of them fired off a concussive round each, knocking the closest husks back. Then Garrus turned and backed out of the field of fire as she scythed a path through the husks, toward the closed and locked elevator doors.

+_Go_!+

Garrus leaped down from their vantage point, crushing a crawling, legless husk beneath him. Kicking another side, he ran through the gap that Elrika cut for him, climbing through some broken debris and computer consoles to reach the elevator doors. Spinning around, he brought up his rifle and dropped a husk, reloaded, and took down another. A moment later Elrika landed on their dessicated bodies and charged toward Garrus. Husks leaped at her, but Garrus poured every round he had into them, until he was out of thermal clips.

Then they were on her.

She dropped and slid, feet first, to a stop on one knee. Bringing up her machine gun, she sprayed the husks around her as she moved back to her feet, using her momentum to keep her going. One, however, managed to survive the barrage and leaped on her, making her stumble. Another grabbed her leg and began beating at her helmet.

+_Elrika_!+ Garrus was left watching helplessly as her kinetic barrier sparked and died, but she activated her omnitool and her geth shield interface blossomed to life and, with a heave, she tossed the husks off of her. With no time to properly compact it, Garrus dropped his sniper rifle to his feet and opened fire with what remained of his thermal clip in his assault rifle.

Elrika grabbed a toppled console and hauled herself up and over it, rolling to her feet on the other side. Her Revenant fell to the ground as a husk grabbed the back of her shield harness, pulling her back. In retaliation, she delivered a powerful elbow to its mouth that shattered its jaw. Drawing her hand cannon with her off hand, she shoved the barrel into the ruined mess of its face and blew the back of its head out. Another one reached for her and she reached back, grabbing its arm and yanking it forward. Once its head was in reach, she grabbed the back of its skull and smashed it into a pulpy mess against the console.

Shepard's prowess with arms meant that sometimes Garrus forgot that her greatest skill was, in fact, hand-to-hand combat.

+_Where the fuck is that elevator?_!+

+_Twenty nine point three three seconds, Shepard-Commander_.+

It had only taken them ten seconds to get to the elevator? It had felt like an age.

Another husk reached over the console and Elrika tossed her hand cannon to Garrus as its fingers scrabbled at her armour. Wrapping her hands around its head, Elrika twisted left, then right, then wrenched its skull clear from its body. She backhanded another husk and, as it was sent reeling, Garrus put a round in its temple. Garrus then backed up to the wall beside the elevator as the husks spilled over the consoles, Elrika snatching up her Revenant and following him slowly as she cut down only those that managed to cross the fortunate barrier of consoles. All the while, she was muttering obscenities into her helmet.

Elrika Shepard did not like running from battle, but against overwhelming odds, with no thermal clips left, there was no other course of action.

"Shepard! I'm out!"

Elrika ejected a thermal clip from her Revenant. She patted the shotgun at the small of her back, reloaded and went back to shooting. +_Last one_!+

Garrus caught the shotgun as it dropped from its docking clamp, ejected its thermal clip and, after a thought, put it into his assault rifle instead of his sniper rifle. Bringing it to his eye, he shot at husk legs, trying to cut them off. It was no longer about killing them; it was about buying time.

And then they were out of thermal clips.

Elrika swung her Revenant hard across her body, literally knocking two husks flying, and separating a third from a good portion of its head. Compacting it and slapping it on her back, she drew back her fist and hammered a fourth, kicking at a fifth when it came at her back. Garrus returned his weapons to his back and waded in beside her, headbutting one and tossing aside another. One latched on to his arm and bit into his vambrace. Garrus grabbed its head in his hand and crushed it, flicking its body aside.

A tone sounded behind them and they both turned to see the elevator doors rush open.

+_Go_!+ Elrika pushed her way free of two husks, but another jumped on her, making her stumble.

Garrus, thoroughly fed up with the whole situation, sank his fingers into its back, wrapped his claws around its ribs and tore it off of his commander. Hurling it away, he wrapped his other arm around her waist, took two steps and threw her into the elevator. Then he dove right after her, sliding along the smooth floor on his knees and smacking the holo panel on the opposite wall as she came to a rolling stop next to him.

However, the elevator doors would not close if they detected biological material in the way, and as the first husk thrust its arm through, they retreated back into the wall.

"Fuck."

+_Tali! Override the safety protocols on the elevator! Close the doors_!+ Elrika scrambled to her knees, then to her feet, but Garrus was there first.

He drove his fist into the husk's sternum, used that to bodily lift it, and threw it back out of the elevator. A legless husk, missing one of its arms, managed to drag itself into the elevator and Elrika booted it in the face. But there was a wall of husks rushing at them, and if the doors were open much longer, they'd be trapped in the elevator with-

The doors slammed closed, and a husk hand went bouncing across the floor. Garrus and Elrika stared at it, the turian half-heartedly extending Elrika's hand cannon to the human. Elrika accepted it, holstered it, and then stomped on the hand, causing its twitching to stop. Garrus leant against the wall, head down, as he caught his breath.

"By the Spirits, Elrika. What the hell was all of that?"

He heard the hiss of the sealed environment of her Death Mask depressurising, but she didn't answer. Garrus looked up and saw her turn an incredulous look to him. A look that said '_I thought we were dead_.'

The next thing he knew they came together so sharply that their hard suits made an audible sound of impact as their mouths came together. Fatigue faded as something else surged through Garrus body. His arms wrapped around her tightly, dragging her close to his body. A single step had her pressed against the elevator wall and weeks of suppressed desires bubbled to the surface and spilled over. Garrus' mouth parted and he shuddered with visceral delight as Elrika's tongue touched his, brushing over his fangs. If his body was doing to reject any trace of levo-aminos, he would have begun feeling a faint tingling and numbing of the area, but since there was nothing, he threw caution to the wind. Grabbing Elrika's knees, he lifted her up, supporting her against the wall of the elevator, and-

+_GARRUS_!+

With a cry, he snapped his head to the side and clutched his ear. "Damn it, Tali."

Elrika hissed like a cat denied her prize and grasped his face – careful to be gentle of his wounded side – and leant in for –

+_Where is Shepard? Why isn't she answering her comm_?+

"She took her helmet off, Tali. Wait…" Garrus extricated himself from Elrika, who was venomously glaring at him. Lowering her to the elevator floor, he picked up her Death Mask and removed the communication unit from inside. Passing it to Elrika, he then wrapped his arms around her, dipped his head and buried his face against her throat as best as he could with her full hard suit on. Elrika instantly melted as she put her communications piece on her ear.

"Yes, Tali?" Covering it with her hand, she whispered at Garrus, "Next time I die, I'm kicking some cosmic ass. I'm trying to canoodle here after a near-death-experience and I get interrupted"

He laughed against her throat, one of his mandibles flaring to let his mandible brush down her pulse, drawing a shudder of delight from her. "Given our track record, Shepard," he said as he lifted his head, "we'll have plenty of chances to be interrupted after this."

"I hear you, Tali." She released her comm and shoved at him lightly when he went back to teasing her throat with his fangs. "Stop that."

Garrus laughed again as he drew her tighter, constricting the arm around her waist and forcing her against him. Although the pressure was not felt through his heavy armour, the effect was not diminished on his psyche. Nor on Elrika's, by her quiet gasp.

+_Shepard… Keelah, Shepard._+

"Tali? What's wrong?" Shepard pushed Garrus up and he went obligingly, his desire chilled by the horror that echoed in Tali's voice.

+_The _Normandy_…_+

The door indicator light turned green and Garrus turned, keeping one arm around Elrika's waist, as the door opened, revealing Thane, Legion and… Jacob and Miranda, who were supposed to still be on the _Normandy_.

_Crap_… Garrus tightened his grip on the back of Elrika's shield harness as he felt her go rigid. Thankfully she did not try and jerk forward, but hostility radiated from every pore on her body.

"What the hell are you doing planet side?" she snarled, causing the cloned woman's brows to draw together.

"I wanted to see what necessitated almost the whole team being deployed." Miranda's expression went from slightly hostile to grim.

"You didn't want to check on your pet project?"

"Elrika," Garrus said quietly.

Miranda's face contorted with confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Elrika shrugged Garrus' hand off as she approached Miranda. "Mordin found some interesting things in the logs here, Miranda. This facility was experimenting with reanimating dead tissue with full functionality. Like it had never died."

Miranda's highly developed brain obviously instantly grasped the implications of those words and her eyes widened. "What?"

"Oh, don't pretend like you don't know," snarled Elrika. "Mordin told us when we were down in that charnel pit. They killed varren and those weird space cow things with arms and then tried to bring them back. Then they taught new varren and space cows tricks, killed them and brought them back to see if they remembered the tricks. Sound familiar? This was a baby Lazarus Project!"

"Impossible," dismissed Miranda. "All of the Lazarus experiments were overseen personally by me. It was _my_ program."

"Then you must have known about this," said Elrika. "This facility tested prototypes and they _failed_, Miranda. That pit was full of what I would have become if you failed."

Garrus had thought exactly the same as he shot husk after husk, but hearing it being said made his hands curl into fists. He stepped up behind Elrika and stared at Miranda, who was not losing her composure in the slightest. Had he not known her better, he would have thought she was simply being an accomplished actress, but he did know her better. For that matter, though, so did Elrika. Garrus dropped his chin and examined the back of her head.

"Everything to do with the Lazarus Project existed with my approval and knowledge, Shepard!"

Elrika flung her arm wide. "Then explain this facility to me!"

"That's not important right now, Elrika!"

"The hell is isn't," snapped Elrika. "First of all, I didn't call for you. Or you," she said, pointing at Jacob, who offered no reaction to Elrika's words. Following his request to find his father, Jacob and Elrika had apparently had a falling out of sorts, and had rarely spoken since. She had never given Garrus the specifics of it and Garrus hadn't asked.

"You didn't call for Legion either-"

"Tali made the right ca- Tali." Elrika spun away from Miranda and rushed down the hall to the control room, and Garrus was two steps behind her. The doors hissed open and Tali, Mordin and Samara turned from the console. Instantly the young quarian began wringing her hands, hurrying over to Elrika's side.

"Shepard, I am so sorry. I must have triggered the AI when I was trying to clear the security for Mordin. If it hadn't been for me -"

"Don't worry, Tali." Elrika gripped her upper arms. "You didn't do anything wrong, alright? If you couldn't avoid the AI, no one could. And you did the right thing calling Legion."

Tali nodded jerkily, glancing at the geth in question, and then looking back at Elrika. "What you said was right. About the quarians and the geth… I mean. I thought if we could work together… Your life is more important than a grudge that isn't even mine to…"

"Tali. Slow down. It's okay. You did good."

"I… I did?"

"You did."

"Shepard!"

Elrika hissed and turned on Miranda, cat like green eyes flashing with rage. "_What_?"

"We have more important things to worry about right now!"

Garrus glanced around and saw at once the grim expressions on everyone's faces. Well. Grimmer than usual in some cases. Instantly he felt in his gut the same sensation that seized him when he stood at the place Sidonis was meant to meet him and found no one; that something was terribly wrong. Looking at Elrika, he saw her come to the same conclusion, releasing Tali and turning to face the rest of the group.

"What the hell did I miss?"

"Shepard. I'm sorry. Miranda's right-"

"The _Normandy_ is gone, Shepard," said Miranda.

Elrika went from zero to pissed the fuck off in point three seconds, all hint of desire fading into nothingness. "What do you mean the _Normandy_ is_ gone_?" There was real fear in her voice, and Garrus shared her quiet terror that the Collectors had destroyed their new home just as they had the old one.

Legion tilted his head, panels fluttering. "Creator Tali-Zorah was able to augment the facility's long-range scanners. After disabling the facility's AI, we interfaced with the facility's computers and detected signs of significant discharge from the _Normandy_'s FTL drive."

"Joker made an FTL jump?" said Garrus. Then he shook his head. "He would never have left us here, Shepard. Something must have happened."

"No shit."

"We also detected residual heat left from engine discharges of a second vessel, and the FTL signatures of a second jump. Origin of second vessel is unknown."

"From what we can tell," said Jacob, "whatever ship it was dropped right on the _Normandy_'s head."

"The Collectors," bit out Elrika, her fist clenching tightly in barely repressed rage. Elrika's face was mask of wrathful, murderous desire and killing intent. He had seen that face only a handful of times, but it was etched deeply in his memory. When Elrika got that expression, whoever it was focused on died.

Without exception.

Garrus stepped closer to her, not touching, but letting her know he was there. She glanced at him, and then away.

"Has to be. I'm afraid the friend or foe signal may have had some kind of a-"

"Miranda, shut the _fuck_ up." Elrika rounded on her, finger pointed. "Alright? First of all, you shouldn't even fucking _be_ here. You just came here because you were being excluded from the mission and for a damn good reason. You _weren't needed_. Not because I didn't want you here, not because I have some personal grudge against you, alright? It's because I could not make use of your abilities. But instead of respecting my judgement, you decided to flaunt your egotistical self-righteousness that means that the _Normandy_ was left totally defenceless and leaderless in an emergency situation. Had you actually acted like a fucking first officer, we might have some inkling of what the _fuck_ just happened!"

"I-"

"I don't give orders for no goddamn reason," Elrika pointed at her. "If I wanted you planetside, I would have called from you. Don't disobey me again."

Miranda's face tightened with anger. "I am-"

"_Not in charge_," Elrika finished. "I am. Let's remember that, okay?"

"Elrika."

She snapped around, focusing on Garrus. "What?"

Unfazed by her rage, he reached out and touched her arm. "It's okay."

"Are you _defending her_?"

"Absolutely not." Garrus shook his head emphatically. He reached out and grasped her other arm, turning her to him. "But this isn't helping."

She stared up at him, jaw working, eyes narrowed with rage. He knew why she was angry and, in truth, Miranda was merely a factor, not the cause.

Legion's head plates fluttered again. "Shepard-Commander. Long range scanners are picking up something"

Garrus released Elrika as she stepped back, rubbing her face with her hands. "What is it? Did we wake up more husks? Did the Collectors land? Did dark space just shit out a Reaper?"

Garrus had to agree. How could things possibly get worse?

"We are receiving a long-range transmission from EDI."

"EDI?" When Legion hesitated, Shepard snarled viciously, "_Well_?"

"We… lack consensus on how to deliver the message, so we shall simply replay it." EDI's voice emerged from Legion a moment later.

Garrus felt his stomach hit his toes as every one of the group reacted viscerally to the words. Tali's hands flew to her face, Samara's eyes widened, Thane dropped out of his ready stance, Jack swore vilely, Jacob joined her, Grunt smashed his fist into the wall beside him and Miranda went pale.

Elrika's reaction was far more violent.

"_THE FUCK DID SHE JUST SAY_!"

**~}{~**

**The **_**Normandy**_** SR2, ninety minutes later**

Garrus looked up as the door to the communications room opened, permitting Miranda inside like she had just come from a thorough search of the ship to confirm what Joker had told them. Garrus thought it was absurd. The moment he walked aboard and didn't see Kelly at her spot, he knew.

They were gone.

"Everyone? You lost everyone? And damn near lost the ship too?"

"I know!" snapped Joker, who was sitting dejectedly on the debriefing room table. "I was here!"

"And don't even get me started about unshackling a damned AI."

"What was I supposed to do against Collectors?" snapped Joker. "Break my arm at them?"

"Leave him alone, Miranda," said Garrus sharply, pointing at Miranda. "Cerberus put EDI on this ship in the first place and Joker did everything in his power to keep this crew safe. What did you do?" Garrus glanced over to see the surprised expression on Joker's face. He spared a moment to wonder at it, but then Miranda rounded on him, her own face thunderous with rage.

"You-"

"Miranda, bite your goddamn tongue," snapped Elrika without looking at her and, surprisingly, without real heat. "Or we'll find out if genetically perfect noses break as easily as normal ones." The Commander was leaning against the rail, her arms folded over her chest as she stared at Joker.

Miranda drew in a shuddering breath of rage, but obeyed. Garrus knew now was the worst time to mess with Elrika. She was no longer fiery hot – she had become cold and calculating. She was discarding mercy, humanity and compassion; she was out to do damage and in the most excruciating way possible.

Her next words were directed at Joker. "I'm not going to ask if you're okay. You're obviously not. But I am going to say this: we're going to get them back, Joker. Every single one of them. And the Collectors will die for this. I'll slaughter them all."

"I know it, Shep. I just… I'm sorry."

"Nothing you could have done. It happened. Move on."

Joker nodded, but obviously it was easier said than done.

"Shepard," said Miranda. "It's likely that the Collectors did this deliberately to draw you into acting hastily. It's obviously a trap."

"I don't want to hear any BS about traps from you or anyone from Cerberus. Not after what the Illusive Man pulled with me." Finally Elrika turned towards Miranda, her head canted down and her face darkly predatory. "And I know this is a trap. It doesn't take genetically enhanced intelligence to see that. Just common sense and a bit of soldier experience. Thanks though, Miranda, you're unbe-fucking-lievably helpful. What would I do without you?"

"I know you're pissed right now, Shepard, but taking it out on me is unfair."

Elrika let out a harsh laugh and shook her head. "I'm pissed about a lot of things, Miranda. Would you like me to make a list? The top twelve things are about what's _unfair_. Top of the fucking list is bringing me back from the dead." Elrika walked to Miranda and stood toe to toe with her, nose to nose, so close they could have kissed. The air between them thrummed with ice and electricity. "You seem to think that I owe Cerberus for bringing me back. Let's get this straight. _I don't_. I didn't ask to be brought back, but you did it anyway, risking turning me into a fucking zombie, I might add. So here's me, back and running this fucking show, so you, the Illusive Man and all of Cerberus can just get the _fuck_ out of my way." With that, she spun away, staring at the table, eyes narrowed.

Miranda opened her mouth but Garrus caught her eye and shook his head. She fell silent.

"And I'm not going to avoid the trap, either. I'm going to spring it."

"Shepard…"

"We're as ready as we're going to be, Jacob," said Elrika. "And our crew is probably dying as we speak. I might have been able to sleep knowing that every second wasted was another ten thousand lives gone, but this is different. These people directly depended on me. And this is a direct challenge to me. The Collectors feared me enough to try and kill me, and that was by reputation alone. I'm about to give them a _reason_ to be afraid." She looked at the glowing orb of light at the end of the table. "EDI. How far are we from the Omega relay?"

"Eleven hours, thirty-nine minutes, Commander."

"How much of a head start does the Collector ship have on us?"

"Two hours, twelve minutes."

"Joker."

"Yeah?"

"Cut that in half. Then go get some sleep, alright? EDI. Relay that to everyone. Either they get six to eight hours of sleep, or I put them in a coma."

"Yes, Commander."

Elrika turned to the room. "Dismissed."

Jacob saluted and left willingly enough after a salute. Shepard was right, he was a soldier through and through, and whatever had passed between them had reduced them to a pure subordinate-superior relationship. Mordin went as quietly as he had been during the entire meeting. Joker hobbled out miserably. Miranda and Elrika stared at one another. The Cerberus Operative's eyes broke the stalemate and flickered to Garrus. Then back to Elrika.

"You can say it in front of him."

Miranda sighed. "Shepard, I swear to you that I did not know what that facility held."

"I don't believe you."

"I don't _care_ if you don't believe me."

"Then why are you trying to convince me?" Glaciers held more warmth than Elrika's quiet voice.

"Because, I don't want this to destroy the trust we've built, Elrika. Tenuous trust, yes, but trust. I overstepped my bounds when I went to the planet, and I'm sorry. I should have trusted _you_ more. And I do trust you. To get this job done. And to do the right thing. I don't want to go through the Omega 4 Relay with this between us. We need to work together if we're going to succeed."

"Then you need to start listening to me," snapped Elrika. "I'm not doing it because I think I'm right, Miranda. I'm doing it because I know I am. I've been giving and taking orders for longer than you can even imagine. I know the difference between egotism and the right call. So start believing it. And maybe, _maybe_, I'll believe you went planet side in a lapse of egotism and not to check on your pet project."

Elrika stormed out of the debriefing room, somehow not losing the fury of her exit with the quiet, pneumatic hiss of the doors coming together behind her.

Miranda put her hand to her head and closed her eyes.

"She believes you."

Miranda looked up at the only other occupant of the room, apparently having forgotten Garrus was there. "What?"

He lifted one shoulder and drew his eyes from Miranda to the door. "She believes you. She doesn't want to. Nor does she want to trust you. It's easier for her if she dislikes you. Right now, though, it's easier for her to just be angry at everyone." Garrus smiled bitterly. "Because the person she's really angry at is herself. For not being here. For not protecting her people."

Miranda made a sound of amusement and Garrus looked at her. "You really are her second in command." Her voice was touched with amusement and… perhaps admiration? There was something bittersweet about it, regardless. "I'm betting she needs you right now."

"Maybe," he said, looking back at the door. "But I'm going to give her some space first. Safer that way."

**~}{~**

Garrus was able to give her seven minutes before he was throwing himself into the elevator. It was disconcerting not to see Rupert at his station cooking, or Chakwas reading up on the latest alien treatment methods. Tali was curled up at the mess table because not seeing Gabby and Kenneth had made her feel ill and, amazingly enough, Jack was sitting opposite her. Of the rest of the remaining team Garrus had seen nothing as he took the elevator directly to the Loft.

He didn't know what he expected to see until he didn't see it. The room was still pristine, no shredded sheets, no broken fish tank or display cabinet. No PDA's thrown everywhere, or paperwork ripped and crumpled. No broken bottles.

Then he heard the shower going.

After a hesitation, Garrus opened Shepard's bathroom door and instantly felt his heart break. Fully clothed, Elrika Shepard was curled up tightly in the corner of the shower as frigid cold water pounded on her body, plastering her hair to her head. Garrus reached through the icy spray and shut the water off, but Elrika didn't move. Kneeling down, he grabbed her upper arms, trying to uncurl her, but it was like she had been frozen into place.

"Let me go or I'll break your jaw."

Apparently her mouth was still working, though. Garrus let out a grunt as he planted his claws and hauled Elrika to her feet. She stumbled, drew back her fist, and Garrus simply deflected her blow past him.

"Stop it."

"I warned you!"

Garrus didn't bother to react to her rage as he grabbed her shirt. If she stayed in the wet clothes, she would get hypothermia. He needed- He jerked back to avoid the palm thrust to his chin, grabbed her wrist, spun her around and slammed her into the wall. Damn. She was really trying to hurt him. That alone showed him how deep she had descended into her dark psyche. She kicked back and he knocked her leg aside as she spun, driving her fist at his chest. He caught her wrist, preventing her from hitting his chestplate. It would hurt her more than it would him.

"Enough, Elrika," he said.

"Let _go_ of me, Vakarian," she spat, shoving at his chest and arm. "Piss off. Go back to the Main fucking Battery and calibrate something."

He scowled. "That was childish."

"_Childish_?" she practically screamed, and her hysteria took him by surprise. "Sure! Why the fuck not? After all the shit that I've been through, don't you think I deserve to be a little fucking childish!"

"Why? Because something happened that you couldn't prevent? Because these people are in danger and you can't save them _right now_? You're not a god, Elrika. You can't do these things you expect of yourself."

She lifted her hand to strike him and he caught her wrist, twisted her arm behind her and slammed her against the wall. Strangely he felt entirely calm, even though she was a seething ball of hatred. "You become a bad fighter when you're pissed, Elrika."

"I'm always pissed!"

Garrus released her and stepped back, and she spun, water flying everywhere. "No, no you're not. This is not you."

"You don't fucking know me!" She punched at him again and he grabbed her wrist again. Twisting her arm to expose her stomach, he kneed her in the sternum. As she was winded, he stepped back and flipped her over his hip and out into her room. Elrika landed on her back, winded, and Garrus stood over her.

"What don't I know, Elrika? That you make a decision after contemplating every option, outcome and consequence in a nanosecond? That you see a depth that few others do? That you own your actions and let others own theirs? That you will unflinchingly kill someone if duty calls for it or if they give you a reason to believe they deserve it, but you'll never let anyone else take that shot if you can help it?"

She flipped herself over, shot to her feet and tackled him. He flew back against the wall, his back smacking into it with enough force to snap his chin against his armour. She spun to backhand up and he brought up his wrist to block. Pushing her arm away, he planted his hands between her shoulder blades and shoved her off balance. Dropping down, he swept her feet out from under her, sending her sprawling on the wet floor. As she shoved herself to her hands and knees, Garrus amended his assumption; Elrika didn't want to hurt him, and it was the only time he had ever seen her enter close combat when she didn't want to hurt the recipient of her blows. It was like he was seeing an entirely different person. Rather than the brutal fighter she normally was, she telegraphed her moves, hesitated, pulled her punches, giving Garrus the advantage he needed.

Especially since, unlike Elrika, he was willing to hurt her if he needed to.

Stepping back as she pushed herself off the wet floor, he ducked under her roundhouse kick, and stepped out of the range of her back kick that followed. When she tried another kick, he caught her leg in one hand and stepped back again, pulling her off balance. Supporting her thigh with his other hand so he didn't break her knee or dislocate her hip, he turned and spun her off her feet, sending her flying through the air and landing on the bed.

He took a moment to think, _Nice throw._ Then he was walking down the steps into her bedroom.

"Are you telling me I don't know that you'll tell a council of aliens that look down on you to go fuck themselves after they stab you in the back, but sacrifice human lives to save them because it's the hard call you have to make? A hard call, just like all the others you've had to make and are still able to sleep easy at night, not because you don't feel bad, but because you know you can't change it and it had to happen? That you will leave a friend to die because you literally know _you have no choice_ and not irrationally destroy yourself with guilt?"

Elrika rolled off the bed, gasping for breath, and moved back toward Garrus. Warily this time. Her anger was lessening, and her control was returning. She swung a punch to his side, under one of his arms, where the armour was weak, and he trapped it against his flank. Twining his arm around hers, he grabbed her wrist as she tried to strike at his face, made easy because she truly didn't want to hit his scars. Letting his knees bend, he dropped to the ground, forcing her to follow him with a cry of pain. Spinning himself around on one knee, he slammed his foot down beside her hip as she was pinned on her back. Releasing her arms, he planted his hands on either side of her head and stared down into her eyes.

"Are you telling me that I don't know that you are strong, determined and far, far smarter than people might think? That you are a good person, but a hard one? And that you are the one people hate because _someone_ has to do the dirty work, and you are willing to do it? You are willing to make the hard decisions. Even if it kills you inside."

As he spoke, he silently implored her to listen. To hear him. To let herself be as he had been so many times with her; vulnerable, weak, despairing.

Her face was a steely mask, giving away no emotion, and that alone showed him that she was once again in control.

Garrus cupped her face in his hands. "There is nothing about you I don't know, Elrika. Nothing. I see you, the good and the bad. The Earthborn childhood running in a gang, the rapid ascent through the ranks of the Alliance, the acceptance of Spectrehood. I've seen you push a merc out a window and laugh as he screamed on the way down, and I've seen you hug a friend as she wept over the body of her father. I've seen you shed blood and sweat and tears for those you care for, and grin as you killed those you didn't. I have seen it all. And I love it all. And I'm telling you right now that Elrika Shepard does not hide in her bathroom and sulk under a shower."

The silence stretched and Elrika stared up at him, breathing harshly. Garrus shook his head and shoved himself to his feet.

"You're a bloody hypocrite. You get to save me, protect me, keep me safe, but I can't? Why? Because you're a better fighter? Older? Stronger? To hell with that. I want to do this with you, Elrika. I want to be with you. I want to share everything with you. But you need to meet me in the middle. And if you won't, if you won't even let me reach for you, if you won't acknowledge that I see all of you, and that you're not tricking me, or using me, or deceiving me, then this is over before it even began, and I'm wasting my time here." He stepped over her and walked up the steps, praying to the Spirit that echoed between the two of them, the Spirit that was theirs, to let her hear the truth of his words, and stop hiding, be it in herself or in a shower.

"I can't …"

Garrus stopped, but didn't look back.

"I've lived… so long by myself, Garrus… I don't know how…"

"Neither do I," he said, looking over his shoulder slightly. "But I want to try with you."

He heard her get to her feet and turned to see her push her wet hair from her face with shaking hands.

"Let me in, Elrika. You're protecting me, leading me, and I follow willingly. You have all of me." She turned to him and he was shaken to see tears in her eyes, but forged ahead regardless. "Let me in, Elrika. Let me have some of you…"

Elrika gave a broken laugh and two tears fell down either cheek. "Garrus. Don't you know? You have all of me. And that terrifies me. You do know me. You understand me. You beat the crap out of me to make me see sense. No one else would have done that. No one else would have succeeded…"

"To be fair, I didn't actually hit you."

"You kneed me!"

"A tap. Stop being so soft."

She laughed, short and almost hysterical, and then looked to one side, the laugh fading into a sob. Then the sob multiplied and she covered her face with her hands. Her throat tensed as she fought against her tears, her shoulders heaving with her stifled weeping. Garrus swore and stepped toward her, his arms enfolding her and dragging her into his chest.

"It's alright," he whispered into her hair. "You don't have to be Commander Shepard right now."

In that quiet space, in that stolen moment, Garrus Vakarian was the only person in the universe who would ever see Elrika Shepard break.

**~}{~**

He stroked her hair back from her face, tracing the back of one of his claws along her freckled cheekbone. Such a soft body, soft skin, encasing a heart stronger and more solid than any other he had ever known. He was blessed to have met her, honoured to be able to fight at her side, privileged to learn from her.

But there was nothing that compared to how it felt to be able to see her in her weakest moments. When she let down her guard and allowed the weight of everything to come crashing down on her. Garrus knew he would never be the traditional mate, the protector, because Elrika never needed protecting. Not in the conventional sense. She would go out, fight and kill regardless of her mindset or how her heart felt. But he would ensure that she would always have a place to return to, to curl up in, and let everything go, in those rare moments that she needed it.

He curled around her, tucking her sleeping form deeper into his chest, shielding her from the universe with his body. She twined her legs with his as she buried her face in his shoulder, sighing quietly. He would not sleep, he knew that much. He wanted to lie there forever, drinking her in, but combat – perhaps the final confrontation of their too short lives – was dawning, and time was not his to have. Was it ever really his? Had he ever held it, or was it simply gone too fast before his claws could grasp it? He didn't know, but he wasn't going to waste these precious few moments he had with her, not for sleep, not for anything.

"Elrika," he whispered, his mouth brushing her temple. "I lo-

**~}{~**

**The Collector Base, now**

"Garrus."

He was ripped out of his memory by his name, everyone around him taking a quiet breath of shock.

"What?" He looked up at her.

Shepard jerked her head to indicate he should join her on the platform. Behind her, Thane arched a brow ridge and smiled at him. He was struck dumb for a moment, not knowing what to do or say. Before he knew it, though, he was climbing up beside her.

"No where you'd rather, right?" she whispered as he passed.

He smiled. "No one you'd rather, right?"

As she turned to look at the team he had only eyes for her, and he felt everything fall into place, a calmness settling over him. There was no more question in his mind. No more doubt. It was simple fact; she would live, and he would live at her side.

He would not let her go. Not now.

He would stand before Death itself, in all of its personifications, and deny it.

She was _his_.

"I'm ready."

**~}{~**

_Nearing the end of it! Thank you so much for reading Chapter 8 of _Gestalt_! If you have time, I would very much appreciate it if you left a review! They keep me going._

_P.S. I may or may not be working on a sequel and prequel, depending on how life turns out for me in the next few weeks._


	9. I Will Never Let You Go

**Warning**: Infrequent coarse language.

**Chapter Nine**

_I Will Never Let You Go_

**~}{~**

The scion rocked backwards as a sniper rifle round bored through its face and blew out the back of its head, ending its feeble struggles. The sniper rifle barrel dropped and a turian boot planted on the shattered back of the twisted body and shoved it off the edge of the platform, sending it into the blackness.

For a moment, Garrus just stood there and stared down into the abyss, and then his head came up as he stared at the opening before them. It was no longer the beginning of the end. The beginning was when they spiralled into the Omega 4 Relay and prepared to find certain death upon arriving at the galactic core. Or, perhaps, the beginning was when the first Collector beam shattered the _Normandy_'s back and ripped his life away from him.

Or perhaps the beginning was when he turned in frustration from Executor Pallin and saw the catlike green eyes of a female who would become the most important person to him in the entire galaxy. Eyes that had he had followed for months, and then had followed him, haunted him, for two years. And came back from the dead to save him. A martyr for her cause, a hero of the galaxy, a woman unmatched in strength, courage and –

+_Thane, if you so much as _think_ about another platform coming in, I will shoot you._+

Garrus gave a snort of mirth and shook his head as he looked back to see Thane pick up a thermal clip and examine its remaining capacity, a look of amusement on his face. "Understood, Commander. I shall remember that next time a platform of scions and abominations are coming at your exposed flank." Thane walked to Garrus and they divvied up the clips between them.

+_Good. So long as we understand one another_.+

Garrus took Elrika's share of thermal clips and approached Commander Shepard, who was standing by the console protruding from the edge of the final platform that had landed. She dropped her gaze from the pipes above when he stopped beside her and then looked at the thermal clips. After a moment, she filled the ammo pouches on her shoulder and around her waist, jerking her chin at the roof above them.

+_This is it… all the tubes lead to this spot_…+

"Alright," he said. "Let's do this, then."

Elrika looked down at the console before them and didn't move. Garrus waited. When she still didn't move, he tilted his head.

"Elrika."

She reached up and she disengaged her Death Mask, pulling it off her head. Her sweat-slicked hair fell down her face, lined with exhaustion and worry. "I should be with them, Garrus. This is bullshit. The last time I left someone behind…"

Garrus reached out and wrapped his claws around her arm, pulling her away from the console. Elrika went willingly and he grasped her other arm, looking down at her. He said nothing, just stared at her. Finally, she sighed and nodded.

"I know. I know. It's just… it doesn't make me feel any better."

Garrus chuckled quietly and cupped her jaw and touched her forehead with his own. She grumbled quietly. "Shut up." Turning sharply, she activated the console that would take them further away from her team and perhaps send them directly toward what might be her second – and final – death. The Illusive Man would not be able to recover her body from the depths of the Collector base. Garrus cupped Elrika's head and tapped his mouth against her temple as the platform's magnetic clamps gave way and dropped a few inches before the internal gravity force compensated for the weight and carried them aloft.

"Good girl."

"I will shoot you, Vakarian."

Elrika pulled her Death Mask over her head as Garrus checked on Thane, seeing the drell was standing at the edge of the platform, examining the walls like the words of his gods were written into them. Patting Elrika's shoulder, Garrus made his way over to Thane, who turned to him and blinked both sets of eyelids.

"Are you alright?"

Thane glanced at Elrika around Garrus' shoulder, making it clear that his question was interpreted correctly. Looking up at Garrus, the drell nodded. "Yes."

Garrus smiled faintly. "Thank you."

"You two conquered death itself to be together, Vakarian. Who am I to stand in the way of that?"

He scoffed. "More like you didn't want to piss Elrika off."

"Neither did you," said Thane with a small smile. "I believe that is why you came to me in secret, is it not?"

+_Hey. Romeo and Juliet. You want to join me over here_?+ Garrus and Thane shared a smile and approached Elrika as the platform brought them to the end of the tunnel they were travelling along. +_EDI. What can you tell us? What are they doing_?+

EDI's response was immediate. +_The tubes are feeding into some kind of superstructure. It is emitting both organic and non-organic signatures_.+

Garrus glanced at the tubes, following them ahead to see that they vanished into a vast chasm coloured blue by some unseen source from above. A thick series of tubes dangled from something obscured by the roof of the tunnel they were travelling along, framing what looked to be a column of metal segments linked together. Garrus' eyes narrowed when he saw it. It looked… No. It couldn't be.

Elrika braced her hands on the back of the console and leaned forward, staring at the same thing.

+_Shepard. If my calculations are correct, the superstructure…_+

Garrus' didn't need to hear the rest of EDI's words as his jaw dropped and his mandibles flared wide with abject shock as he beheld the monstrous creation suspended before him, epitomising the impossibility of their task. Formed out of smooth metal, lit from both behind and within by blue lights and suspended from four, thick tubes that were fused to its structure… was a Reaper. A Reaper that bore a very distinct shape, because the thing that Garrus had seen hanging over the entrance was a _spinal column_.

+_Not just any Reaper…_+ Elrika grabbed her Death Mask, twisted to break the seal and pulled it off. Sweat-slicked hair clung to her cheeks as she stared up at the Reaper with a look of abject horror. "A _human_ Reaper."

+_Exactly_. _It appears the Collectors have processed tens of thousands of humans. Significantly more will be required to complete the Reaper_.+

"What do they gain by creating this Reaper shell?" asked Thane.

+_They may be facilitating the Reaper equivalent to reproduction. I do not have the data to speculate further. However, it is clear that the Collectors are merely pawns. The knowledge and the technology to create the Reaper is not their own. It is likely that different species construct each Reaper. In this case, the Collectors provide the labour._+

Reaper reproduction… Garrus sucked in a sharp breath.

"Why the hell does it look human?" exploded Elrika.

+_It appears that a Reaper's shape is based upon the species used to create it_.+

_Used to create_…Garrus' eyes jumped to the tubes that coalesced into the four massive cables that poured glowing, viscous fluid into the Reaper. The liquefied humans were flowing through those tubes. Flowing into the Reaper.

Elrika, obviously grasping at the straws of reason, of sanity, in the face of the insanity of the thing before them, snarled, "Reapers are machines! Why use humans at all?"

+_Incorrect. Reapers are sapient constructs, a hybrid of organic and inorganic materials. The exact construction methods are unclear, but it seems probable that the Reapers absorb the essence of a species; utilizing it in their reproduction process_.+

Elrika shook her head and stepped back. Garrus stepped up to her side, letting her back bump against his shoulder, just letting her know he was there. She lifted her chin, blinking rapidly, and stared up at the Reaper. "How…" He voice broke and she tried again. "How many more humans do you think they'd try to take?"

+_Millions. Perhaps more. Impossible to know for certain. This Reaper appears to be in a very early stage of development. An embryo in human terms_.+

Elrika shook her head and dropped her chin. "A baby Reaper. It's a fucking baby Reaper." Then her head rocked back on her neck. "Oh God." Garrus looked at Elrika, who was staring back at him, eyes wide. "This is their replacement back door. Their plan B." Clarity took over, chasing the fear from her vivid green eyes. Looking back at the Reaper, she said, voice hard, "The Reapers needed Sovereign to open the door, and we killed it. So now they need another Reaper to open the door. The Collectors killed the person that was the greatest threat. The only person who not only believed they existed, but had the means to oppose them. Me. And then they got to work making a new Reaper to lead the way into real space again."

"How many…?" The words were out before Garrus knew his mind had formed them. He was vaguely aware of Elrika and Thane glancing at him. "Sovereign. Harbinger. This. If millions of organic life forms are used to create them, how many have been taken over untold millennia? How many races had to die so these things could live?" Garrus shook his head and glanced at the body of the creature, and then back to the twisted head.

Elrika's face hardened into an expression Garrus knew well. Her Death Mask came up and slid over her head sealing with a pneumatic hiss. +_No more. None. I don't care what reason they have, or how small my brain is to be able to understand it._+ Her voice was quivering with rage. +_EDI. Find me a way to blow this thing to hell_.+

+_The large tubes feeding into the Reaper are a structural weakness. Shooting the tubes will cause them to break, and the Reaper to fall._+

+_An obvious structural weakness, huh? Hooray for a lack of common sense among the enemy._+

"Shepard. In lieu of your previous warning…"

Elrika and Garrus glanced at Thane, and then followed his arm to where he was pointing at an approaching platform.

+_As fun as shooting this thing down, it's gonna have to wait._+

Garrus unholstered his sniper rifle, brought it to his eye, and zoomed in radically. A blossom of light drew his attention and his aim.

+_We gotta take care of some old friends, first_.+

Garrus put two rounds into Harbinger's head before the platform had even connected, and then followed Thane, sliding on his knees into cover. Elrika hurdled over it beside him and dropped down into a more exposed, closer position, her Revenant unfolding as she went.

"**You will know pain, Shepard.**"

+_Not as much as you, asshole_.+

Twenty-six seconds later, Harbinger was nothing more than embers and smouldering particles drifting away as they burned to nothingness. Elrika, still on fire from one of Harbinger's attacks, smashed a Collector across the face with the butt of her machine gun and a concussive round from Garrus sent the repurposed Prothean spinning off the edge of the platform.

"Shoot the injection tubes!"

Garrus followed Thane's arm to see the protective casing over the tubes slide out of the way and the system resume funnelling the glowing fluid back into the Reaper. A thermal clip went spinning into the air and Elrika caught it, pivoting and tossing it to Garrus. Completing her turn, she let her Revenant hang from her left hand and drew her Hand Cannon in her right. Lifting her arm, she took aim at the vulnerable injection tubes.

Garrus shook his head. Hooray for a lack of common sense indeed.

Elrika squeezed off two rounds and immediately redirected her targeting, squeezing off two more. The first tube shattered easily, and the second one went a second later, gushing liquefied humans over the metal casing as it slid into place too late to be of any use. The Reaper sagged dramatically, hanging from one arm, the head lolling about in a disturbingly authentic manner. Garrus looked at it for a second too long, as a Collector particle beam struck his kinetic barrier. He dove into cover as Elrika ducked away, dropping down beside him. His kinetic barriers were at 16%.

"Ouch."

+_Do you know _how_ to duck, Vakarian_?+

"**Assuming direct control.**"

+_Ah man…_+

Elrika twisted and redirected her aim over Garrus' head. He watched her line of fire and, when she went to reload, swung around the cover and poured his entire thermal clip into Harbinger, who was approaching at speed. Garrus felt something yank on his armour and, in a display of strength that was not at all surprising, Elrika yanked Garrus away from Harbinger and into better cover.

"Stop spoiling my fun!" he shouted at her as he grabbed the thermal clip Thane rolled to him.

+_Ducking, Garrus. Work on it_.+

"Under fire!"

Elrika stepped out of cover and hit the Collectors firing on Thane with quick bursts of fire. Garrus grumbled into his commlink as he loaded his thermal clip as the Collectors shifted their attention to Elrika.

+_Thane! Warp_!+

Garrus watched the direction Thane fired his warp, and then rolled out of cover and onto one knee, aiming in the same direction. Garrus' stomach lurched when he realised that Harbinger was close enough to reach out and touch Shepard. The Collector general didn't do that, but Elrika did. Had Garrus not been in thick combat he would have smacked his palm against his face in a very human gesture of exasperation as Elrika grabbed Haringer's extended wrist as her body exploded into flames. Planting her feet, she yanked it over the protruding barricade, sending it sprawling on the ground. Elrika planted her foot between Harbinger's shoulders as Collector fire exploded over her body, her kinetic barriers exploding and dying in a shower of blue sparks. Swearing at her recklessness and stupidity, Garrus tried to down Collectors before they could kill Elrika. When he glanced back, he saw her body glowing from her geth shied boost as she emptied a thermal clip into the place where the struggling Harbinger's neck met its head. A solid stomp smashed its torso into ash.

Garrus put a round through the final Collector's head, leaving Harbinger nowhere to run.

"**This isn't over, Shepard**."

+_It will be when I blow your 'precious cargo' to scrap_.+

Garrus looked up at the Reaper. "Erika! The tubes!"

Elrika turned and lifted her Hand Cannon again. Garrus could hit a target with an enhanced, high-end scope at three thousand metres every time, when the most minute of adjustments to the gun could mean a misfire of dozens of feet, but Elrika could use a sidearm to aim at something more than seven hundred metres away, with an extended arm, wielding one-handed, in the thick of battle. By the Spirit of their companionship he loved her more than he could imagine, but damn if he wasn't jealous of her skill as the injection tubes exploded with two bullets each.

The fall of a Reaper was dramatic. It ripped away from its moorings, sagging forward. One arm dropped entirely as the cables snapped, whipping in every direction and causing more damage to the remaining cables. The sudden jolt of the weight being placed on the remaining cables quickly strained them beyond their limits and the Reaper fell. Garrus, Elrika and Thane stepped to the edge of the platform and watched it tumble away.

+_How do _you_ like it, bitch_?+

Elrika turned away after Thane, but Garrus lingered, staring at the eerie, blank eyes as they were swallowed by darkness.

A chill settled in his gut.

_Too easy_…

He looked over his shoulder as Elrika touched the side of her Death Mask. +_Shepard to ground team. Status report._+

As Jack radioed a reply, Garrus made his way to Elrika, who was now kneeling at the central control unit for the Collector Base's primary power source, protruding from the base of the command platform. Then his omnitool flashed to life and he glanced down.

"Elrika."

She glanced back and nodded, and Garrus keyed the transmission from the Illusive Man.

"_Shepard. You've done the impossible_."

Garrus snorted as Elrika responded. +_I'm not finished here yet. This base is ten minutes from extinction._+

"_Wait._" Garrus narrowed his eyes as Elrika glanced back."_I have a better option. I'm looking at the schematic EDI has sent. A timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors… but leave their technology intact._"

Garrus glanced at Thane and shook his head. The drell likewise looked slightly amused at the Illusive Man's audacity. Elrika might have been a shoot first, ask questions later kind of person, but she was most definitely not an 'ends justify the means' person. No way in hell would she trust the use of the Collector technology, not by her own hands and especially not the hands of one of the people she trusted the least in the entire galaxy. Slowly, dangerously, Elrika rose to her feet and turned to stare at the Illusive Man. He knew that pose. It was her, 'Are you fucking kidding me?' pose. Privately, Garrus hoped the Illusive Man would push the issue with Elrika.

He was not disappointed.

"_This is our chance, Shepard. They were building a Reaper. That knowledge – that framework – could save us_."

+_You're fucking kidding me. They kidnapped and liquefied thousands of humans here, and you want to _use this_? More than that, you think I'd a megalomaniac like you with it? I don't fucking think so. I came here to destroy this base and that's exactly what the fuck I'm gonna do._+

"_Think of the_-"

Elrika threw up her hand and the Illusive Man displayed an uncharacteristic moment of wisdom with Commander Shepard and fell silent. Garrus looked through the holographic projection of the Illusive Man as Elrika removed her Death Mask. Letting it hang from her hand, she stared through the holographic image of the Illusive Man at him. He tilted his head slightly and smiled, and she dropped her eyes to the man between them. "Fuck you. And have a nice day." Elrika turned back to the central control unit.

"_This base is a gift! We can't just destroy it_!"

"Watch me."

"_Shepard. You died fighting for what you believed. I brought you back so you could keep fighting. Some might say what we did was going too far, but look at what you've accomplished! I didn't discard you because I knew your value. Don't be so quick to discard this facility. Think of the potential_!"

Thane glanced at Garrus and the turian offered a helpless shrug. The man didn't know when to quit.

Elrika spun and pointed at the Illusive Man with such ferocity that Garrus recoiled slightly, because it was inadvertently directed at him. "_Wrong_. I died because an ancient, unkillable race of machine gods is scared shitless of me, and they have a damn good reason to be afraid. And you? You brought me back because you can't do what I can. You brought me back because you need me. And that was all without this facility. We don't need it, and I'm damn well not letting you get your hands on it."

"_Don't be stupid, Shepard! Your vengeance and hate for Cerberus_-"

"Oh fuck off. That has nothing to do with my decision. You thought you had power because you had more information. Well guess what, Illusive Man? This is ground zero and here I rule. Up until now, you wanted the same thing as me, which means that by getting what I wanted, you got what you wanted. Now you're about to find out what it's like when you want something different."

As the Illusive Man started to speak again, Garrus keyed the omnitool and cut him off mid-stream. Then he silently handed Elrika the det charge he had been carrying since the mission's start. She accepted it from him and, after a moment, looked up into his eyes.

He smirked at her. "Promise to give us enough time to escape safely this time, alright?" As she rolled her eyes and set the charge, Garrus glanced at Thane, who was examining a rip in his coat. "Everything she blows up always does it on our tail."

"At least she's consistent," observed the drell, straightening.

Elrika pushed the control core into the floor and slammed it into place with her boot. "Let's move. We've got ten minutes before the reactor overloads and blows this whole station apar-"

The platform shook violently and Garrus staggered sideways, his stomach lurching from inertia and dread.

"Please tell me that was due to some sort of malfunction of the platform," said Thane.

"We are never that lucky." Garrus looked at Elrika as her head slowly tilt back, her eyes wide with horror and her mouth hanging open. The sound of metal colliding against metal and a mechanical buzzing drew Garrus' gaze over his shoulder, and then up as well as the infantile Reaper towered over them.

"Fuck… me," whispered Elrika.

For the first time in a long time, Garrus' mind was totally blank with panic. It was a Reaper. A _Reaper_. They were exhausted, beaten mere mortals with guns that were not only running drastically low on ammunition, but would be little more than spitting on a nathak, and they were facing a spirits cursed Reaper that personally wanted to squish them between its fingers. Garrus realised that after everything, after reaching their goal, after almost achieving it, they really were going to die. At the hands of a baby Reaper.

Literally.

The Reaper balanced itself precariously on its arms, each impact almost knocking the three of them to the ground. Its spinal column lashed behind it like a tail as it braced itself and leant back. The appendages on the sides of the Reaper's face peeled away and the rotating mechanical apparatus it had for a mouth began to glow a violent red. Garrus' mind snapped from apocalyptic terror to the raw reality of combat as he, Elrika and Thane dove for cover. Their backs smashed against the raised protrusion of metal just as the strange beam of red light blasted over their heads, feeling hot on Garrus' skin. Elrika let out a cry of anguish as her Death Mask fell, bounced and turned into ash before her eyes.

"That was uncomfortably close!" he said and Thane nodded in frantic agreement.

Getting onto his knees, Garrus turned and peered over their cover as the Reaper slid backwards, the beam apparently displacing its balance. Thane and Elrika popped up beside him as it tried to pull itself up, and then fell out of sight, except for one hand clinging to the edge of one of the distant platforms.

"Holy shit," whispered Elrika. "Holy fuck. Holy shit."

"Platform!" Thane pointed and instantly their weapons filled their hands as the platform sailed from the distance and clamped magnetically onto the platforms right in front of them. They ducked away as fire splashed their hiding spot.

"What are we going to do?" Garrus called over the sound of ricocheting rounds.

"Kill it!" snarled Elrika.

Garrus' eyes widened as he nodded. "Okay. How?"

"I'll take care of the Reaper. You go for the Collectors. Harbinger is a priority target if he comes." As she crawled past Garrus, she smacked him in the chest. "The Nuke Chucker would be _real nice_ now, wouldn't it?"

"No," he said loudly, shaking his head. "No. No it wouldn't. You'd still find some way to kill us all."

"It's three hundred metres away!"

"You'd misfire."

"I never misfire!"

"It's back!" shouted Thane, pointing up as the Reaper's head loomed over their cover, its weight rocking the platforms. The appendages peeled back and its mouth began glowing again.

"Is that the beam of death Sovreign used on the Arcturus Fleet?" Elrika had to raise her voice over the Collector fire due to the fact that her comm link had been vaporised with her Death Mask.

"I'd say so." Garrus nodded, and then flinched when a ricochet bounced off his kinetic barrier.

"Why aren't we space dust?"

It was Thane that answered. "The Reaper is incomplete. Perhaps it is unable to generate the sufficient amount of power. It's operating at diminished capacity."

The beam washed over their position and all three of them registered a marked decrease in their kinetic barriers. To the single digits.

"I… wouldn't call that diminished capacity," said Garrus slowly.

"Why are the Collectors no longer firing?"

Garrus looked at Thane, and then turned to see Elrika poke her head out of cover. When it wasn't shot off, Garrus popped up beside her just as the Reaper fell back out of sight. Of the Collectors, there was nothing left; they had been directly in the baby Reaper's line of fire.

"Well," said Thane. "That was fortuitous."

"Stay here."

Garrus did a double take when Elrika threw herself over their cover and ran toward a distant platform. "Where the hell are you going?"

Elrika ignored him as she jumped down onto the lower platform and bent down. When she stood up, Garrus realised what she had gone for. Thermal clips.

The sound of crashing metal had Garrus and Thane turning sharply, as well as Elrika, as the platform directly beside Elrika's smashed into nothing, the tip of a spinal column arcing over it like a thresher maw rising from the ground.

Garrus and Thane stared blankly, unable to come up with anything as they stared at the massive coccyx.

Then Garrus' attention was focused on Elrika when he saw her stagger sharply, a massive shard of metal bouncing away, obviously having clipped her shoulder. Garrus' entire body went cold when he saw her Revenant drop from her useless fingers, her arm hanging limp at her side. The blow had been significant enough that even through her ablative-coated, reinforced armour, enhanced bone structure and musculature, geth shield boost and kinetic barrier, it had either broken or dislocated Elrika's shoulder. Without all of that, half of Elrika's body would have ceased to exist. She would have died.

Again.

Garrus shot to his feet, desperate to get to Elrika, but Thane's cry had him spinning.

"Platform!"

Garrus watched the platform come in and lock against the very platform that Elrika was standing on, firing before they even docked. As Elrika ducked out of sight, a Collector lifted into the air and exploded with fiery light. When Harbinger landed, Garrus saw that the weapon the Collector general had was a Particle Beam, and it was walking toward Elrika with it.

Swearing, Garrus shouldered his rifle and poured fire into Harbinger, desperate to kill it before it reached Elrika. But the Reaper-possessed Collector ignored Garrus' rounds, and there were too many other Collectors firing on Shepard's position.

Garrus was _useless_ from that distance, and Harbinger was getting closer to Elrika with every passing heartbeat.

"**Preserve Shepard's body if possible**."

Garrus clenched his fangs and borrowed one of Elrika's favourite terms. _Get fucked_. Garrus picked off a Collector after Thane destroyed its biotic barrier, but movement out of the corner of his eye had him looking back at Elrika. She was using her Hand Cannon in her off hand, but she couldn't get many shots off before she had to duck for cover again, her Death Mask no longer protecting her against instantaneously fatal headshots once her kinetic shield was breached.

But that was not what had caught his attention. Garrus' head craned up when he saw the monstrous appendage of the infantile Reaper reach up above the woman he loved, the metal digits looming directly over her. Swinging his rifle wide, Garrus shot to his feet and screamed her name in warning. Whether she heard Garrus or whether she saw the shadow or just happened to look up, Elrika saw the fingers in time and hurled herself away just before the digits smashed into the ground where she had been sitting. However, that sent her flying out of cover and instantly she was hit with a Collector Particle beam.

Elrika engaged her geth shield boost and fired back at Harbinger just as it drew back its fist and unleashed a flaming biotic attack on her. Elrika covered her head with her good arm as she exploded into flame. She couldn't hold it on her own with a useless arm. She was going to die.

"Thane!"

"Go! Just go!" Thane got to his feet and circled wide, drawing Collector fire and covering Garrus. He didn't even have time to thank the assassin as he threw himself over their cover and ran toward Elrika. High above them, the Reaper opened its mouth and charged its beam weapon.

Harbinger, not caring that his vessel was in the line of fire, struck Elrika with one of its black biotic-like blasts that sent her sliding well out of cover and landing on her front. Blood splashed along the ground beneath Garrus and he saw her fumble with a medigel shot. The only reason she would use it was if she was nearly fatally wounded.

Garrus' stomach dropped out as, amazingly, flashes of his life with Elrika danced before his eyes. Meeting her gaze for the first time, accompanying her everywhere thereafter, saving her life, being saved by her, running, fighting, laughing, touching, losing her, kissing her.

Harbinger leaped over the final cover and aimed its Collector particle beam right at Elrika's head.

She looked up, green eyes full of hate, daring it to bore a hole right between them.

_Stupid woman_!

Garrus dropped to his knee, slid two feet, brought up his sniper rifle and fired a concussive blast. As Garrus reloaded, the Collector particle beam went flying out into the abyss. Harbinger turned to look at Garrus completed his slide by flinging his legs off the platform he was on and landing in a run on Elrika's. Shifting his grip on his rifle, Garrus smashed Harbinger across the face hard enough that part of the Collector's head disintegrated into glowing ash. Garrus completed his turn and slammed the end of his sniper rifle into Harbinger's chest hard enough that the barrel sank three inches into its torso. Releasing the gun with one hand, he pivoted until it was extended in his arm and fired directly into Harbinger's chest.

Releasing the rifle as Harbinger vanished into nothing, Garrus grabbed the back of Elrika's shield harness and hauled her up, dragging her backwards and toward the edge of the platform. He tossed her onto it and climbed up after her as she holstered her Hand Cannon and snatched up her Revenant from the lower platform. Wrapping one arm around her waist, the other cradling the back of her head, Garrus took two lunging steps and hurled himself over the cover just as the Reaper fired. His kinetic barrier exploded and died as they were caught in a glancing blow before landing in safety on the other side.

Elrika dropped the Revenant and clutched her useless arm, white with pain. "Garrus!"

Swearing, Garrus got to his knees and checked the Reaper, which was sliding backwards again. Turning back to Elrika, he grabbed her elbow with one hand and the wrist with the other. A single, solid jerk had her joint popping back into place and she bowed her back, snarling with pain. Grabbing her Revenant, she swung her Revenant up before the Reaper completely disappeared from sight, firing into its topmost eye. Garrus reached behind Elrika, ripped her sniper rifle from her back, brought it up and fired as well. From over their shoulders, Thane abandoned his covering fire on the remaining Collectors, who had avoided the blast from the Reaper, to fire on the same eye.

Then the Reaper vanished from sight. Instantly Elrika, Garrus and Thane shifted their attention, Elrika wearing down barriers as Garrus and Thane put rounds in the foreheads of the Collectors.

Normal combat was interrupted by the telltale groaning of metal. Prepared for it, Garrus and Elrika broke for a dead run to the next platform. They had just jumped onto it when their previous position disintegrated into spiralling shrapnel and debris. The Reaper reached up a moment later and hauled itself closer to its prey. Undeterred and unafraid, Elrika turned instantly and fired on the baby Reaper, concentrating her shots on the same eye. Garrus turned with her and opened fire as well, with Thane taking care of the last two Collectors. Garrus glanced over to see Elrika drop her Revenant when it ran dry, tuck her toe under a Collector Particle Beam, flick it into the air and bring it into her hands. Aiming, she poured the entire power cell right into the Reaper's eye.

Finally, they breached its defences.

The Reaper reared back as its eye exploded and Garrus grabbed Elrika, yanking her out of the way as a hand crashed down onto their platform. She dropped the Particle Beam and grabbed her Revenant, jumping into open air, Garrus following blindly after her. The two of them landed and rolled on an approaching platform, sliding into a metal protrusion. Elrika shoved off of it with one boot and sent herself skidding towards the edge. Garrus got to his feet and charged after her, snagging her shield harness with one hand and letting her fire as he dragged her along. The Collectors on the platform went flying as the Reaper swatted at the two of them, ripping the newly moored platform free. Collectors went flying, one of them glowing like Harbinger, and disappeared into the black.

Garrus' arm twisted and he released Elrika's harness, grabbing her wrist as she grabbed his and, together, they joined Thane at the edge of his platform. The drell glanced up, and his black eyes widened, his mouth dropping open, and the next thing Garrus knew the ground heaved beneath him. Garrus let out a cry as he and Elrika were flung into the air. She landed beside Thane on the stable platform, but Garrus landed on the platform they had stood on, which was now resting at a sharp incline. Unable to find a hold, Garrus went skidding along the surface, hurtling toward a fathomless abyss.

A cry of his name made him look up and he saw Elrika sliding down after him, her hand extended toward him, a look of cold determination on her face. He thrust his hand up to her. His feet cleared the edge, followed quickly by his legs and chest, and he was thrown into open air.

_I love you._ He willed his eyes to say it.

Her eyes narrowed. _Shut the fuck up_!

Her fingers closed around his and he jerked to a stop, his heavy frame jerking hers down. She must have grabbed something to stop them from falling, but he had no way of helping her as he hung in open air. Her cry of pain made him remember her recent dislocation and he felt sick with the knowledge that he was causing her more pain. Then a massive crash made Garrus look down to see an explosion that told him that the bottomless pit had a bottom after all, and the Reaper had just hit it. A moment later, the rush of air kicked him in the bottom of the feet and sent him flying over Elrika's head, pulling her back onto the platform with him. The platform heaved and reversed direction, sending them rolling back down the way they had come. Garrus' hand was ripped from Elrika's as they slid onto the same platform as Thane, who was struggling to keep his feet.

Through this whole time, Garrus had not been able to think, not able to process what was happening, his mind firmly in the blankness of combat, just tactic and strategy. He remembered why as, just as he entertained the notion that they might live, the magnetic clamps mooring the platform to the next one disengaged, or were destroyed, or something else that resulted in the ground beneath them falling away from safety, taking them with it.

Garrus looked up at saw Elrika crawling toward him, her hand flung out. He grabbed her fingers, squeezing them tightly, and looked up. Rather than seeing their safety disappearing, all he saw was another platform swallowing his field of vision. Instinctively he dragged Elrika closer and shielded her head with his arm.

With a thunderous crash, her hand was ripped from his and the world disappeared into nothingness.

**~}{~**

Garrus regained consciousness slowly, trying to shift himself. His left arm was free, but the rest of him was pinned by a thick sheet of metal. His hand flexed and he felt a sense of disorientation when there was nothing in it.

_Elrika_.

His heart slammed painfully against his ribs and he stirred, shoving at whatever it was that had him pinned. Where was she? Was she alive?

"El-" He dissolved into a bout of coughing that had him spitting up blood.

_Well. That's not good_.

Not that it mattered. The base would explode any second now and Elrika – Metal screamed and groaned and the pressure on his body was relieved and there she was, fighting to free him. His hands came up instinctively, shoving at it, moving it aside. Her hand grabbed him and he pushed himself up, amazed at the relatively little damage done to him. Lips touched his mouth, brief and delighted and he looked up into brilliant green eyes as she pulled away. Finally satisfied that she was, indeed, alive, he let himself take in the damage done to her. Her hair was thrown askew and the left side of her face was nothing more than crimson flow. Her nose was broken and there was a massive gash in the left side of her jaw. Through it, he saw bone.

But she was _alive_.

The blissful relief of medigel flooded him, dulling the pain and taking away the dizziness, and she tossed the empty hypodermic injector away.

"We have to go." Her voice was hoarse, broken. "_Now_."

The detonation…

Garrus nodded and bit back a cry of pain as Elrika hauled him to his feet. Thane was already limping off the platform, struggling for a tunnel that Garrus only now saw. He spared a glance around and saw the reason they was alive; their platform had been caught by a protruding section of metal and earth, halting its downward momentum before the velocity became terminal. They owed their life to pure chance and circumstance.

Garrus laughed bitterly as he hobbled into a run. Wasn't that what they owed everything to? Not just this, but their very meeting? The sound of a pistol unfolding made him look to see Shepard was preparing to cover their escape. His hand wrapped around hers and he pulled her along, dragging her behind him.

How impossible was it that they had found each other, not just once, but twice? The forces working against them were insane, not just Reapers, or death itself, but sheer chance. But still he had found her, and she had found him. He was not letting go of her. Not now, not ever.

She fired behind her blindly as they ran together, and he heard the sound of Harbinger's voice echoing all around them. Or perhaps inside his head. If that was so, he projected a spear of hate and defiance to Harbinger, hoping the Reaper would feel it.

_You might be revered as gods, but we are being led by a godkiller. And I am never letting you take her from me_.

He glanced back at her as she ripped her hand from his, stabilizing her pistol as she fired at Collectors running after them. He turned and kept running, knowing that she would go last. The sooner he got to safety, the sooner she would get to safety. It was simply her way.

Garrus' thoughts stalled when he the _Normandy_ soar into view like an angelic bird, resplendently white against the reddish hue of the vessel's dirt structure. Thane hit the airlock first as Joker, _Joker_, stood at the port door, spraying the Collectors and Seeker Swarms with fire. The exhausted drell fell into the arms of Miranda, the bruised, bleeding woman dragging the assassin out of the way where Mordin was waiting with a Chakwas and a medical crew. Jack stood at Joker's back and unleashed a blast of biotics, sending the Seekers spiralling backwards, disorientated. Spent, the tattooed woman dropped to her knees, and Garrus noticed Samara's distinct absence. Then Tali and Grunt were there, standing shoulder to shoulder at Joker's back as they fired round after round from their shotguns, tech attacks blossoming in the air in front of them. His keen sniper eye focused behind them just as Legion, sitting against the wall, fired with his Widow rifle with its one working arm. The bullet zipped past his cheek and he heard the sound of more Collectors dying.

They were all standing shoulder to shoulder, fighting to take down a common enemy to save a common ally.

Garrus hit next, throwing himself into the airlock just as the Collector Base heaved, either a result of the main reactor beginning to detonate or ripples from the damaged caused by the exploding Reaper. His shin clipped the deck, but he landed safely on the metal flooring, turning just in time to see a metal support crash down on the platform he had just come from, doubling the gap between the Normandy and Elrika, turning it into a thirty foot leap onto slightly higher ground. An impossible leap.

_No_! He spun around, grabbed the edge of the Normandy's airlock and flung out his hand. "Elrika!"

Elrika didn't stop, or even hesitate. She forced herself to go harder, faster, and Garrus reached further. He felt a dozen hands land on his back, holding him, as Elrika leaped for his own. Her hand wrapped around his wrist, and his about hers, and he dug in his heels, yanking her back and into the Normandy. People dove out of the way as he hugged her to his chest, crashing to the floor with her on top of him. The Collector base was cut off as the airlock doors closed and Joker hobbled to the controls.

"Detonation in ten… nine…"

"I know, I know!" Joker shouted.

"Go!" Elrika shoved herself up, crawling away from Garrus and toward Joker. "Get us out of here, Joker!"

"Yelling at me won't make us go any faster, Shepard! Oh sh… Brace! _BRACE_!"

No one had time to do so as _Normandy_ rocked like she had been kicked in the tail. Everyone was thrown off their feet and Garrus went sliding forward as the _Normandy_'s internal mass effect drive went into spasms. Miranda smashed into the wall and slid to the base. Tali went sprawling. Grunt staggered and Jack threw herself aside to stop being crushed. Even Legion went to his knees, and then to all fours. Thane was the only one to keep his feet, if barely. Elrika grabbed one of the flanking cockpit chairs and snagged Garrus as he slid past her, stopping him sharply. The ship rocked violently, and he heard EDI and Joker talking frantically to one another as they tried to escape the blast radius. There was a familiar lurching sensation that came from accelerating to FTL speed, and then silence and stillness reigned.

"We… we are away," confirmed Joker breathlessly. "We're okay. We did it." There was another moment of silence, and then he broke into hysterical laughter. "We fucking did it! We made it!"

The entire forward deck broke into resounding cheers and applause and Garrus glanced over to see several crew members hugging, clapping and jumping up and down with joy. The team was less enthusiastic in their celebrations, sharing relieved smiles with one another before surrendering for medical attention. The most animated was Grunt, who threw his arms into the air and roared. Miranda sank to the floor where she was standing and put one hand to her head, her hair hiding her face. Tali put her hands to her mask and collapsed back against the wall leading to the airlock, sliding to the ground. Her shoulders shook, indicating she was crying, and Garrus wanted to go over and hug her. Instead, Jack was there, throwing an arm around her shoulders and patting her head. Thane was lying back as Chakwas tended to his wounds, but tears were pouring down the drell's cheeks. Mordin was shaking hands, clapping shoulders, nodding and laughing.

Jacob was gone, as was Samara.

Garrus turned and looked at Elrika who had pulled herself up behind Joker and was directing him to take them back through the Omega 4 Relay. Garrus shifted his legs around and sat back, leaning his head against the port side seat, watching her.

She turned back to him and staggered over, dropping to her knees beside him. Garrus wrapped one arm around her waist and dragged her closer, cupping her face with his hand. His thumb claw brushed her hair back, seeing that the wound in her jaw was closed over and beginning to scab. Lucky bitch wouldn't even scar.

Two years ago they had been driven apart, and two years later they had blown up the thing that had made it so. Two years later, they had come together in every way, and Garrus felt his heart fit to burst with joy as he contemplated their future together.

"I love you."

Elrika stared at him, blinking, and Garrus' stomach clenched when the silence stretched. Then she grinned, bloody teeth showing through bloody lips.

"I love you too."

Garrus leaned in to touch his mouth to hers, but her grin vanished and she covered his mouth with her hand.

"No."

"My allergies are on the low-end of the spectrum!"

"I have blood in my mouth."

"I'm willing to risk it!"

"I'm not."

"I _am_." Garrus knocked her hand aside and kissed her. Elrika let out a muffled sound and twined her arms around his neck, returning the kiss with everything she had.

Garrus Vakarian survived the destruction of the _Normandy_, months on the streets of Omega, numerous battles with a woman who was once dead, travelling through the Omega 4 Relay, to the galactic core to destroy the base of the most enigmatic race in the universe, and he was laid low by anaphylactic shock caused by ingesting human blood.

Jack laughed about it for days, and a part of Garrus wished Chakwas hadn't mysteriously known to bring a shot of epinephrine with her to the bridge.

**~}{~**


	10. My Future is in Your Arms

**Warning**: Squickiness. Chapter is recommended for mature reading. (NC-17/R18) Just cause I don't want to get into trouble.

**Chapter Ten**

_My Future is in Your Arms_

**~}{~**

The _Normandy_ drifted through space with a sort of eerie listlessness. After months with the knowledge of almost certain death hanging over them, the crew didn't seem to know what to do with their extended life spans, which was likely compounded by the fact that those who had prepared themselves for that absoluteness of their fate had discovered at twelfth hour that they, in fact, wanted to live.

Elrika was right. You always had regrets, even if your only regret was dying.

"Vak… Garrus."

The turian pulled his gaze away from the humans picking at their food in the mess to see Miranda approaching him. Slowly he turned to face her, aware of the bone-deep ache in his body, but considering the extensive treatment he had just received, he knew he was feeling much better than Miranda had to be. The Cerberus Operative's left cheekbone was covered in gauze, her arm was in a sling and Garrus was well aware that she was heavily medicated from her migraine due to over-using her biotics.

She was one of the luckier members of the crew.

"Good to see you're alright." The statement was awkward and stiff, and it had Garrus cocking his head. Seeing this, Miranda scowled a little and dropped her eyes.

"I am glad you're alright as well, Miranda."

She lifted her head and smiled a little. "Commander Shepard is in her room if you're looking for her." Miranda offered him a data pad with her free hand. "Can you give this to her? It's a summary of the team's physical status." She turned away. "You should look at it, too. As her second in command."

Garrus, who had not even bothered looking at the slate, just blinked. Miranda was sashaying away as she grinned over her shoulder. "After all, this isn't a Cerberus vessel anymore, and Elrika can put anyone she wants as her second in command."

Garrus raised an eyebrow ridge. "And how does the Illusive Man feel about that?"

"I don't know." Miranda shrugged and keyed the panel for her room. "I resigned."

Looking away from her door as it hissed closed behind her, felt a strange sense of release in his chest as he examined the ship anew. Though nothing would really change, the idea of the_ Normandy_ being Shepard's ship again felt… _right_, whether or not he was her second in command.

Shaking his head, he looked down at the data slate. Among the surviving members of the team there were two cracked skulls, one stressed chassis, twenty seven broken bones, fifty-five fractured ones, two cases of extreme exhaustion, three cases of severe blood loss, one mild case of shock, over one hundred and eight superficial wounds, two system faults, over forty cases of deep-tissue damage, four dislocated joints, a chipped tooth and four headaches ranging from mild to severe enough to require immediate medication, including Miranda's, and apparently Legion's equivalent as his – _its_ – higher processing functions warred over a particular strategy.

Still.

Closing the screen, Garrus strode for the elevators, the listlessness of the rest of the ship not reflected in its turian renegade. He had done his drifting, done years of it, and he finally found a place and purpose. Like hell he was going to be away from her now.

Just as he was reaching for the elevator call panel, the doors opened and Garrus reared back when he saw Kelly's exhausted face. She smiled, but her smile was less bright, less wide. Garrus knew that something joyous inside Kelly had died there on the Collector Base, but he couldn't mourn it. They were in a war, and fighting beside Elrika showed that the universe was a darker place than one might like to acknowledge, and not only was there nothing that could be done about it, there was nothing that should be done about it.

It was just the way things were. No one had the right to save the galaxy. They could just live in it and hope for the best.

"Is Chakwas in the medical bay?"

"Yes." He stepped into the elevator as Kelly stepped out.

"Garrus." She looked over her shoulder. "Be happy…"

Garrus stared in silence as Kelly walked away and the elevator door closed. Swiping one hand over the good side of his head and along his crest, Garrus tried to imagine how Elrika felt seeing all of faces of the crew that were just like Kelly's, shaken, tired. The damage done to her team. The empty spaces where Jacob and Samara had been. Jacob who had volunteered for his death which was, in some convoluted way, similar to Kaiden's death on Virmire. Samara who had been slain by mere chance when watching Elrika's back, just as she feared someone would be. It was no wonder she had run to her room to hide, but Garrus was determined not to let her do it alone.

Garrus stepped out of the elevator at the Loft, swiping his claw through the holographic panel. When the door hissed open, he was immediately greeted by an empty room and the sound of Elrika's shower running. Swearing, Garrus opened the bathroom door, preparing to drag Elrika back out from under yet another cold shower. He immediately knew his mistake when a gust of steam hit him in the face, obscuring his sight for a moment. He reared back, shaking his head and swiping his claws through the air in an attempt to clear it. When it finally did, he opened one eye and froze. Elrika was standing by her towel rack, one of the towels on the floor, and the barrel of a pistol pointed directly at him. When she saw who it was, Elrika expelled a sharp breath and lowered her arm.

"Jesus, Garrus." She compacted the gun and put it away, not caring a whit that she was dripping wet and naked before him. "I'm glad you're alright, but don't do that again." She smiled, and her smile stole his breath. "I thought you were a POed Cerberus lackey come to do me in for backstabbing their boss."

"I…" _Sweet Spirits, she was naked_. Garrus couldn't help his eyes travelling down her body. She didn't try and hide herself, letting him look to his hearts content, and look he did. He felt his mouth go dry as he watched the water trickle down her fine, soft skin, following the corded lines of muscle and catching in the echoes of battle that yet remained. Her right shoulder was a mass of yellowed, fading bruises even though they had been inflicted less than five hours earlier, the cut in her jaw was nothing more than a pinkened line and only ghosts of her wounds remained. She might have been scarred once, but no more and never again. A part of him wondered what scars her clothes had concealed all those years ago.

A part of him was saddened that he would never find out.

"Garrus."

His eyes jumped to hers, seeing a leonine look of predatory delight in her eyes.

Elrika.

Commander Shepard.

Naked.

His brain finally realised what exactly he was seeing.

And then the mortification kicked in.

"I am _so sorry_." He exploded backwards, barely managing to hit the door close icon as he propelled himself into her desk. Logic would have had him fleeing for the door, but logic was somewhere in his crotch, only deepening his mortification, and he stumbled into Elrika's room. Only when he was confronted with her bed did he realise where he had gone. As he choked on his own panic, Garrus spun back to his escape route only to find Elrika standing there, dripping wet and wrapped in a towel. Barely wrapped in a towel. Held together by one fist, with a split that crawled up her thigh and almost expo-

Garrus' head snapped back on his neck so hard he gave himself whiplash.

"_Garrus_."

"Yep?"

"Look at me."

"You can see the stars through your roof." It was true. They drifted lazily toward the aft of the _Normandy_ and provided a pleasant-

Elrika's towel smacked him in the face. "_Garrus_."

Garrus stood for the longest time, completely and utterly stupefied by the fact that he had Elrika's towel on his face, which meant she was standing in front of him completely naked, and that meant she was standing between him and his exit, whilst completely naked, and wet from a shower, which meant she was wet and naked, and since he had her towel on his face she was naked and without a towel which meant if he took the towel off-

"Hey, Garrus. Inhale, bring oxygen to your brain, focus on me."

He didn't think he had any blood left in the top half of his body to carry the oxygen to his brain, even if he could manage to inhale. Because if he inhaled, he would be breathing in the scent of Elrika on the towel, a towel that had been covering her nakedness, and now that it was on his face, she was naked in-

"Garrus. Stop it."

The towel slithered off his head. Instantly he covered his eyes with one hand and backed away. "I didn't mean to walk in on you in the shower, Elrika." Was that strained, choked sound really his voice?

"Garrus, you're standing, conscious, and most importantly, not dead from anaphylactic shock. I'm _glad_ that you can walk in on me in the shower. Actually… it was quite thrilling." Did she sound closer? She definitely sounded closer. He dropped his hand, but now his eyes were closed. He could_ not_ look at her. He could not see her naked. She was _naked_. He couldn't look.

"So let's go back to that, shall we, and stop whatever it is that's going on in your head. Now that you're fine, I can think of something else I'd much rather be doing than worrying. Or talking."

Soft. Husky. So close. Something soft and pliable impacted on his chest and he felt his insides shrivel as he realised that she was pressing herself against him. _Oh yeah, she was definitely closer._ Hands touched either side of his face, bringing his head down, and he felt her breath on his face as she brushed her lips along his lipless mouth. Then the hand on the unscarred side of his face slithered down his arm and grasped his wrist, placing his hand on the back of her…

…

Thigh…

Garrus felt his entire body seize as the breath rushed out of his body, his eyes opening as Elrika shoved him backwards. The back of his calves hit her bed and he fell backwards as she crawled atop him, her naked, _naked_, _**NAKED**_ form straddling his waist. Garrus felt every part of his body go numb, except for one very particular part which was very, very active when he saw the long line of his body pressed so intimately against his, even if he had armour in the way. Armour that her fingers were skittering over, trying to find the clasps.

"How do you get this off?"

Breathless, his head roaring, Garrus barely managed to understand what she was saying.

"_Garrus_."

_Yes_? He thought the word, but could only manage to look at her. At the muscles visible under her skin. At the way they played and shifted. The perfect slope of her shoulders. The arch of her collarbones. The roundness of her breasts that lead him to the flat expanse of her stomach, that divot called a 'belly button' and to the-

Garrus slammed his eyes closed and leant back, his skin feeling prickly and hot, like he was too big for his armour plates let alone his combat gear. She was a human, and though her waist was slender, it was nowhere near what was aesthetically pleasing on a turian female. Her hair was short for a human, and the comparison on a turian would have been ugly. And human ears were _hideous._ There was nothing about her that should have aroused him, and yet here he was, ripping into her sheets to keep from throwing her under him, spreading her legs and-

He felt her shift and his eyes slowly opened, instantly giving him a mouth-watering view of her breasts. He let out a long, quiet croon as his neck craned, his fangs parting unconsciously. He was not ignorant of the pleasure centres of a human – so similar to an asari, and a few turians at C-Sec had been less than abashed in relating their escapades. He wanted to know…

Elrika's spine arched and a guttural sound escaped her as his tongue traced over her nipple, and his fangs delicately closed around it, tasting her. Her hips moved against his armour and her fingers raked along the surface hard enough to draw his attention, finally, from the lust-filled haze that clouded his mind.

"Garrus. Your armour. Off. Now."

Garrus dropped back, breathless, and stared up at her. "Elrika. I…"

"Put… your mouth…" Elrika slammed her fist into his chest plate hard enough that he felt it through the thick, ablative coating. "Stop talking, Vakarian. Stop thinking. Stop doing everything we've been doing until this point, damn it! We are no longer in imminent danger of death. This isn't a 'final chance fuck'. The Collectors are dead, Harbinger's slinking home with his tail between his tentacle-arms. Now, I love you -"

"You-" Garrus almost choked on his tongue as she grabbed his face in both hands, pulled him up and pressed her nose against his.

"I love you," she bit out. "I love you, Garrus. I _love_ you and I want you and I crave you and the last six months of I-can't-touch-have-lick-suck-fuck him has been hell. Now it's all over, all excuses are dead, and I want to have mind-blowing, inter-species awkwardness sex with you. Now get. Your. Armour. Off."

Garrus stared up at Elrika. Not at her body, not at her hair, not at her scars or bruises or muscles. He looked up into her eyes, into the red glow sitting in the centre of her pupils. At the unnaturally bright green that encircled it.

At the eyes of the woman he had spent the last three years craving, wanting, desiring, admiring, worshipping, missing, mourning.

Loving.

His mandibles flared and he bared his fangs in a savage turian smile that had the green of her eyes darkening and her breath quickening.

"Yes, ma'am."

Garrus rose, his hands touching the clasps on his chest that had the seals popping open. Just before his mouth met Elrika's she ripped the front from his body and sent it flying off to one side. When she wrapped her arms around his head, her breasts crushed against his hard chest, contained still within his body suit.

It had to go.

_Now_.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and rolled her over, sending his back piece bouncing off her armoury. When the two of them finally managed to fight his arm guards and gauntlets off of his body, she dropped her hands to find the clasps of his codpiece. Garrus gave a long, low growl as he rested his forehead against hers, rubbing gently in a turian kiss. He felt her hot breath on his face, and he looked down to see her hands flattening on the blue of his armour. It couldn't come off until his thigh guards and boots were gone, and his claws raked at her sheets, desperate to feel her soft palms against him. He bumped her head up and she clasped his unscarred jaw in one hand, scraping her teeth over one of his mandibles, and then kissed him.

He rolled her back over, settling her atop him as he reached around her for the clasps of his thigh guards. Elrika didn't help by pushing his chin up, exposing the vulnerable length of his throat, which she then proceeded to lave with her tongue. That was manageable, and he managed to toe one boot off. Then she bit down on his skin and Garrus felt all sense escape his mind. He collapsed back against the bed, his arms folding around her, twisting and writhing under her as she played him with her teeth. She found out what made him moan, what made him arch, and what made him sink his claws into her back. When she let up, Garrus slid his hands over her spine, feeling the perfect curvature of her backside fall into his palms. He pulled her up, forcing her mouth away from his neck, but bringing her breasts into his view.

Unable to resist, Garrus parted his fangs and let his tongue trace a line over her left nipple. Elrika let out a cry and wrapped both arms around his head, arching against him. The scent of her was all around him as he reached down blindly and managed to unclasp his other thigh guard and kick it and his boot off. He then lifted her easily with both hands and she reached down and pulled away his codpiece. Then he lowered Elrika's naked body to rest against his, separated only by the thin layer of his body suit. Chills swept his body as he sat still for a time, Elrika cupping the back of his head with one hand, the other clawing at his back, unsealing his body suit.

Elrika rose up onto her knees over Garrus, pulling the body suit down his chest. She only got that far, however, before she became entranced with his chest. Her fingers slid along the armoured carapace at his neck, finding the sensitive skin at his clavicle. Garrus rumbled deep in his chest as he pushed his body suit off the rest of the way, tossing it aside carelessly. Rather than leap on him as she had before, though, Elrika settled herself over his legs and slid forward until he was resting against her stomach. That was enough to make him groan, but when she slowly slid her palm from his stomach, to circle around his hard length, and squeeze gently, Garrus' head snapped back, his chest arching, and he let out a turian cry of pleasure.

With a mind of their own, one hand came up to slide behind Elrika's back. He dragged her up his body, hissing in her ear at the feel of her against him, naked form to naked form. His other hand pulled her hand from him, holding it out and to the side.

"Later."

Elrika's green eyes met his blue ones, their foreheads and their noses touching. Then she leant forward, her lips brushing his. His name slipped out on her next breath and he closed the distance, catching it with his mouth.

Millions of years of evolution on Palaven had ensured that turians could exist in the scorching radiation, but in the temperature controlled environment of Shepard's room, in the cool sheets of her bed, her skin against his made him burn like a newborn star. Her body was hard beneath her skin, but that skin was so unimaginably soft, so unlike Elrika.

Their mouths did not part as he rolled them over, settling her breath him. Every one of her exhalations slipped down his throat and into his lungs, letting him breathe in her life. He knew that he was leaving lines with his claws, blunted though they were, but her body responded regardless, encouraging him in perfect harmony with the sounds that were escaping her throat. Their bodies moved without conscious direction, falling into place like they had been sculpted that way, though evolution had no hand in it.

Garrus arched over her and Elrika wrapped her legs around his, dragging him closer. His eyes asked permission.

Hers told him to stop fucking worrying.

Garrus laughed against her throat, but that laugh turned into a strangled moan as his hips slid forward, causing her to cry out with him. For a time they held still, immortalising that first, perfect moment in both of their memories. His head slowly lifted and he braced himself on his arms over her, his eyes opening so his vivid blue gaze could hold her green one, and there were no more words between them. No more words were needed. They spoke in ways that no ear could possibly hear.

Garrus lowered himself to her, closing the distance between them, unable to bear it. His heart spoke to hers through their chests as their eyes held one another's. Her entire body moved against his, meeting every motion eagerly, demanding more, demanding him. His forehead brushed hers, their eyes never parting, even as hers began to cloud over, seeing something behind the flesh, beyond the real. Like she could see the stars above his head through his eyes. Garrus felt the same, though it was not stars he saw.

It was paradise.

Her breathing became erratic, echoed by his, by the abandon of his movements. He couldn't control them anymore, swept away by the promise of completion, unable to do anything but follow his body's demand for it. His spine bowed and he pulled his hands away from Elrika, ripping at the sheets to keep his eyes on hers, when all he wanted to do was throw his head back and howl. As if sensing his struggle, she threw her arms around his head, clasping his brow to hers. Her nails scraped along the sensitive skin there as she anchored herself in place as much as him. Each movement of his hips was met by hers, each harsh breath was caught by her mouth, and he breathed his own back in return.

"Garrus…"

And then physical reality fell away and Garrus' mind was consumed with white-hot heat. There was no more universe, no more Reapers, no more Council. No more Elrika and Garrus as separate entities. In that single, frozen, perfect moment, there was only the distant stars and Elrika's bright, bright eyes.

_Paradise_.

**~}{~**

The world was bathed in blue light. Ethereal. Magical.

The stars drifted lazily overhead, trapped in the same lethargy that he was wrapped in. The sheets were curled around his waist, tangled around one leg, and he couldn't be bothered righting it. It took him several minutes to realise he was, in fact, awake.

It took him several more to realise that meant he had fallen asleep.

Blinking slowly, as though even that movement was beyond his strength, Garrus drew a deep breath and slid his hand along the side of the bed. The emptiness of it sent his heart slamming against his ribs, though he could do no more than look at it. His claws shifted through the sheets, finding the fissures his talons had torn. Not during the first time. Perhaps the fifth or sixth. Blood dotted the sheets where his claws had scored her body. Or perhaps his fangs. He could feel a lingering numbness where the antihistamines had begun to wear off at the end.

Pushing his arm against the bed, Garrus lifted his torso from the rumpled sheets, seeing first that his chest piece had hit Elrika's desk. Her belongings lay scattered on the floor, but the armour dominated the surface, like a trophy. One of his gauntlets was resting on the low table near it, and the other was defying gravity on the edge of the couch. Garrus let his eyes pan over her room, lit like the bottom of Palaven's clear oceans. He almost expected a fish to go darting past his vision at any point.

And then he found her, and everything else just didn't matter anymore.

She was naked in front of the fish tank, her fingers on the glass as she watched the water beyond like it held… everything. The room was bathed in blue, but she was lit by it, coloured by it, until she was like some Spirit that had emerged from their coupling, possessing her with energy of a world beyond theirs.

He saw lines on her body from his possession of her, from his claws, from his grip, from his fangs, but they were already fading, her accelerated healing treating them like any wound. As Garrus pushed himself to sit, sheets pooling around his waist, he resolved to simply make more.

Either hearing or sensing him, Elrika glanced over the delicate slope of her shoulder and looked at him. Garrus felt his breath slip from his lungs as her glowing eyes found his. No red. Just bright, vivid green, lit from the reflection of the fish tank.

She smiled and Garrus forgot how to breathe.

"I love you."

**Fin**

**~}{~**

_**The end!**_

_Thank you everyone that has taken the time to read Gestalt. You, readers, are the reason I do this. I want to share my stories with you, and I want you to enjoy them. I want to be a good writer so that what I offer the world can be appreciated and enjoyed. So I hope I succeeded. I hope Gestalt was everything I wanted it to be._

_To my subscribers, I am so glad that you have stuck it out with me. Thank you for liking my work so much to want to follow it so closely. I really appreciate all of you._

_To my reviewers, I have to say that you guys kept me going. Even when I was despairing, and hating my work, I would read the reviews and let them bolster me and give me faith in my ability again. Don't feel disheartened because I have not responded to them. Believe me, I love and adore each and every one and they mean so much to me._

_To all Mass Effect fans, fans of Shep/Garrus pairings, gamers, readers, writers and fanfictioners, all I have to say is thank you, thank you for reading this fiction. Thank you for everything._

_Now, I promised a snippets/snapshots chapter, and I did temporarily have one up, but something has gone wrong with the formatting and my beloved little symbols are gone, breaking up the flow of the chapters. So until I can fix them, they will not be present. I am working on it, though!_

_I love you all_

_See you next time!_

_Anne_


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